Saturday, December 11, 2010

I would say that things are almost back to normal. I no longer have to tell myself to breathe, and can have regular conversations with people who don't know me. I have survived each day, and I have laughed at some point on each of those days. There are times, however, that I feel a little disconnected, like I am just going through the motions. My heart just isn't fully into everything.
I would say that 90% of me  is functioning at full capacity.
Part of me wonders if that 90% will be my new 100%, if there is some of me that I will never get back. I understand and accept that there is a loss and an acceptance that will forever shape who I am.  And I wonder where that leaves me now. The questions of my future remain my mystery.
There is some fear in the unknown of tomorrow. I don't want to get set in my ways. Kids were going to help prolong that with their unpredictability. Knowing that I already have quiet a few peculiarities, I can only see my personality getting cookier. And I don't know that that is a good thing. I can get away with believing that my eccentricities are currently a part of my charm, but if they get any worse, I could turn into a real loony toon.
But most importantly, I am looking forwarded to not being jaded and bitter. At this point in time, those emotions are built into sarcasm and humor, which has always been a healthy outlet for me, but sometimes it isn't viewed well by outsiders. People who don't get my sense of humor may not get my casualness and non challant attitude. But that is part of how I deal. That humor will end at some point, and I will move on to being a wiser individual for my experiences.

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