Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Maybe not.......

Maybe I am not over it. It has been hard over break to have so much time to think, and let's be honest, obsess. I have good days, and I have bad days. I think a lot of this is due to the hormones I am still on. I just want this to all be over. First, I just want to get back to work and have a schedule again. Guess it was sweet dreaming to think I could bounce back so easily. Could this year just end, please?

Monday, December 27, 2010


I didn't want to sound too materialistic on Christmas. But I love "stuff." And this Christmas was filled with great stuff.
I didn't get much that I didn't love. That is the benefit of making a list. I am so excited, that I have to share my favorites with you.

1). I gave Jon an iPad. I don't even have to explain to you how cool it is. We have played a ton of games (including a few of my favorites - Family Feud and Price is Right) and Jon has read a million books already. But I am more geeked about what he gave me - Nikon Monarch Binoculars. Yes Binoculars. For birdwatching, of course. I love them. I am working on making a strap. More to follow.

2.) iPod Shuffle and BOSE headphones- I currently take my iPod Classic with me everywhere I go. I listen to it in the car, in the classroom, play Tetris and Solitare on it, have my calendar and contacts, etc. Jon calls me his little Cyborg. But the one place I hate it, is at the gym. It weighs a ton. And though I feel strong with it strapped to my arm, it becomes a nucence after 30 minutes on the treadmill. What I wouldn't give for a practically weightless Shuffle! And now I have one. It is perfect for my Workout playlist and a little extras. In addition, last year I broke my BOSE headphones that allowed me to rock out without outside noises and distractions. Those were also replaced, so I can really tune out the bad music at the gym. Yes!

3.) Metal Stapming Kit (from Beaducation)- I mentioned it before, and I acted on it. I love my new metal stamping kit. I have made a few necklaces and am working on tons more. It may be a new obsession. If you are a friend, expect gifts. You are all guinea pigs to my masterpieces. I am having so much fun, I asked for more stuff to accompany it for my birthday. Again, more to follow.

And though I know that Christmas is supposed to be about a lot of other things, I equally enjoy the stuff that gets exchanged. Hope you got tons of stuff you enjoy, too!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas

Christmas was quiet this year. While I missed my family, I appreciated the time alone with my husband. We opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, and had his parents, and grandparents over for a mid-day Christmas meal. It was calm, quiet company. Jon cooked, I decorated. Because we haven't been home in years, I had forgotten about many of our decorations. I love my alligator salt & pepper shakers from Department 56, and I found this great little pack of gift confetti at Peir 1 Imports. I think my 5 foot tree is a little overloaded with ornaments, and I dream of a bigger tree one day, but it has a lot of memories on it that I wouldn't trade for the world.
It's been a crummy 8 weeks, but I am grateful for my family. Merry Christmas everyone!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Honoring Cindy

I have this amazing group of women as friends. They all know each other from college, so there is a lot of history there, and they have accepted me with open arms into their lives. There are so many things I love about them individually and as a group. My favorite part is the way they support each other, and never judge. Each of them have gone through similar and different life experiences that enrich their relationships.
One of these people is Cindy. Cindy is amazingly dedicated to volunteer work. She has started 2 non-profit companies, Employee Reach which helps companies set up volunteer  opportunities for employees, and Phoenix Volunteers, which gives volunteers a chance to view and sign-up for various non-profit organization events in the valley. Two years ago, Cindy donated her kidney anonymously to save the life a boy, and has been recently been nominated for the Giraffe Heroes Project for sticking her neck out for the greater good.
Last Saturday, on the 2 year anniversary of her kidney removal surgery, the group got together to surprise and honor Cindy for her achievements and influence over the community, and for the Giraffe Heroes nomination. In Cindy style, we spend the evening participating in a service project. We put together snack bags for kids at the Chandler Christian Community Center Operation Santa Event. It was rewarding on a variety of levels. Love and Kudos to Cindy, and everyone who supports her!
Putting together snack bags
Cindy getting crafty (which she thinks she isn't good at, but she did a great job)
Kelly, Veronique, Me, Nicole, Cindy (photo taken by Alexis, who should have had Ben take the picture, and Amy had already left, but she should be in it, too!)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Over it.

So I think I might be over it. What a relief. It helps to have a good week. School is out for break, and I started it with an after school one hour massage. I decided that this break will be a lot about decompressing. I am ready to start next semester with a fresh attitude, and insist on being rested. My plan is to do a lot of quilting and jewelry making, and gym time. I am making a queen size quilt for my in-laws boat, and I know 6 pregnant people, so there is a lot to be done. Could I do 1 quilt a day? Probably. Focus, focus, focus.
Ultimately, my life is no different than before, except that I will have a lot more time on my hands (calculated summer hours at some sort of doctor's appointment with drive times = part time job. Not kidding). So I am excited about that. There never seems to be enough time. And while I think I am too young for a bucket list, I am amped on the idea that we can actually start doing fun and creative things and I don't have to worry about bruising my ovaries or when my next procedure is.  Yes, we are still going to do our last embryo transfer in January. I don't have my hopes up, and have pretty much already closed the book on it, but will do it anyway.  In the meantime, I am going to try and dedicate that time to hobbies, the gym, and volunteer work.
I no longer walk around like a zombie, or think endlessly about it. I have been able to concentrate on other things for long stretches of time, even a full day without it entering my brain. Jon and I have started to talk about what is next and have begun planning (or dreaming) of vacations and activities. I am ready for my new adventures to begin, and for this to be over. Knowing that there is only about a month left of it, after 9 years, I think I can handle it.
With many hobby projects on my list, I should stay pretty occupied. Regular trips to the gym will become a better habit without doctors telling me when I can and cannot work out. I am going to spend about 2 or 3 months getting my strength back, and then I think one of my first tasks will be to complete a trapeze class at Trapeze U. And after 7 weeks, you get to put on a show for family and friends. I would expect everyone to come, and fully intend to look great in a sequined and feathered costume. Because I can. And really, out of all your friends, is it  a surprise that I want to do this? Probably not.
Any adventures you recommend? 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I would say that things are almost back to normal. I no longer have to tell myself to breathe, and can have regular conversations with people who don't know me. I have survived each day, and I have laughed at some point on each of those days. There are times, however, that I feel a little disconnected, like I am just going through the motions. My heart just isn't fully into everything.
I would say that 90% of me  is functioning at full capacity.
Part of me wonders if that 90% will be my new 100%, if there is some of me that I will never get back. I understand and accept that there is a loss and an acceptance that will forever shape who I am.  And I wonder where that leaves me now. The questions of my future remain my mystery.
There is some fear in the unknown of tomorrow. I don't want to get set in my ways. Kids were going to help prolong that with their unpredictability. Knowing that I already have quiet a few peculiarities, I can only see my personality getting cookier. And I don't know that that is a good thing. I can get away with believing that my eccentricities are currently a part of my charm, but if they get any worse, I could turn into a real loony toon.
But most importantly, I am looking forwarded to not being jaded and bitter. At this point in time, those emotions are built into sarcasm and humor, which has always been a healthy outlet for me, but sometimes it isn't viewed well by outsiders. People who don't get my sense of humor may not get my casualness and non challant attitude. But that is part of how I deal. That humor will end at some point, and I will move on to being a wiser individual for my experiences.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Healing begins

