Another one

I know a million pregnant people right now. No exaggeration. And I am thrilled for all of them. Gift creation will keep me busy. I wonder what will happen when I no longer have babies to sew for. I will be either be really bored, or move on to the next greatest craft phase. Right now I am contemplating silver jewelry making!).
When I found out yesterday that another dear friend is pregnant, I was overjoyed. I don't want to miss out on a moment of her pregnancy, or her friendship through out it. What she and I are dealing with are completely different, yes, but that doesn't mean we don't both need each other. Only 1 person has ever upset me by her pregnancy, and she will never know who she is. I don't want people to be all sensitive and feel like they are walking on egg shells around me. It is what it is. I'll deal with it. In the end, I still have to wake up every day and live my life. That is what I am trying to do. It will just take time before I quit ending each day wondering if I will have less crying fits tomorrow than I did today. But have you ever known me to not be resilliant, and positive, and future bound (this last week aside)? Not to sound harsh, but I'll get over. You need to, too.

In the middle of all of this, I did make this little diddy. My new purse, pattern style By Amy Butler, has a zipper pocket divider, and holds almost all of my stuff. The only thing it lacks is space for a book, and next time I would add an extra pocket for my cell phone. The pattern was posted one day on Sew, Mama, Sew! as a promo for her new book. They must have removed it, for I can't find it anymore to add the link. Lucky me, I got it when I did. I have gotten tons of compliments on it, and it makes me smile when I look at it. So all is not completely lost.

I have also managed to get all of my Christmas decorations up, bake bread, cookies (I found a great gluten free flour that means I can bake again), many batches of caramel corn (that keep disappearing), and sleep a lot. Life is almost back to normal. It only took a few days.

A million reasons

Sunday was bad. I slept for about 4 hours, and got up at 1:30 in the morning to look at egg quality explanations on-line. Monday was tough. I barely ate, I suffered through work. Tuesday was bearable. Taking it day by day. And so far, it is hard. I am struggling with all sorts of emotions. I don't know what to do with all of them. Right now I can't think clearly enough to do more than face them as they come. The hardest part is not knowing when bad thoughts will hit. Driving in the car I heard a Johnny Cash song when he says "singing tends to help the troubled soul" and I lost it. I had someone tell me they thought I suppressed a lot of my emotions. But I think she was just upset that I didn't share all of them with her. She wanted me to get angry, and I feel like I got over being angry years ago when we had to start this adventure. I cry, that is how I work, and I have cried a lot. And know I will cry more.
I don't really understand anger. Anger = negativity, and I don't usually operate in that either. So maybe I am a little surprised by my current fall in attitude. And finally, I am a little angry. All my life I have been taught that I could do anything I wanted to do, and be anything I wanted to be. And I believed that. I have always worked hard for what I wanted and done what I believed in. I trusted my gut and learned lessons. And through all of that, it doesn't matter how hard I have worked, what I have learned, or what I have accomplished. There is only 1 thing I have ever wanted to be and I will never be able to do that. I will never be a mother to my own children. And that pisses me off.
And I am angry that this couldn't be pinpointed after the first round of IVF. Instead, I have struggled through 3 frozen embryo transfers, and 2 more full cycles which include major surgery, and a lot of money, energy, and emotions that could have been spared. This whole processes has taken years off my life. And my eggs, apparently. And it makes me mad that there is no explanation for the decline. We will never know.
I am angry at the people who look at me with sadness, like I am a barren old spinster whose life will never be fulfilled. I got over being angry at people who have no problem getting pregnant, but now, I am angry at the people who struggle like I did and still get pregnant, when I won't be able to. I am angry that I will go through the process of 2 more miscarriages before our embryo journey is over, making 6 pregnancies and no kids. No kids to watch grow, to see develop, and learn from. I'll never see my kids first steps, first day of kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own.
And there are a million more reasons why I am mad. And why I cry.  I have survived the last 3 days, but it feels more like I have just moved through time in slow motion, and underwater. I am having a hard time seeing when I will be able to put my boots back on and go back to kicking ass. And that makes me angry, too.

Later this month......

