Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Why it is hard to move on

In the past, moving on hasn't been hard for me. The next step was always in site. If something didn't work, you make changes and do it again. How else did the light bulb get invented? This time, there is no do it again. I feel sort of suspended in time, like one of those music videos where the lead singer stands in teh middle of the scene not moving and everything else is in fast motion around me.  My iPod doesn't help much. It always seems to know my mood, and hasn't stopped playing music belonging on an independent film soundtrack for the last week. 
I've never had to think about "Next". Next was supposed to involve pregnancy and kids. So I don't know what to do with myself. It is a struggle to get through each day right now. The littlest things send me wailing, and when I am not crying, it remains at the surface of my emotions at every moment. When I am asleep, I dream about it. It is constantly on my mind and in my face. My brain is going to take a lot of re-wiring.
People have asked me if we would consider donor eggs. The straight up answer is no. I won't even consider it, regardless of how close they match your physical characteristics. I would rather have a child that is 100% not ours, than one that is 50% ours. I know that once I carried that baby, and raised it, I may not feel that way. But the fact is, I still think every day I would look at that child and wonder what it would look like if it were mine, really mine. Instead, there would be a daily reminder looking back at me that I was/am in some way defective. Survival of the fittest slapping me in the face.
Would adoption work for us? I don't know. It isn't something I ever thought I would have to think about, let alone discuss and research. I am still trying to process everything else that just happened. Let alone start to research adoption. More money to spend, and time.
I guess the big question is have I given up on being a mom? Am I OK with just being a super star aunt and friend who travels the world and lives an eccentric lifestyle? What I am still trying to get over, is that I want to be both.

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