Thursday was supposed to be my blood test to get pregnancy results. You can imagine my irritation when the doctors office was closed during my scheduled appointment, and when I made my way back to work and called them, they wanted me to drive down to the downtown office instead. I flat out told them no. So I had to have my test on Friday, and they called an nurse in on her day off to draw my blood and take it downtown. I didn't feel bad for them for forgetting me the day before.
It was no surprise to me when the doctor called Friday with results, and it was negative. Who would have ever thought I would have felt such relief by a negative test. Part of not being able to move on is this feeling of limbo. If it had been positive, then I would have had to just wait to miscarry, and then wait for negative blood tests, and then wait another 30 day before we could start the next process of the frozen embryo transfer. Then March would roll around for the FET, and a miscarriage in April, and this whole thing wouldn't be over until then. Who wants to feel that way for this long? Certainly not me. And I don't feel like moving on can happen until it all ends.
Some people have asked why would even bother with the FET. If you trained for 9 years for a marathon, would you quit at mile 25? No, you probably wouldn't.  It only takes one good egg, and we have potentially 2 in the freezer. Worth a shot. At this point, why the hell not?
My ovaries are still healing, so we have to wait a month, but will do the FET in late January, and go from there.
Knowing the end is closer than late April brings some calmness and closure. So I was relieved that the test was negative. I won't have to go through the wait, and the discomfort of the process. And healing can begin.  Its a slow process. Wednesday the day passed without tears, Thursday I slept through the night. Little things, but making progress. As hormones leave my system, I will be able to think more rationally about the future, and our life options. But for the last few days, I have been OK. And that is the important part. I am going to be OK.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Why it is hard to move on

In the past, moving on hasn't been hard for me. The next step was always in site. If something didn't work, you make changes and do it again. How else did the light bulb get invented? This time, there is no do it again. I feel sort of suspended in time, like one of those music videos where the lead singer stands in teh middle of the scene not moving and everything else is in fast motion around me.  My iPod doesn't help much. It always seems to know my mood, and hasn't stopped playing music belonging on an independent film soundtrack for the last week. 
I've never had to think about "Next". Next was supposed to involve pregnancy and kids. So I don't know what to do with myself. It is a struggle to get through each day right now. The littlest things send me wailing, and when I am not crying, it remains at the surface of my emotions at every moment. When I am asleep, I dream about it. It is constantly on my mind and in my face. My brain is going to take a lot of re-wiring.
People have asked me if we would consider donor eggs. The straight up answer is no. I won't even consider it, regardless of how close they match your physical characteristics. I would rather have a child that is 100% not ours, than one that is 50% ours. I know that once I carried that baby, and raised it, I may not feel that way. But the fact is, I still think every day I would look at that child and wonder what it would look like if it were mine, really mine. Instead, there would be a daily reminder looking back at me that I was/am in some way defective. Survival of the fittest slapping me in the face.
Would adoption work for us? I don't know. It isn't something I ever thought I would have to think about, let alone discuss and research. I am still trying to process everything else that just happened. Let alone start to research adoption. More money to spend, and time.
I guess the big question is have I given up on being a mom? Am I OK with just being a super star aunt and friend who travels the world and lives an eccentric lifestyle? What I am still trying to get over, is that I want to be both.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Another one

I know a million pregnant people right now. No exaggeration. And I am thrilled for all of them. Gift creation will keep me busy. I wonder what will happen when I no longer have babies to sew for. I will be either be really bored, or move on to the next greatest craft phase. Right now I am contemplating silver jewelry making!).
When I found out yesterday that another dear friend is pregnant, I was overjoyed. I don't want to miss out on a moment of her pregnancy, or her friendship through out it. What she and I are dealing with are completely different, yes, but that doesn't mean we don't both need each other. Only 1 person has ever upset me by her pregnancy, and she will never know who she is. I don't want people to be all sensitive and feel like they are walking on egg shells around me. It is what it is. I'll deal with it. In the end, I still have to wake up every day and live my life. That is what I am trying to do. It will just take time before I quit ending each day wondering if I will have less crying fits tomorrow than I did today. But have you ever known me to not be resilliant, and positive, and future bound (this last week aside)? Not to sound harsh, but I'll get over. You need to, too.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

In the middle of all of this, I did make this little diddy. My new purse, pattern style By Amy Butler, has a zipper pocket divider, and holds almost all of my stuff. The only thing it lacks is space for a book, and next time I would add an extra pocket for my cell phone. The pattern was posted one day on Sew, Mama, Sew! as a promo for her new book. They must have removed it, for I can't find it anymore to add the link. Lucky me, I got it when I did. I have gotten tons of compliments on it, and it makes me smile when I look at it. So all is not completely lost.

I have also managed to get all of my Christmas decorations up, bake bread, cookies (I found a great gluten free flour that means I can bake again), many batches of caramel corn (that keep disappearing), and sleep a lot. Life is almost back to normal. It only took a few days.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A million reasons

Sunday was bad. I slept for about 4 hours, and got up at 1:30 in the morning to look at egg quality explanations on-line. Monday was tough. I barely ate, I suffered through work. Tuesday was bearable. Taking it day by day. And so far, it is hard. I am struggling with all sorts of emotions. I don't know what to do with all of them. Right now I can't think clearly enough to do more than face them as they come. The hardest part is not knowing when bad thoughts will hit. Driving in the car I heard a Johnny Cash song when he says "singing tends to help the troubled soul" and I lost it. I had someone tell me they thought I suppressed a lot of my emotions. But I think she was just upset that I didn't share all of them with her. She wanted me to get angry, and I feel like I got over being angry years ago when we had to start this adventure. I cry, that is how I work, and I have cried a lot. And know I will cry more.
I don't really understand anger. Anger = negativity, and I don't usually operate in that either. So maybe I am a little surprised by my current fall in attitude. And finally, I am a little angry. All my life I have been taught that I could do anything I wanted to do, and be anything I wanted to be. And I believed that. I have always worked hard for what I wanted and done what I believed in. I trusted my gut and learned lessons. And through all of that, it doesn't matter how hard I have worked, what I have learned, or what I have accomplished. There is only 1 thing I have ever wanted to be and I will never be able to do that. I will never be a mother to my own children. And that pisses me off.
And I am angry that this couldn't be pinpointed after the first round of IVF. Instead, I have struggled through 3 frozen embryo transfers, and 2 more full cycles which include major surgery, and a lot of money, energy, and emotions that could have been spared. This whole processes has taken years off my life. And my eggs, apparently. And it makes me mad that there is no explanation for the decline. We will never know.
I am angry at the people who look at me with sadness, like I am a barren old spinster whose life will never be fulfilled. I got over being angry at people who have no problem getting pregnant, but now, I am angry at the people who struggle like I did and still get pregnant, when I won't be able to. I am angry that I will go through the process of 2 more miscarriages before our embryo journey is over, making 6 pregnancies and no kids. No kids to watch grow, to see develop, and learn from. I'll never see my kids first steps, first day of kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own.
And there are a million more reasons why I am mad. And why I cry.  I have survived the last 3 days, but it feels more like I have just moved through time in slow motion, and underwater. I am having a hard time seeing when I will be able to put my boots back on and go back to kicking ass. And that makes me angry, too.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Later this month......

