Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A Sacrifice to the Gods

Let me bring you up to speed. For those of you that don't know, Jon and I just went through invitro fertilization. That's right, more shots, and lots of them. Everything started at the end of February. I checked a voicemail every afternoon to see what I had to do that night (usually a series of 3 shots) and then went in for a blood draw and ultrasound every morning. On March 5th I had a procedure to remove my eggs, and though I was swollen and sore, they took out 22 mature eggs. Those that they couldn't reach, or weren't mature were left in. Sixteen were successfully fertilized and stuck in the incubator, and 8 made it to 5 days old. On March 10th we went in and they transferred 2 back into me, and froze the rest in pairs for future use. On March 19th we found out we were pregnant Yahoo!
Unfortunately, it didn't last long. I miscarried on Monday. And no, this is not an April Fool's joke. It has been a week of health follies as I have fallen apart at the seams. I had this crazy heat rash all over my legs for 2 weeks. Thursday I woke up with a fever, that turned into a full blown cold with some vomiting. That weekend, I slept so much that I was afraid I would lapse into a coma. Night sweats broke my rash, but Monday I broke out in hives, which usually send me to the ER, and then in the middle of an intense 2 hour state mandated test for all of my students to move into high school, I started bleeding (I am glad I wore black pants that day). On bed rest until I could get to the doctor on Tuesday, I was actually excited to go home and take a nap. Officially, I can't say that I miscarried until I get the results of my blood test back today, but let's be real. There was no visual pregnancy on the ultrasound yesterday, and they don't know what caused it. Though I am sure my having so many illnesses at once didn't help.
Yeah, it sucks, blah blah blah. But I would rather have no pregnancy than an unhealthy one. I think on top of everything, I would have a hard time dealing with a special needs child, and I mean that in the nicest way. Now that I have made my sacrifice to the baby gods (and lord knows I bled enough for that) we wait a month and try again. So here is my top 10 things on the positive note of miscarriage:
1. I got pregnant. That is a start.
2. I fit back into my regular bras overnight. You have no idea how good that feels. It is bad enough to have boobs on the big side, I sometimes worry they will be permanently stuck on extra super huge.
3. We have 6 frozen embyros in the bank, which will make the next process less complicated since I don't have to go through the egg harvesting process.
4. I can drink again, for a while. And I am not talking about water and Shirley Temples. We finally started carrying my favorite beer in AZ (EX Street Wheat by O'dells), and I haven't had it yet, so now I can. And wine. Sweet wine. Aaaahhhhh.
5. My body has time to heal from the itchy, rashy, stuffed up, feverish, coughing, vomiting, bleeding, sleepy mess that I had become. Plus, not having been to the gym in a month, I was turning into Jell-O, which brings me to my next point,
6. Gym, gym, gym
7. We paid for a package deal, so now we get to use it. It's not like I have to come up with another small fortune. It's like buy 1 chance, get 5 more for free. What girl can resist a sale?
8. I didn't want to have a baby on Thanksgiving or during Christmas season anyway. Too crazy.
9. Maybe I can get through bikini season before I get preggo fat. I can't bake in the sun when I am with child, so now I can work on my tan.
10. Practice makes perfect, and since we got to do no such spontaneous acts during this whole process, I can get back to enjoying my husband again.

So there you have it. I feel fine. My health wasn't at risk. I am alive and on the mend. I am not emotional about it, and don't plan to be, and I don't think that is abnormal. That won't get me pregnant again. Something like 40% of IVF cycles are successful the first time, I just fell into the wrong percent. Besides, my dead grandmother through 4 different phsycic readings promised me a boy who chose us a long time ago, and I'll be damned if I let this one speed bump stop me from denying that soul a place on this earth (I know I sound crazy, relax, I have always been crazy, you just may not have know it). If I am not pregnant by November 26th when this one would have been due, I may feel a small twinge of sadness. But that is a long time from now. There are a lot of people having babies right now that I am trying to knit for, and I can get that all out of the way in time to clear my knitting schedule for my own child.

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