Saturday, December 4, 2010

Healing begins

Thursday was supposed to be my blood test to get pregnancy results. You can imagine my irritation when the doctors office was closed during my scheduled appointment, and when I made my way back to work and called them, they wanted me to drive down to the downtown office instead. I flat out told them no. So I had to have my test on Friday, and they called an nurse in on her day off to draw my blood and take it downtown. I didn't feel bad for them for forgetting me the day before.
It was no surprise to me when the doctor called Friday with results, and it was negative. Who would have ever thought I would have felt such relief by a negative test. Part of not being able to move on is this feeling of limbo. If it had been positive, then I would have had to just wait to miscarry, and then wait for negative blood tests, and then wait another 30 day before we could start the next process of the frozen embryo transfer. Then March would roll around for the FET, and a miscarriage in April, and this whole thing wouldn't be over until then. Who wants to feel that way for this long? Certainly not me. And I don't feel like moving on can happen until it all ends.
Some people have asked why would even bother with the FET. If you trained for 9 years for a marathon, would you quit at mile 25? No, you probably wouldn't.  It only takes one good egg, and we have potentially 2 in the freezer. Worth a shot. At this point, why the hell not?
My ovaries are still healing, so we have to wait a month, but will do the FET in late January, and go from there.
Knowing the end is closer than late April brings some calmness and closure. So I was relieved that the test was negative. I won't have to go through the wait, and the discomfort of the process. And healing can begin.  Its a slow process. Wednesday the day passed without tears, Thursday I slept through the night. Little things, but making progress. As hormones leave my system, I will be able to think more rationally about the future, and our life options. But for the last few days, I have been OK. And that is the important part. I am going to be OK.

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