So most of my family stayed in Denver an extra day for the funeral. I am terribly homesick, so it was hard to leave but Jon and I had to get back, for a variety of reasons. Un-benownst to my family, we had an ultrasound immediately after landing in Phoenix, and embarked on our next IVF round. I wasn't telling them this time. The only people that knew were my boss and a few people helping me with coverage at work.  This one was going to be low key, and routine. I would tell people when there was something to tell. Like a 12 week pregnancy, or a miscarriage.
Everything went pretty routinely.  Shots were easy this time and I was not as uncomfortable or as sore as I was this summer. I had my egg retrieval last Thursday and they took out 29 eggs. Twenty of those were fertilized, and we just had to wait through incubation. Embryos are always checked after 3 days, and if all is going well, they go back in the incubator for a Day 5 transfer. So after 2 days of basic bed rest, I was eager to be productive Sunday before football started. The list was long, clean house, do laundry, do some experimental gluten free baking, knock out a quilt. I couldn't wait to get back to work on Monday, take Tuesday off again for the transfer, and see what becomes of our last IVF round. I was also interested to see how many extras we get for future attempts. And then my phone rang. It was the doctor's office. We needed to come in right away this morning for the embryo transfer. This has never happened before so after panic came disappointment and shock. As I abandoned my hopes of a productive day, I slipped on my new sock monkey slippers and headed out the door.
Upon arrival, we were escorted into the procedure room to change and as I hopped up on the table, the embryologist and my fertility doctor came into the room to discuss what was happening. The embryologist said he had never seen anything like it. Three of the embryos has to be immediately discarded, no surprise, because of basic fertilization complications (accepting 2 sperm instead of just one). But 12 of them just stopped developing after a day. They had 3 that looked promising, and recommended that all 3 get transferred into me, another first (the usual is 2). There were 2 more that were lagging behind a little and were going to go back into the incubator for possible growth and freezing. We won't know about these until Wednesday, but they don't look great. They said that if there were 4 that looked good, they would have put all 4 in me.
It comes down to this - poor egg quality. This would explain my constant miscarriages. The embryos don't have the strength to continue in development, and results for future attempts (if we tried them) would probably just get worse. The only known factor in egg quality is age, so they were surprised that they watched the decline in someone so young.
All I heard through the translation was "You will probably never have children of your own." So even though they then proceeded to transplant 3 in me, and it only takes one good one (which is possible), I had a really, really, really really bad day.
Before this round I kept saying, "I have this great life that I am not living. Lets do this and find out if we are having kids, or if we aren't, so I can move on." Is it that easy? I thought yes, but I have now realized that that statement is a lot like the death of my grandfather. Easy to say and prepare for, not so easy to accept and deal with.  This is something I was prepared to deal with after another miscarriage. I even had a friend lined up to use my frozens as a surrogate if I miscarried from this one. But per the doctor, it isn't my inability to carry a pregnancy. It is that the embryos keep dying. I fully expect a positive pregnancy test, and then fully expect to miscarry a week and a half later, like usual. If that doesn't happen I will be surprised. But it probably will.
I am devastated, heartbroken, etc. I am sure you can only imagine. I am trying to work through a lot of emotions right now, and am in predominately in shock. Though I have 3 in me, and 2 in a freezer, I have pretty much written them off. I don't want to hear anything about thinking positive. I haven't done anything but be just that up to this point, and it hasn't done me any good. And I am sick of it. I have earned the right to be upset, and negative. And that is how I will need to be for a while. So please don't ask, because I don't want to talk about it. I'll let you know if there is anything interesting to say. I know I am supported, and I appreciate that, even if I don't show it. Just let me be cranky for a while. Because this sucks.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Let's just say........

I have been too busy to blog, and really enjoying my school year and life right now. And then, this month happened. I have wanted to blog daily. But what do I say? Do you really want to read about what I have been going through? Where is the line between updating and just being a downer. I get frustrated by bogging. I want to use it as a journal, but sometimes am not sure if I really want to put myself out there to vulnerability like that. Yet, when things go wrong, or right, it is the best way to get out the word and express my emotions.
For now, let's just say I've had better months. This will have to come as a series. Some I can talk about now, some I can't. It started with the passing of my grandfather.
There is something magical about grandparents, their history, and their influence. My dad's parents were a huge part of our lives as kids, and they were the most important people in the world to me. My grandmother's passing 9 years ago still upsets me. Ever since then, I get a little pit in my stomach every time I see my parents calling, wondering if this is the second call. I don't have to worry about that anymore. And now, there is a second hole in my heart.
There is so much I feel like I needed to know about them. So many stories and things they and left to teach me.  There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, so much I have still to learn. And now, I am instead left with their memories, and their words, and what they taught me when they could. It is a stunning blow, and regardless of if you know it is coming, it still doesn't prepare you for the pain. It was hard to see him suffering in the end, and I am glad it is over for him. But that doesn't meas I don't miss him. And everything about them together.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I love the smell books

Yes, books. One of the most comforting things in the world to me is to flip the pages of a paperback in front of my nose and take a deep inhale. Same goes for freshly cut wood (like pencils), and lawn clippings. Aaaahhhhhhh, school must have started.

