Thursday, April 2, 2009

Hospital, here we come

Today I went to see a fetal radiologist. It was really amazing to see everything in my body, and I find science fascinating. I still have a healthy pregnancy, and there was a heartbeat and everything. Crazy. The problem is that it decided to plant in my cervix, instead of my uterus. It is on the verge of falling out of my vaginal opening, so it is close to gone anyway. But it is still connected to a blood source. Cervical ectopic pregnancies are rare, and dangerous. Tomorrow, I get to check into the hospital for treatment. I don't know much at this point, except that the treatment is the same as what is used to treat cervical tumors, and a type of chemotherapy in conjunction with a drug called methotrexate. It is aggressive and can cause severe bleeding. They want me there to monitor me to make sure I don't bleed so much that I lose my uterus, which is a possibility. I have been pretty cool up to this point, and think I have had, excuse my french, but a pretty great fucking attitude. But this afternoon, I lost it. I am scared and nervous, and wondering what else could go wrong with this whole process when all I want is a simple baby. Crack heads get pregnant everyday. Is that what I need to do? Am I participating in the wrong kind of drug treatment? Lord knows hard drugs might be more fun. And with an IV, it is hard to knit. Do I have enough to read? Can I get enough crosswords done? Did we pack Sequence and cards? Is Jon going to make me crazy? Am I going to starve (wait, I have already lost 10 pounds since my egg retrieval, only 6 more to go to hit my goal weight. Maybe that won't be so bad. Again, something hard drugs could take care of)? My brain is a mile a minute. I am also tired, which doesn't help, and I have to do laundry since I won't be here this weekend. Go to bed, some of you might say. But I can't pack for the hospital when I don't have a stitch of clean clothing. I even went to Target tonight to buy underwear, and realized I would have to wash it anyway. But I don't want to ruin any of my good stuff. And I have to do lesson plans. My poor students have to be so sick of me being gone. I am sick of being gone. I like a regular schedule. I wish I could take my cat with me, but something tells me the nurses won't find cat litter sanitary. But I am packing my pillow and blanket. And I will rehash the whole experience for you when I get home. Or maybe when I am there if they have wireless. Whatever. You'll find out.


Miggy said...

Holy Crap Cara...first, I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry. I always think of the same question when my friends go through fertility problems..."if crack whores and octo-moms for crying out loud can get prego, why not send a baby to my responsible, healthy and deserving friends?" Of course there is no answer. And as far as a boy who chose you and your family a long time ago, well I 100% believe that. Hate to break it to you, but you don't know how Mormon that sounds--we definitely believe that we knew each other before this life and so on--anyway, just so you know you don't sound crazy. Finally, please don't give up. You and Jon will be in our prayers.

Kristin B said...

Cara, you will get through this. And your right "why is it so easy the druggies get pregnant........" it is something we will never understand. But I will happen for you. Your in my thought and prayers.....Love you, Kristin