Maybe not.......

Maybe I am not over it. It has been hard over break to have so much time to think, and let's be honest, obsess. I have good days, and I have bad days. I think a lot of this is due to the hormones I am still on. I just want this to all be over. First, I just want to get back to work and have a schedule again. Guess it was sweet dreaming to think I could bounce back so easily. Could this year just end, please?

Stuff

I didn't want to sound too materialistic on Christmas. But I love "stuff." And this Christmas was filled with great stuff.
I didn't get much that I didn't love. That is the benefit of making a list. I am so excited, that I have to share my favorites with you.

1). I gave Jon an iPad. I don't even have to explain to you how cool it is. We have played a ton of games (including a few of my favorites - Family Feud and Price is Right) and Jon has read a million books already. But I am more geeked about what he gave me - Nikon Monarch Binoculars. Yes Binoculars. For birdwatching, of course. I love them. I am working on making a strap. More to follow.

2.) iPod Shuffle and BOSE headphones- I currently take my iPod Classic with me everywhere I go. I listen to it in the car, in the classroom, play Tetris and Solitare on it, have my calendar and contacts, etc. Jon calls me his little Cyborg. But the one place I hate it, is at the gym. It weighs a ton. And though I feel strong with it strapped to my arm, it becomes a nucence after 30 minutes on the treadmill. What I wouldn't give for a practically weightless Shuffle! And now I have one. It is perfect for my Workout playlist and a little extras. In addition, last year I broke my BOSE headphones that allowed me to rock out without outside noises and distractions. Those were also replaced, so I can really tune out the bad music at the gym. Yes!

3.) Metal Stapming Kit (from Beaducation)- I mentioned it before, and I acted on it. I love my new metal stamping kit. I have made a few necklaces and am working on tons more. It may be a new obsession. If you are a friend, expect gifts. You are all guinea pigs to my masterpieces. I am having so much fun, I asked for more stuff to accompany it for my birthday. Again, more to follow.

And though I know that Christmas is supposed to be about a lot of other things, I equally enjoy the stuff that gets exchanged. Hope you got tons of stuff you enjoy, too!

Merry Christmas

Christmas was quiet this year. While I missed my family, I appreciated the time alone with my husband. We opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, and had his parents, and grandparents over for a mid-day Christmas meal. It was calm, quiet company. Jon cooked, I decorated. Because we haven't been home in years, I had forgotten about many of our decorations. I love my alligator salt & pepper shakers from Department 56, and I found this great little pack of gift confetti at Peir 1 Imports. I think my 5 foot tree is a little overloaded with ornaments, and I dream of a bigger tree one day, but it has a lot of memories on it that I wouldn't trade for the world.
It's been a crummy 8 weeks, but I am grateful for my family. Merry Christmas everyone!

Honoring Cindy

I have this amazing group of women as friends. They all know each other from college, so there is a lot of history there, and they have accepted me with open arms into their lives. There are so many things I love about them individually and as a group. My favorite part is the way they support each other, and never judge. Each of them have gone through similar and different life experiences that enrich their relationships.
One of these people is Cindy. Cindy is amazingly dedicated to volunteer work. She has started 2 non-profit companies, Employee Reach which helps companies set up volunteer  opportunities for employees, and Phoenix Volunteers, which gives volunteers a chance to view and sign-up for various non-profit organization events in the valley. Two years ago, Cindy donated her kidney anonymously to save the life a boy, and has been recently been nominated for the Giraffe Heroes Project for sticking her neck out for the greater good.
Last Saturday, on the 2 year anniversary of her kidney removal surgery, the group got together to surprise and honor Cindy for her achievements and influence over the community, and for the Giraffe Heroes nomination. In Cindy style, we spend the evening participating in a service project. We put together snack bags for kids at the Chandler Christian Community Center Operation Santa Event. It was rewarding on a variety of levels. Love and Kudos to Cindy, and everyone who supports her!

Putting together snack bags

Cindy getting crafty (which she thinks she isn't good at, but she did a great job)

Kelly, Veronique, Me, Nicole, Cindy (photo taken by Alexis, who should have had Ben take the picture, and Amy had already left, but she should be in it, too!)

Over it.

So I think I might be over it. What a relief. It helps to have a good week. School is out for break, and I started it with an after school one hour massage. I decided that this break will be a lot about decompressing. I am ready to start next semester with a fresh attitude, and insist on being rested. My plan is to do a lot of quilting and jewelry making, and gym time. I am making a queen size quilt for my in-laws boat, and I know 6 pregnant people, so there is a lot to be done. Could I do 1 quilt a day? Probably. Focus, focus, focus.
Ultimately, my life is no different than before, except that I will have a lot more time on my hands (calculated summer hours at some sort of doctor's appointment with drive times = part time job. Not kidding). So I am excited about that. There never seems to be enough time. And while I think I am too young for a bucket list, I am amped on the idea that we can actually start doing fun and creative things and I don't have to worry about bruising my ovaries or when my next procedure is.  Yes, we are still going to do our last embryo transfer in January. I don't have my hopes up, and have pretty much already closed the book on it, but will do it anyway.  In the meantime, I am going to try and dedicate that time to hobbies, the gym, and volunteer work.
I no longer walk around like a zombie, or think endlessly about it. I have been able to concentrate on other things for long stretches of time, even a full day without it entering my brain. Jon and I have started to talk about what is next and have begun planning (or dreaming) of vacations and activities. I am ready for my new adventures to begin, and for this to be over. Knowing that there is only about a month left of it, after 9 years, I think I can handle it.
With many hobby projects on my list, I should stay pretty occupied. Regular trips to the gym will become a better habit without doctors telling me when I can and cannot work out. I am going to spend about 2 or 3 months getting my strength back, and then I think one of my first tasks will be to complete a trapeze class at Trapeze U. And after 7 weeks, you get to put on a show for family and friends. I would expect everyone to come, and fully intend to look great in a sequined and feathered costume. Because I can. And really, out of all your friends, is it  a surprise that I want to do this? Probably not.
Any adventures you recommend? 