I love my job. Have I mentioned that? I don't usually last more than 2 1/2 years at a job before I get frustrated. Something tells me this one will stick a lot longer than that. At least I hope so. I still get amped up for the first week of real teaching (lets face it, the first few days is nothing but riles, rules, rules, and where to find the pencil sharpener). So far, my students are great. For the first time, I am excited to teach all of my classes. I didn't used to like my foods class, but I decided to scrap everything I have done in the past, and do whatever I want. Other junior high teachers gave me stuff to start with, and I used it because I thought I should be consistent with other junior highs in the district. But as time went on, I realized, and finally accepted, that there is no state or district standards for my subject. As long as I stay within my subject matter, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want. And I can relate anything to food. I am going to focus on my strengths - health, nutrition, and restaurants, and can things like career exploration and budgeting. No 8th grader I have worked with has any concept of money or what they want to do with in their life, so I figured that is safe to eliminate. I am really excited with the ideas that I have come up with, and can't wait to execute them (the lessons, not the kids).

Plus, it is nice to have something else to think about, and a place to spend my energy. I love coming home hungry and exhausted, and knowing I did something great today. Last night I had a nightmare that I moved back to CO (not the nightmare part) and I never taught again (bingo, right there) because I couldn't find a school that was as great as South Valley. It actually woke me up with a racing heart. It is a huge fear. I am on a dynamic campus. The culture is positive, and energizing. The administration, and 95% of my co-workers are supportive and knowledgeable (there is always those 5% that can suck it). Arriving at work each day poses a new and interesting challenge. And like all dynamic teachers, the kids learn from me as much as I learn from them. I can't imagine a more rewarding job in the whole world. I am a lucky girl, who as had a great week. I am bursting with enthusiasm and energy. You may find it kind of gross, and I don't care. I love it, love it, love it, and wish that no one ever had to work a job that they hate. It certainly isn't worth it.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Race to the Top - Blessing, or Curse?

Maybe you have heard of Race to the Top. For those of you that don't know, it is funding for states that meet certain criteria for education improvement. States have to apply and go through an approval process to even be considered. Last year, Arizona was eliminated in the first round, not even close to considered. So AZ hired the same person that wrote the application for a winning state, and what do you know? Today, Arizona became one of the Race to the Top states, and will receive $200 million dollars to go towards education, allocated by September 2012- 1 brief year away.

As a teacher, I should be thrilled about this. We are ranked 48th out of 51 states for education, even Puerto Rico ranks above AZ. But I live in AZ. Crazy, AZ. There are studies that show that states with higher taxes allot more money for education, and as a result students have higher test scores, and lead more "successful" lives (slightly subjective, I know, but still accurate). I am living in the state with the lowest taxes in the country, hence the crappy education rating, and people here do nothing but complain about taxes. Last spring there was a special vote to add a temporary 3 year 1 cent sales tax to go to education (which passed), but it went to the public because the AZ government likes to cut education funding, and never raise taxes, and wanted to see what the public thought. They had us vote on it because they have no idea what Arizonans really want. A poll was released at the time that confirmed that our state elected are only in tune with 10% of what the residents want to see happen. Let's not forget that they also spent the last year legalizing no need for a permit to carry a concealed weapon, guns are now allowed in bars, and immigrants (legal or not) trying to live the American Dream and make a good life for their families doing jobs that most American citizens turn their nose ups at are being run out of the state in droves at the opinion and actions of one corrupt Sheriff and a bigoted state Congress. I am having trouble believing that they will allocate the funds appropriately. My biggest fear is that they will use this as an excuse to cut regular state funding from the education budget, and simply supplement with the federal funds. (This same state congress also wanted to cut $10.5 of $11 million dollars from Career and Technical Education because they didn't think it was effective in preparing students for the working world after graduation. As a CTE teacher, I can't even begin to wonder how the hell they they can justify that statement. That conversation only makes my blood boil. But if you ever want to have a civilized discussion about this, you let me know. I am OK with agreeing to disagree. I may not like it, but if someone can explain it to me, I am all ears because, frankly, it is currently the dumbest thing I have ever heard.)

I don't know all of the details of the funding, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything until I do a little research. But I have list all faith in AZ politics (is it coincidence that the state government is pretty much all Republican?), and hope they don't destroy something that I love and believe in. I always try to see the positive, and do the best I can in any situation.  Every day I wake up and giggle in delight that I am a teacher, even in the future. I feel like I blush every time someone asks what I do for a living. I consider it my biggest accomplishment, and I am proud every day to be involved in education. Going into my 3rd year, I am more excited than ever by the possibilities of making learning fun and helping to shape kids into positive contributors to society. And (to toot my own horn) I am good at it because I love it. Tomorrow is another first day of school, and I can't wait to see what the year brings. I can only hope that the buffoons that have been voted into my state congress will make smart decisions regarding this extra funding, and don't do a disservice to the children of our future by cutting regular state funding for education.  We are already behind the curve and have a ways to go to catch up and become competitive. These kids will be making decisions when our government representatives are senior citizens and need to be taken care of. Lets make sure teachers get the resources they need to help develop our kids into innovative, creative problem solvers who can read, write, and understand math and science.

And I think my political rant may be over. To be determined. Thank you for your time.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I am a sleeper.  It is what I do. Some people have expressed to me that they think it is necessary, but a waste of time. They feel guilty that they aren't up and using their for more productive things. I, however, have never felt that way, nor do I think I ever will. To me, sleeping is therapy. It is the best way to avoid the world's realities. And if you have ever seen me on a day when I have received less than the minimum 7-9 hours of required shut eye, I am intolerable. Even to myself. Naps require at least 2 hours. I have never been able to arouse myself graceful after only 20 minutes, even though studies say that is all you need. twenty minutes! Hardly worth it. I would have to set an alarm for a nap if that was the case.  And if I wake up with that groggy, pain behind the eyes feeling, going back to bed is a must because it doesn't go away all day.

So you can imagine what a shock it is to me that for the last 4 nights, I have barely slept. I have awoken promptly in the 3 o'clock hour only to battle the gut feeling that I will not be returning to slumber anytime soon. Some may say that I do not have insomnia. But let me tell you, 5-6 hours of sleep for me is not nearly enough. I am exhausted, but my body won't cooperate. Yesterday I managed to sleep for a couple hours late morning. When I woke up at noon, I felt incredible, but the day was almost over. And I had a sheet mark on my face that looked like a giant scar. Two hours into running errands, it was still on my face. Yes, 2 hours. My body is out of sync.
It is hard to concentrate on anything when I am this tired. My rate of production has been cut in half, like everything is happening in slow motion. The most baffling part is I don't know what is going on with me. Some say stress, but I think that is crazy. If I am stressed, I sleep to ignore it, which results in a repeating anxiety dream where I am back in the restaurant industry and the only person in the restaurant waiting tables. I always wake up feeling better because I realize that things could be far worse. This has always worked for me.