So most of my family stayed in Denver an extra day for the funeral. I am terribly homesick, so it was hard to leave but Jon and I had to get back, for a variety of reasons. Un-benownst to my family, we had an ultrasound immediately after landing in Phoenix, and embarked on our next IVF round. I wasn't telling them this time. The only people that knew were my boss and a few people helping me with coverage at work.  This one was going to be low key, and routine. I would tell people when there was something to tell. Like a 12 week pregnancy, or a miscarriage.
Everything went pretty routinely.  Shots were easy this time and I was not as uncomfortable or as sore as I was this summer. I had my egg retrieval last Thursday and they took out 29 eggs. Twenty of those were fertilized, and we just had to wait through incubation. Embryos are always checked after 3 days, and if all is going well, they go back in the incubator for a Day 5 transfer. So after 2 days of basic bed rest, I was eager to be productive Sunday before football started. The list was long, clean house, do laundry, do some experimental gluten free baking, knock out a quilt. I couldn't wait to get back to work on Monday, take Tuesday off again for the transfer, and see what becomes of our last IVF round. I was also interested to see how many extras we get for future attempts. And then my phone rang. It was the doctor's office. We needed to come in right away this morning for the embryo transfer. This has never happened before so after panic came disappointment and shock. As I abandoned my hopes of a productive day, I slipped on my new sock monkey slippers and headed out the door.
Upon arrival, we were escorted into the procedure room to change and as I hopped up on the table, the embryologist and my fertility doctor came into the room to discuss what was happening. The embryologist said he had never seen anything like it. Three of the embryos has to be immediately discarded, no surprise, because of basic fertilization complications (accepting 2 sperm instead of just one). But 12 of them just stopped developing after a day. They had 3 that looked promising, and recommended that all 3 get transferred into me, another first (the usual is 2). There were 2 more that were lagging behind a little and were going to go back into the incubator for possible growth and freezing. We won't know about these until Wednesday, but they don't look great. They said that if there were 4 that looked good, they would have put all 4 in me.
It comes down to this - poor egg quality. This would explain my constant miscarriages. The embryos don't have the strength to continue in development, and results for future attempts (if we tried them) would probably just get worse. The only known factor in egg quality is age, so they were surprised that they watched the decline in someone so young.
All I heard through the translation was "You will probably never have children of your own." So even though they then proceeded to transplant 3 in me, and it only takes one good one (which is possible), I had a really, really, really really bad day.
Before this round I kept saying, "I have this great life that I am not living. Lets do this and find out if we are having kids, or if we aren't, so I can move on." Is it that easy? I thought yes, but I have now realized that that statement is a lot like the death of my grandfather. Easy to say and prepare for, not so easy to accept and deal with.  This is something I was prepared to deal with after another miscarriage. I even had a friend lined up to use my frozens as a surrogate if I miscarried from this one. But per the doctor, it isn't my inability to carry a pregnancy. It is that the embryos keep dying. I fully expect a positive pregnancy test, and then fully expect to miscarry a week and a half later, like usual. If that doesn't happen I will be surprised. But it probably will.
I am devastated, heartbroken, etc. I am sure you can only imagine. I am trying to work through a lot of emotions right now, and am in predominately in shock. Though I have 3 in me, and 2 in a freezer, I have pretty much written them off. I don't want to hear anything about thinking positive. I haven't done anything but be just that up to this point, and it hasn't done me any good. And I am sick of it. I have earned the right to be upset, and negative. And that is how I will need to be for a while. So please don't ask, because I don't want to talk about it. I'll let you know if there is anything interesting to say. I know I am supported, and I appreciate that, even if I don't show it. Just let me be cranky for a while. Because this sucks.

Let's just say........

I have been too busy to blog, and really enjoying my school year and life right now. And then, this month happened. I have wanted to blog daily. But what do I say? Do you really want to read about what I have been going through? Where is the line between updating and just being a downer. I get frustrated by bogging. I want to use it as a journal, but sometimes am not sure if I really want to put myself out there to vulnerability like that. Yet, when things go wrong, or right, it is the best way to get out the word and express my emotions.
For now, let's just say I've had better months. This will have to come as a series. Some I can talk about now, some I can't. It started with the passing of my grandfather.
There is something magical about grandparents, their history, and their influence. My dad's parents were a huge part of our lives as kids, and they were the most important people in the world to me. My grandmother's passing 9 years ago still upsets me. Ever since then, I get a little pit in my stomach every time I see my parents calling, wondering if this is the second call. I don't have to worry about that anymore. And now, there is a second hole in my heart.
There is so much I feel like I needed to know about them. So many stories and things they and left to teach me.  There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, so much I have still to learn. And now, I am instead left with their memories, and their words, and what they taught me when they could. It is a stunning blow, and regardless of if you know it is coming, it still doesn't prepare you for the pain. It was hard to see him suffering in the end, and I am glad it is over for him. But that doesn't meas I don't miss him. And everything about them together.