Sunday, April 12, 2009

Last day of freedom

Tomorrow I check back into the hospital for another round of chemo. Fun stuff. I feel like I was on probation and I re-committed a crime, so I have to have another 5 day sentence. Not that I have had any fun at home. Doctor's orders - no sex, no drinking, no gym. Who could have fun with those orders? I worked a lot trying to get my class and substitute ready to take over for a week. I did enjoy spending time with Jon. He really is amazing. I appreciate him very much. He has been very patient, and loving, and just plain wonderful. I am dreading leaving him again. Its hard to sleep alone after 10 years. I won't see him much this time. He will probably stay home. Some women think I am crazy. But he needs to work (someone has to pay for this mess) and one of us might as well get a decent nights sleep. I have lots of visitors coming this time to bring me meals and entertain me, so it isn't worth the 2 hour round trip car ride. If something were to happen to me, he would get a phone call. Nothing he can do but sit by and watch it all happen, so he might as well be home being productive. And keeping my cat company. I am going to miss my cat, too.
I am going to try and knit something on bigger needles, with bigger yarn this time, and can hopefully get a couple scarves done. I will not bring my computer. What is the point without internet access? So I won't update my blog while I am gone this time. Mom and Dad are coming down from Denver to spend Thursday thru Sunday with me. So there will be some good uninterrupted game playing between naps. Plus that means I get to have a pedicure with mom on Saturday, and Bingo at one of the casinos if I am not too tired.
I just want to throw something out there. And I am not trying to complain. I know the people reading this are behind me. I just need ot get this off my chest because you all listen to me. There are some people who think I am not going through the appropriate stages of grief. Here's the thing. I was only 5 1/2 weeks, really only pregnant for 2 weeks. I was not attached. Not to mention that crying about it and getting myself into hysterics wasn't going to undo anything, or make me pregnant again faster. The whole thing has been quite neat to watch from a scientific point of view. I am excited to heal up and start again. We have 6 embryos waiting for us in a freezer somewhere. If fertility problems have taught us anything, it is how to be patient. I knew we had a chance of this not being successful, and I came to grips with that before we started. My body just wasn't ready. I am lucky this all happened early in the pregnancy so I can heal faster. I feel strong and positive. Getting pregnant again won't be a problem. No one is in the clear until that baby is born, and I am no different. Lets face it, I am a little OCD as it is. Do I really need to make myself crazy over all of this? No. I have been very lucky to be surrounded by very strong women in my life who influenced me every day to be who I am. And I have listened to those women's stories, to the things that have bonded us, and made us all stronger. That is where I get my strength. A good women knows when to cry, and when to be vulnerable. This is not a vulneraberable time for me. I pull from every other experience in my life, and from those around me (men and women alike) and know that I am ok. So you should be, too. I am not anti-feeling, or uncompassionate, or a monster. I cried when I thought I would lose my uterus and not have another chance at this. But quickly realized that that was why I was at the hospital. All the good doctors would prevent that from happening. Though it is not my choice of vacation spots, it is what it is. I will take this time to enjoy the company of those that visit, and get some good knitting and reading done, while challenging my brain when I watch the Game Show network. I am not discouraged, and look forward to moving on when this is over. I hope you all feel that, too. If you don't, please keep it to yourself. I don't need the negativity. I appreciate the positive support that is being thrown my way, and have been quite overwhelmed by it. It has been neat to re-connect with people I haven't heard form in a while, and have them share their stories as well. More strength to build on. I am not alone, and never will be. Thank you to all of you.


Cynthia said...

There are so many opportunities for growth in situations like these. For you and for those who care for you.

Take care, Cara.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing strong woman and I certainly share your optimism for your future. Can't wait to be reading all the happy posts that are to come. And, I will be thinking of you while I enjoy Biggest Loser tonight, makeovers and Tim Gunn!!!!!! Should make your night at the hospital fly by!! Love, Amanda (Collinsworth)

Kaitlin said...

Cara - I love your attitude and I am sending lots of loving and positive thoughts your way. Thank you for writing about your experience and for being so honest and open. Thinking of you, Kaitlin (Sandhaus-Rosanova)