I had a friend suggest a super hot bath with ginger in it, and then straight to bed. I think she may be right. But I am going to hit some home remedies and turn it into a full spa evening. I think a manicure, and facial will be part of the process. I will drink some Sleepy Time tea and read my newest vampire series to try and settle my brain. I hope that does the trick, or it is long to be a long week.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Serging Ahead

As I move on from fertility woes to focus on the next school year, my mind is wild with ideas and lesson plans and how to bring more money and quality donations to the classroom.  It is no secret that my favorite classes are my Fashion Design/Clothing Construction classes. I love to see the light bulb go on in a child each time they do something as simple as sew their first straight line. So when I saw the possibilities in the latest Sew, Mama, Sew! giveaway, I about fainted! They are giving away this Husqvarna Viking s21 Serger (retail value $1199)!  All you have to do is write a blog on why you should win. So here it is:

I fell instantly in love with my very first sewing machine which was a Husqvarna (the Husky Star, as a matter of fact). I still pull it out and work on it because I love it even though it doesn't have any bells and whistles. I did not have the same sort of instant attraction to my serger. My cheap, $100 used, (never taken out of the box) not-so-quality brand serger was used when I took a class at the local community college on how to use it, and then promptly put on the shelf and never used again. Even after service, I can't get it to have a balanced tension, and abandoning it seemed a healthier option then deal with the stress and anxiety of it. 

Fast forward a few years, and I started teaching, I was thrilled to see that my classroom had fancier versions of my first love. Could I also love the classroom serger? No, because there is no serger. How on earth do I teach a future generation of fashionistas anything without a serger?  It is an integral part of the fashion industry, and telling students to flip up the hem of their T-shirt to see the difference between a serged seam and a zig-zag seam doesn't make a very big impact.  And, of course, the school district doesn't have funds for one. Money rarely gets dumped into Junior High Electives. The big money goes to the high schools. So I often have to suck it up and make do. But "make do" doesn't sit well with me, and I try to tackle all sorts of outside resources for quality stuff to teach and bring creative learning processes to the kids.

That is where this giveaway comes in.  I think this serger would be the perfect compliment to my classroom's existing 25 Husqvarna machines. If I won this serger, I would take it straight to work, and allow the students to use it, and learn from it. It would be nice to have a brand the kids are already familiar with to aid in the learning curve. I already have the perfect place for it. It is also a stellar (yes, I said stellar) machine. And it would not be that terrible of a burden for me to take it home in the summers to make sure it stays in good running condition. It is a machine meant for sharing after all. Even if it is with the teacher. And I would have to keep my skills up to be a better teacher. I can't imagine a better recipient than the youth of America. Corrupting junior high students one pair of pajama pants at a time.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


It's official.  Miscarriage.  Best of the worst case scenarios, I suppose. I have had people ask me, "Are you really OK?"  Yeah, why not? Moping and getting all worked up doesn't change  any thing. Honestly, I spend more time being annoyed and irritated than upset.  When I think of all the things I could have been doing this summer, that bothers me. But that was the choice I made, so I live with it. Knowing is far better than the day to day confusion of "What the hell is happening?" So we move on. I have to have a blood test every week until I get 2 consecutive negative tests, then wait 30 days, and then we can go again. For the time being, no more shots, and plenty of liquor. Juvenile, maybe. Therapeutic, absolutely. Where I went wrong was allowing myself to get excited and really believing this one was different. Next time, I am not going to read into my gut.
The last couple weeks have been highly unproductive. The last few days especially.  Focusing has taken great strength, and has not come easy. Work starts in 2 days, and now I will be able to concentrate on something else. I don't know if it was a better situation or not to have this experience in the summer. Obviously, the outcome didn't matter.  And it was tough to not have other things to focus on. It pushed me out of my comfort zine, that is for sure. I think I liked the process better when I had other things to do. And while I am still figuring out the delicate balance between being busy and overextending myself, I think it is unhealthy for my personality to try and have no other stress in my life. I sort of live off of stress. Otherwise obsession kicks in. I stayed relatively calm through this whole thing, but inside, I know my mind was in a million directions. I was never forced to think of anything else, and I think my stress levels were elevated because of it. As we continue, I think there is a little more stress each time. I don't believe it is possible to be completely stress free.  But I think there are different ways to manage it for each person.  Though it is tough to figure in all of the appointments during the school year, I think that is the way to go for me. And I am going to try to remain optimistic as we continue to keep our eye on the prize.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Hello Heartache, how I have missed you.

Yes, here we go again. I have felt great, and should have known that that wouldn't last long. I started spotting Thursday night. Nothing crazy, but that is always how it starts, and always a few days before my scheduled ultrasound. It has continued, on and off the last few days. And slowly, some of my other symptoms have begun to lessen and/or diminish. I called the doctor each day just to report in. They decided that I needed a blood draw this morning to see if my hormone levels are on track.  When I arrived, he said that he wanted to do an ultrasound as well. Okey-dokey.  Up on the table I went. 
The sonogram didn't indicate anything bad, but it didn't show anything good either. There was no indication of an embryonic sac anywhere. It is still early, but he said that he should have seen something. On the plus side, he didn't see anything that could indicate ectopic. They drew my blood, and I have to get another blood draw tomorrow as well, to see what is happening. If my HCG levels are dropping, then obviously I have miscarried (the best case scenario, considering). If they have spiked, or keep rising, we probably have a "problem" pregnancy. Meaning ectopic, I would guess. I hope it is just a miscarriage, and that it will be determined before I have to go back to work on Thursday. I haven't cracked open a bottle of wine, yet.  But it is ready and waiting for when I get those blood test results.
Might I remind you, that as disappointing as it is, I am OK with miscarriage. In my mind, it is the way my body says it was not going to be a healthy baby. I am not torn up, only annoyed, and ready to move on.
I don't know what this means as far as going forward. I have a lot of questions about why I can't seem to hold on to a pregnancy past 5 1/2 weeks. Most of which they probably won't be able to answer. I have large cysts form the last cycle that will need to go down, and healing from the egg retrieval surgery that will need to happen before we do our last IVF cycle in our package. It will, once again, interfere with my work schedule which irritates me. But we will do what we have to do. 

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Moving Along

Monday morning, immediately after my blood test, I took off to San Diego for a few days. It was beautiful.  Cloudy and 66, cool, salty, calming. I assumed my blood test results would be positive, so I was happy to get the heck out of the heat.
And they were just that.  My HCG levels increased like they are supposed to. For those that know what I am talking about, my numbers came back as 666, which had me a little worried that I a carrying the spawn of Satan.  Then again, morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet, so maybe not. Every day is a little different as far as symptoms. I will spare you the details, but I have almost all of them.  The most disconcerting is the cramping.  I keep reminding myself it is a good thing, my uterus is expanding and moving to prepare. But a little part of me cringes a little in fear with each one. And I tend to need something to eat on a constant basis. By constant, I mean hourly.  Each time I sit down to eat, I think "Great appetizer.  What's next?" Food only seems to spark more hunger. I'll take it as a good sign. I just wonder how I am going to fit so much eating into my work schedule next week. I suppose that is what passing periods are for.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday.  They will be looking for placement to make sure I don't have another ectopic pregnancy. I will also know at this time if one or both of the embryos implanted. Wow. I'll have another ultrasound the week after that to check for proper growth and heartbeat/s. The doctor said they could then start weening me off of my medication because the placenta would begin to take over. The progesterone oil shots haven't been that bad, but I will certainly be happy when I can just take a prenatal vitamin every day and be done with shots for a while. My friend had to give them to me in CA, which I think was more traumatizing for her then it was for me.
In the meantime, I am avoiding the work that needs to be done before I go back to work next week. And napping.  And eating. I just wish I was still doing that at the beach.

