Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A million reasons

Sunday was bad. I slept for about 4 hours, and got up at 1:30 in the morning to look at egg quality explanations on-line. Monday was tough. I barely ate, I suffered through work. Tuesday was bearable. Taking it day by day. And so far, it is hard. I am struggling with all sorts of emotions. I don't know what to do with all of them. Right now I can't think clearly enough to do more than face them as they come. The hardest part is not knowing when bad thoughts will hit. Driving in the car I heard a Johnny Cash song when he says "singing tends to help the troubled soul" and I lost it. I had someone tell me they thought I suppressed a lot of my emotions. But I think she was just upset that I didn't share all of them with her. She wanted me to get angry, and I feel like I got over being angry years ago when we had to start this adventure. I cry, that is how I work, and I have cried a lot. And know I will cry more.
I don't really understand anger. Anger = negativity, and I don't usually operate in that either. So maybe I am a little surprised by my current fall in attitude. And finally, I am a little angry. All my life I have been taught that I could do anything I wanted to do, and be anything I wanted to be. And I believed that. I have always worked hard for what I wanted and done what I believed in. I trusted my gut and learned lessons. And through all of that, it doesn't matter how hard I have worked, what I have learned, or what I have accomplished. There is only 1 thing I have ever wanted to be and I will never be able to do that. I will never be a mother to my own children. And that pisses me off.
And I am angry that this couldn't be pinpointed after the first round of IVF. Instead, I have struggled through 3 frozen embryo transfers, and 2 more full cycles which include major surgery, and a lot of money, energy, and emotions that could have been spared. This whole processes has taken years off my life. And my eggs, apparently. And it makes me mad that there is no explanation for the decline. We will never know.
I am angry at the people who look at me with sadness, like I am a barren old spinster whose life will never be fulfilled. I got over being angry at people who have no problem getting pregnant, but now, I am angry at the people who struggle like I did and still get pregnant, when I won't be able to. I am angry that I will go through the process of 2 more miscarriages before our embryo journey is over, making 6 pregnancies and no kids. No kids to watch grow, to see develop, and learn from. I'll never see my kids first steps, first day of kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own.
And there are a million more reasons why I am mad. And why I cry.  I have survived the last 3 days, but it feels more like I have just moved through time in slow motion, and underwater. I am having a hard time seeing when I will be able to put my boots back on and go back to kicking ass. And that makes me angry, too.


Cynthia said...

Oh, Cara. I wish I knew what to say but really, I don't know. I don't know, honey.

Please let us help, if you think we could.

Sending you love and wishing you peace.

Miggy said...

I just want you to know I'm here and reading. love you.