Monday, November 22, 2010

Let's just say........

I have been too busy to blog, and really enjoying my school year and life right now. And then, this month happened. I have wanted to blog daily. But what do I say? Do you really want to read about what I have been going through? Where is the line between updating and just being a downer. I get frustrated by bogging. I want to use it as a journal, but sometimes am not sure if I really want to put myself out there to vulnerability like that. Yet, when things go wrong, or right, it is the best way to get out the word and express my emotions.
For now, let's just say I've had better months. This will have to come as a series. Some I can talk about now, some I can't. It started with the passing of my grandfather.
There is something magical about grandparents, their history, and their influence. My dad's parents were a huge part of our lives as kids, and they were the most important people in the world to me. My grandmother's passing 9 years ago still upsets me. Ever since then, I get a little pit in my stomach every time I see my parents calling, wondering if this is the second call. I don't have to worry about that anymore. And now, there is a second hole in my heart.
There is so much I feel like I needed to know about them. So many stories and things they and left to teach me.  There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, so much I have still to learn. And now, I am instead left with their memories, and their words, and what they taught me when they could. It is a stunning blow, and regardless of if you know it is coming, it still doesn't prepare you for the pain. It was hard to see him suffering in the end, and I am glad it is over for him. But that doesn't meas I don't miss him. And everything about them together.

2 comments:

liz said...

Losing a grandparent is such a hard thing. I hope your memories help you through the hard times. We all love you very much!

Erika S said...

I'm sorry, Cara. :( I know that doesn't make it easier. And I don't completely understand what you're going through, but I know how I feel about my own grandfather, who helped raise me, and I know how choked up I get now that he's in his "last years"... thinking about how that feels, well, my heart goes out to you. <3