Friday, July 23, 2010


Thursday was my blood test.  I opted to go with a local blood draw business instead of make the 50 mile round trip downtown for a a simple needle stick.  As a result, my doctor's office didn't have the results by the time of close Thursday.  I had already slept poorly Wednesday night because I was so anxious for the test, even though I knew what the result would be.  I wanted numbers.  Counts of the pregnancy hormone to assure me that things were looking good.  So I had another night of awful sleep anticipating the results.  The Dr. opens at 8, and each minute that ticked passed, I got more and more nervous.  I started to really freak myself out. I knew they had the results.  "Why haven't they called? Are they with clients and they won't have time to call until this afternoon? Do they need extra time to talk to me because it is bad?" Blah, blah, blah.  Jon had left that morning for a meeting, and I was terrified that they were going to call when he wasn't home.  What was I going to do if the result was negative and he wasn't here to calm me down? So he walked in the door at 9, I had to go to acupuncture at 9:15.  I was on the verge of vomiting. As I was digging in my purse for my keys, the phone rang.  It was the doctor.  Oh my god.  The doctor.  I didn't want to answer it.  I was terrified.  And then he said what I had known since Saturday.  I am pregnant.  Yahoo!!!!!  My numbers looked good.  So the first hurdle has been cleared.
So what is next?  I have another blood test on Monday, and my hormone levels should elevate in the proper manner.  Once that is verified, I will have an ultrasound the next week to make sure everything is in the right spot.  Then the usual, get through the first trimester, and birth. 
I would love to say I am hesitantly excited, but it is hard not to be full on excited.  This one just feels different.  Good different. But my breath is held, I am not going to lie.  Each major hurdle, I will allow myself to breath a little more freely.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I had a Mayan massage a few weeks ago and one of the questions on the medical questionairre was "Do you have hope?" What exactly does that mean? Do I hope my IVF cycle works out? Of course I do. That is a stupid question (yes, there are stupid questions, I don't care what people say). But do I obsess about, or live based on hope? Absolutely not. I don't deal in hope (unless we are talking about Obama). I don't get it. It is to unclear. So are words like faith and belief. In what? And what difference would it make? To me, none. Perfectly good words that are too often associate with religion. Ruins it.

It isn't necessary when most of my life can be measured with scientific actualities. In addition, by believing in science, hopes aren't broken when things don't work out. Going through the things we have gone through over the last 7 years (yes, we have been trying that long) has taught me to be practical and realistic about chances and possibilities. Realism is easier than lying to myself about unrealistic expectations. And things either are, or they aren't, it is your reaction that matters. Not saying I don't give myself pep talks and believe in positive thoughts. I do. But I don't kid myself about things that I can't control. And control is a big issue with me. I have had to learn a lot about letting go. It about kills me some days. And there will always be a part of me that ultimately always wants 100% control, I just have to suppress it.

So how do you explain things that you just know? That whole woman's intuition thing? There are things I know. But because they haven't been verified by science results, does that mean they should be measured with hope, or faith, or any of those other ridiculous words that people use to make themselves feel better? I say no. But there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world that need to be recognized. It is the magic of existing that makes every day an adventure and a learning experience. Nature fascinates me.

Each time we have gone through an embryo transfer or fertility treatment, I have known when it has been successful and when it hasn't. If we were going through this naturally, I don't know that I would be so clued in. But each time, it has been clear to me, and then my body starts to prove to me my instincts.

So I know. Have known since Saturday. But you will have to wait until I get a definite yes or no.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Killing time

Thanks for listening to my pity party. It hardly sounded like me writing. Can I blame it on the hormones? I am feeling better. All I do is sleep. Today is the first day I have made it to 1:30 without a nap. In my defense, progesterone is the hormone that causes so much fatigue in the first trimester, and that is also what I am shooting myself up with at night. I wouldn't say all of my sleep is quality. My dreams have been really weird. I blame it on not exercising. So today, I went to the gym with Jon. I am on doctor's orders not to workout right now, not to worry. All I did was some light walking in the treadmill. It just felt good to move. I had my book in hand, so I couldn't go very fast, though it was hard not to kick it up a notch when a fast song came on and both people next to me were running. But I kept it in control. No sweat was lost, no heartbeat was raised, and it was more than I have done in weeks, so I felt pretty good about it. If I don't get up off my ass, I will have a rude awakening when school starts, so I need to get back in the groove. As soon as my workout ban is lifted I will work out again the way I want to.
So what am I doing in the meantime? I have to wait for test results and need to fill my time with something. I no longer have daily dr. appointments and 2x week acupuncture appointments have been scaled back to once a week. All of a sudden, I have all this extra time on my hands. They were like a part time job. I still haven't gotten to the lesson plans I promised myself I would spend 4 hours a day on starting July 1. I have a hat and a skirt to make before I go to San Diego for 3 days. And I am trying to hammer out some knitting guild stuff so I don't have to worry about it when school starts. Overall, I still have things to keep me busy, and those lists get longer with each nap I take. So waiting for test results isn't so bad.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Embryos in

Yesterday was our embryo transfer, and they put in the 2 most viable candidates at that moment. One had reached blastocyst stage (day 5 of development when the embryo has inner and outer cell masses that will be a baby and a placenta). The other was almost there, still safe for transplant because it would (obviously) go through the same process in the body. It went with minor discomfort, and I spent the rest of the day on bed rest, reading and doing nothing important on the computer.
This morning the Emryologist called regarding the remainder of our embryos. Many of the embryos had stalled in their development. They all stalled at about the same stage. Two embryos looked good, and were frozen. That is 2. Two out of 20.
I have to admit, I was a little annoyed, and discouraged. You would think we would have had better odds considering. Twenty is a lot of eggs, and most women don't get that many in this process. Because this one was so physically rough on me, I was hoping for a stronger turnout so we have some back-up in the bank. But, whatever. Ultimately, I hope it doesn't matter, and this will take. We are just thinking about the next pregnancy, and know that 2 frozen embryos probably won't be enough to get a second child, and we will have to go through the financial strain again. I know that I am thinking about things that are so far off. We need to focus on one thing at a time. Lets get through 1 successful pregnancy first. But the mind can't help but wander. If this one doesn't take, we go through the whole harvest process again. And I have apprehensions about that. One IVF cycle was fine, one was rough. So who knows what the next one will be like. What I am tired of us running my life by my fertility schedule. No vacation, no workout, no wine, no sex, no this, no that, blah, blah, blah. It gets old. I know I will make sacrifices when I have kids, and I look forward to that. Its just that sometimes I feel like I am sacrificing so much of myself to get this that I am doing a disservice to me and my husband. If we are going to have to go through another fresh IVF cycle, some things will be different. I am going to make myself crazy trying to live every second by rules other people give me. I know my body well enough to know where I will, and won't be able to push myself. I will just have to be able to look back on this and remind myself - in 2 years, after this baby is born and we are ready for the second.
So now, we wait..........