I would say that things are almost back to normal. I no longer have to tell myself to breathe, and can have regular conversations with people who don't know me. I have survived each day, and I have laughed at some point on each of those days. There are times, however, that I feel a little disconnected, like I am just going through the motions. My heart just isn't fully into everything.
I would say that 90% of me  is functioning at full capacity.
Part of me wonders if that 90% will be my new 100%, if there is some of me that I will never get back. I understand and accept that there is a loss and an acceptance that will forever shape who I am.  And I wonder where that leaves me now. The questions of my future remain my mystery.
There is some fear in the unknown of tomorrow. I don't want to get set in my ways. Kids were going to help prolong that with their unpredictability. Knowing that I already have quiet a few peculiarities, I can only see my personality getting cookier. And I don't know that that is a good thing. I can get away with believing that my eccentricities are currently a part of my charm, but if they get any worse, I could turn into a real loony toon.
But most importantly, I am looking forwarded to not being jaded and bitter. At this point in time, those emotions are built into sarcasm and humor, which has always been a healthy outlet for me, but sometimes it isn't viewed well by outsiders. People who don't get my sense of humor may not get my casualness and non challant attitude. But that is part of how I deal. That humor will end at some point, and I will move on to being a wiser individual for my experiences.

Healing begins

Thursday was supposed to be my blood test to get pregnancy results. You can imagine my irritation when the doctors office was closed during my scheduled appointment, and when I made my way back to work and called them, they wanted me to drive down to the downtown office instead. I flat out told them no. So I had to have my test on Friday, and they called an nurse in on her day off to draw my blood and take it downtown. I didn't feel bad for them for forgetting me the day before.
It was no surprise to me when the doctor called Friday with results, and it was negative. Who would have ever thought I would have felt such relief by a negative test. Part of not being able to move on is this feeling of limbo. If it had been positive, then I would have had to just wait to miscarry, and then wait for negative blood tests, and then wait another 30 day before we could start the next process of the frozen embryo transfer. Then March would roll around for the FET, and a miscarriage in April, and this whole thing wouldn't be over until then. Who wants to feel that way for this long? Certainly not me. And I don't feel like moving on can happen until it all ends.
Some people have asked why would even bother with the FET. If you trained for 9 years for a marathon, would you quit at mile 25? No, you probably wouldn't.  It only takes one good egg, and we have potentially 2 in the freezer. Worth a shot. At this point, why the hell not?
My ovaries are still healing, so we have to wait a month, but will do the FET in late January, and go from there.
Knowing the end is closer than late April brings some calmness and closure. So I was relieved that the test was negative. I won't have to go through the wait, and the discomfort of the process. And healing can begin.  Its a slow process. Wednesday the day passed without tears, Thursday I slept through the night. Little things, but making progress. As hormones leave my system, I will be able to think more rationally about the future, and our life options. But for the last few days, I have been OK. And that is the important part. I am going to be OK.

Why it is hard to move on

In the past, moving on hasn't been hard for me. The next step was always in site. If something didn't work, you make changes and do it again. How else did the light bulb get invented? This time, there is no do it again. I feel sort of suspended in time, like one of those music videos where the lead singer stands in teh middle of the scene not moving and everything else is in fast motion around me.  My iPod doesn't help much. It always seems to know my mood, and hasn't stopped playing music belonging on an independent film soundtrack for the last week. 
I've never had to think about "Next". Next was supposed to involve pregnancy and kids. So I don't know what to do with myself. It is a struggle to get through each day right now. The littlest things send me wailing, and when I am not crying, it remains at the surface of my emotions at every moment. When I am asleep, I dream about it. It is constantly on my mind and in my face. My brain is going to take a lot of re-wiring.
People have asked me if we would consider donor eggs. The straight up answer is no. I won't even consider it, regardless of how close they match your physical characteristics. I would rather have a child that is 100% not ours, than one that is 50% ours. I know that once I carried that baby, and raised it, I may not feel that way. But the fact is, I still think every day I would look at that child and wonder what it would look like if it were mine, really mine. Instead, there would be a daily reminder looking back at me that I was/am in some way defective. Survival of the fittest slapping me in the face.
Would adoption work for us? I don't know. It isn't something I ever thought I would have to think about, let alone discuss and research. I am still trying to process everything else that just happened. Let alone start to research adoption. More money to spend, and time.
I guess the big question is have I given up on being a mom? Am I OK with just being a super star aunt and friend who travels the world and lives an eccentric lifestyle? What I am still trying to get over, is that I want to be both.