Sunday, July 11, 2010

On the mend

Just a quick update. Friday night was another rough night. I began the night upright, again. As the night went on, and I woke up often, I readjusted, and at about 3:30 am I managed to be in a flat position on my side. It was awful. And if I wanted to flip over, I still had to sit up and turn myself. So I didn't get much sleep. The gas was still so bad that I looked 4 months pregnant. The stretching of my stomach about killed me. But Saturday was better. I managed to get a little done around the house (light duty, of course) and even made an appearance at a party last night. Unfortunately, we had to leave by 8 to go home and administer shots. This will run our schedule for a while. They said the shots will continue for the first trimester. Keep that in mind if you invite us to any parties. They go in my back, so Jon has to do it. And it is quite a process with multiple needles, heating pads, markers, etc. It still hurts to touch my stomach, which makes me a little nervous. The doctor does a belly ultrasound (with a full bladder, mind you) during the embryo transfer to guide all of the equipment and what not. It can be very uncomfortable in a normal scenario, so I am hoping it will be less painful by then. My poor cat is feeling awfully rejected since he can't climb up on me. I have to go to a birthday party today with little kids and am nervous about them wanting to touch me (I have been known to encourage climbing in the past). But I will just have to sit down and take it easy.
the embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday. We will know then how many will be frozen as well (not all will live 5 days in the incubators).
Thanks for all the well wishes. I am getting there.

Friday, July 9, 2010


Last night was rough. I had some pain yesterday in the late afternoon and had to call the doctor. After walking me through some self tests, he concluded that sometimes when people are in pain, they swallow air. That air gets trapped in the body and can cause great discomfort. Yeah, no kidding. I could barely breathe. So Jon ran to the store for some Gas-X and I was told to sit up. Lying down was painful anyway, so I was somewhat relieved until bedtime. Lots of belching, which hurt to push out but temporarily relieved some of the discomfort. Per doctors advice, I slept propped upright. I was surrounded by pillows, and looked quiet ridiculous. I was worried about neck cramps, and getting any sleep at all. But my horseshoe shaped travel pillow was the perfect cradle for my head, and I managed to get some rest. I still woke up every 2 hours to pee (with my ovaries so swollen, they are fighting for space, making my bladder unable to handle large quantities of liquid) and re-adjust. I have dozed a little on and off today as well. We also started the Progesterone shots last night, which are oil based (so thick, and hard) and Jon has to give them to me because they go into my hip in my back. The needle is huge, and I am glad I don't have to do it to myself. This will continue through the first trimester. I am still quite uncomfortable, and still struggling with bloating and gas. The doctor says it will get worse before it gets better. I am hoping the worst was yesterday afternoon. I feel better, just not great. We have a couple parties this weekend, and I am hoping to be well enough to at least make an appearance.
I did manage to leave the house for a pedicure. A girl has her priorities, and was feeling wild so I went for a glittery blue- first time ever for that. I quiet like it. But was exhausted upon arriving home. Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang, and my mood perked right back up with a flower delivery (thanks Mom & Dad!).
The doctor called this afternoon, and 20 eggs were fertilized and popped into the incubator. That is an outstanding number. My embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday, when they are 5 days old. They will put 2 in me, and the remaining embryos that live that long will be frozen. I pretty much plan on bed rest, and will allow myself to be up again on Friday. I have books to read, and my computer can come to bed with me.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I haven't blogged for a while, clearly. After such a hiatus, its hard to know where to begin. The last spring was so busy, that it is a blur. Then summer started, and I was a cleaning, baby gift making, project completing machine for the first few weeks. Nothing interesting or worth blogging about. Just productive in many ways.
All of this "getting things done" led to the second half of my summer. We are doing Invitro Fertilization (IVF), again. We had 2 embryo transfers this spring, both were negative. So without anymore frozen in the bank, we were set to go through a fresh cycle again. I predicted this round would be different than the last for a variety of reasons. 1) I am not working. So if I want to stay in bed all day, I can. This greatly reduces my stress level. Even though I don't feel really intese during the school year because I love my job, it obviously takes a toll mentally, and physically as I create lesson plans and chase after children all day. 2) My diet is different. I have mentioned going gluten free before, and what a difference it made in my physical well being. I should mention now that I am not so much gluten free, as wheat free. That was my allergy, and eliminating all gluten can be tedious, so I decided to stick to wheat only. And peanuts. And melon. And oats. And blue cheese. And all the other foods that I am allergic to, and never liked anyway. 3) I kicked up the acupuncture to 2x a week. That should help stimulate my ovaries, and balance my body.
This IVF cycle has been rough on me, I am not going to lie. Last time, I felt great. I worked out up until the day before my embryo transfer, shots went well, etc. This time, I have been uncomfortable for a week, and cried almost every time I had a shot. Jon had to help give them to me and I bruised after almost every one. It looks like someone has been punching me in the ovaries, and it feels like that every time I go over a speed bump, or hit the curb in our driveway.
This morning I had my egg retrieval surgery. I am in a lot of pain, and had some trouble coming out of anesthesia. Throwing up uses too many muscles near my ovaries, so that didn't help. But they took out 33 eggs. Yes, 33. I was a little egg factory, so it is no wonder I was uncomfortable. We won't know until tomorrow how many were fertilized because they go through a process of cleaning the eggs before they introduce them to the sperm. Did you know that a mature human egg is about the same size a typed period (.)? One day at a time, and the hard part is over.
I mentioned earlier this year, when I turned 33, that I felt really great about this year, felt lucky. Thirty-three is my favorite number. Should I find it a coincidence that today I had 33 eggs removed? I think it is a sign. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll keep you updated through the blog.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Fabric, fabric, fabric

This last Saturday, I had an opportunity to meet Heather Bailey (which is weird to say because my sister-in-law is also named Heather Bailey), who is one of my favorite fabric designers. Her lines are very bright and hip, and her patterns are whimsical and fun. She lives here in Gilbert (her kids even go to one of our rival high schools), and I was sort of awestruck. I had to have my friend Amy along to keep me in check so I didn't appear like a stalker and stare too much. But she had some great samples of her work, and I bought a couple patterns. I ended up spending some time this weekend with the new patterns and making some Henrietta turtles and some Ollie elephants. It is as close as I get to a local celebrity and it was fun. I of course bought some more fabric, and am itching to start a new project. Because, you know, I have so much spare time.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Mary Poppins review

So, I saw Mary Poppins tonight at Gammage. I can't even tell you how excited I was for this. Mary Poppins is one of my all time most favorite movies, and I especially love the soundtrack. My mom had it on a record and I listened to it over and over as a kid. We had the movie on VHS, which was watched a lot, and if you know me at all, you know I watched it over and over and over and over and over. Eventually we recorded the soundtrack on to an audio tape (with Annie on the other side, another favorite) that I continued to listen to until it melted in my car when we moved to Arizona.
Mom, if you haven't seen it yet, you may want to skip my review. And if you aren't as familiar with the movie, you may not care, but I am so disturbed that I needed to get it down in writing. I'll start with the high points. The cast were amazingly like the characters in the movie. I thought Katie Nanna had been beamed through time and placed on stage. their voices were top notch when they did sing, and the dancing was very well coordinated. "Step in Time" was brilliant in the dance coordination, and they all had on tap shoes, which added to the effect. They had almost the entire cast in unison with the sweeps and everything. I was thrilled that it was done well. But the rest of it pretty much sucked. They kept some characters, but not their odd charm and personality. For instance, Mr. Banks talks to the Admiral in the street, but never did they address the fact that he sets off a cannon every day at noon and the whole house shakes and everyone has to scramble to keep the breakables from falling off teh walls. Scenes were out of order, and some just plain omitted. Bert's bipolar uncle was no where in the story, which also means that one of my favorite songs was gone too - "I Love to Laugh." The scene in the park when Bert dances with penguins was creepily done with statues instead of penguins. The words to Supercalifragileisticksxpialidocious were changed, and the scene where they sang it was new. As a purest, I can't believe they changed the song that is most known and associated with the movie. I was appalled. I hate the song "Feed the Birds" and they did a reprise of it 3 times. Really? I find it hard to believe that of the 18 original songs from the movie that the stage writers could only find ways to include and adapt 6 of them. The movie is only 140 minutes long, you could easily have used the exact same script. They also took time to write new songs, and turn them into main focus pieces of the entire production. Mary Poppins was not "Practically Perfect" as she is in the movie, but came off as goofy and silly as opposed to composed and wise. Mrs Banks came off as pathetic and insecure, which was obviously planned and so leaving out "Sister Suffregette" only took away from her strength. "Let's Go Fly a Kite" was sang with Bert & Michael instead of Mr. Banks, which took away from the whole meaning behind the song.
Was I glad I went? Yes. Would I see it again? No. I guess I should have known better. I assumed that since Annie and Chicago were both well done on the stage and in the movies, I thought this would be the same. I have always wanted to see the Lion King, and I think the movie is ho-hum, so maybe I won't be disappointed. On a positive note, when I got home, I immediately downloaded the soundtrack from the 1964 Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke movie from iTunes onto my iPod. I am happy once again.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Gluetin Free

It has been 1 month since my cleanse, and my decision to be gluten free. I found out a few years ago that I had some mild food allergies. These allergies didn't seem to affect me much, so I ignored them. But after some experimentation, I realized what an impact it made on my life. So no more wheat, or peanuts (and other things that I never really liked anyway like melon, oats, and cheese mold). The great thing is that corn, potatoes, and rice are still on the list of foods I can eat, so I am not completely out of starch. I sometimes miss crackers, pizza, and cake, but have found good gluten free substitutes. It is easier than I thought it would be. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss beer. There is supposedly a gluten free beer out there, but I have yet to try it. I am amazed at how much better I feel. I can think more clearly, have lost 7 pounds (the goal is 15), am not as tired, and have a great energy level. I really hope my body can concentrate on sustaining a pregnancy as opposed to fighting allergies all the time. I think there is a direct link, and hope this helps.
I also am appreciating my new energy level because of my schedule. I practically need to schedule time to pee I am so busy. But I am really enjoying my 2 classes, even though they go pretty late at night, and have had a successful semester so far with my new kids. I don't have things down pat yet, but am not scrambling at the last minute as much to put together a lesson. I had a wonderful birthday weekend in Las Vegas with my parents. We had great food, and I saw Bette Midler, and Love. It was awesome. I love that town.
I am exhausted, but love the feeling of learning, and living. They say everyone should eat vegetarian 2 days a week. I feel the same about gluten for those that aren't allergic to wheat. Give it a whirl!

Monday, January 18, 2010

First Day Jitters

I decided this weekend that I wasn't busy enough and signed up for 2 classes at the local community colleges. I am terrified for tomorrow. I can't for the life of me figure out what has me so worked up. College was horrendous the first time around. I hated it. I did what I had to do, dropped out often, and forced myself to finish in 6 very long years. Hooray for me. I am now a much wiser woman with a career that I love, going to get some extra knowledge for both work and play. Why the stress? I think it all has to do with time management. Can I get it all done? You should see my schedule. If I want to do everything I want to, I will have to pencil in time to pee for the next 5 months. Maybe I am crazy. But I always work better with a schedule, and I have slotted my Monday-Friday out rather well, in my opinion, and saving the weekend for whatever the week may bring. Probably a lot of sleep since class is on Tuesday and Thursday nights, downtown, until 10 pm. I don't know when I will have time to snuggle with Jon or the cat. But I will be learning, which is one of my favorite things to do. And I will be able to take some of those things and apply them to work. It will inspire me professionally, and personally. I keep thinking about that Etsy shop...... I took quite a few classes this summer, and not only really enjoyed them, but also felt I had a better grasp on work with the knowledge I gained. It has helped me feel more solid about this school year, and I feel like my routine has improved, and I am utilizing my resources more efficiently. I am excited to see what classes will be offered this summer as well. I don't need an Associates degree, but if that is what happens with a class here and a class there, so be it. I may get a couple certificates in the process for the resume. Just in case I need it. If I had more spare time, I would take more classes. I just wish I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.
What am I taking, you ask? A basic Fashion Design class, and Pattern Design I so I can maybe make my own dresses. I really wanted to take Fashion Illustration and Sewing with Knits, but couldn't get in. Too late. But I will keep my eye out for this summer, as well as Pattern Design II and various other enticing credits!