Sigh

It's official.  Miscarriage.  Best of the worst case scenarios, I suppose. I have had people ask me, "Are you really OK?"  Yeah, why not? Moping and getting all worked up doesn't change  any thing. Honestly, I spend more time being annoyed and irritated than upset.  When I think of all the things I could have been doing this summer, that bothers me. But that was the choice I made, so I live with it. Knowing is far better than the day to day confusion of "What the hell is happening?" So we move on. I have to have a blood test every week until I get 2 consecutive negative tests, then wait 30 days, and then we can go again. For the time being, no more shots, and plenty of liquor. Juvenile, maybe. Therapeutic, absolutely. Where I went wrong was allowing myself to get excited and really believing this one was different. Next time, I am not going to read into my gut.
The last couple weeks have been highly unproductive. The last few days especially.  Focusing has taken great strength, and has not come easy. Work starts in 2 days, and now I will be able to concentrate on something else. I don't know if it was a better situation or not to have this experience in the summer. Obviously, the outcome didn't matter.  And it was tough to not have other things to focus on. It pushed me out of my comfort zine, that is for sure. I think I liked the process better when I had other things to do. And while I am still figuring out the delicate balance between being busy and overextending myself, I think it is unhealthy for my personality to try and have no other stress in my life. I sort of live off of stress. Otherwise obsession kicks in. I stayed relatively calm through this whole thing, but inside, I know my mind was in a million directions. I was never forced to think of anything else, and I think my stress levels were elevated because of it. As we continue, I think there is a little more stress each time. I don't believe it is possible to be completely stress free.  But I think there are different ways to manage it for each person.  Though it is tough to figure in all of the appointments during the school year, I think that is the way to go for me. And I am going to try to remain optimistic as we continue to keep our eye on the prize.

Hello Heartache, how I have missed you.

Yes, here we go again. I have felt great, and should have known that that wouldn't last long. I started spotting Thursday night. Nothing crazy, but that is always how it starts, and always a few days before my scheduled ultrasound. It has continued, on and off the last few days. And slowly, some of my other symptoms have begun to lessen and/or diminish. I called the doctor each day just to report in. They decided that I needed a blood draw this morning to see if my hormone levels are on track.  When I arrived, he said that he wanted to do an ultrasound as well. Okey-dokey.  Up on the table I went. 
The sonogram didn't indicate anything bad, but it didn't show anything good either. There was no indication of an embryonic sac anywhere. It is still early, but he said that he should have seen something. On the plus side, he didn't see anything that could indicate ectopic. They drew my blood, and I have to get another blood draw tomorrow as well, to see what is happening. If my HCG levels are dropping, then obviously I have miscarried (the best case scenario, considering). If they have spiked, or keep rising, we probably have a "problem" pregnancy. Meaning ectopic, I would guess. I hope it is just a miscarriage, and that it will be determined before I have to go back to work on Thursday. I haven't cracked open a bottle of wine, yet.  But it is ready and waiting for when I get those blood test results.
Might I remind you, that as disappointing as it is, I am OK with miscarriage. In my mind, it is the way my body says it was not going to be a healthy baby. I am not torn up, only annoyed, and ready to move on.
I don't know what this means as far as going forward. I have a lot of questions about why I can't seem to hold on to a pregnancy past 5 1/2 weeks. Most of which they probably won't be able to answer. I have large cysts form the last cycle that will need to go down, and healing from the egg retrieval surgery that will need to happen before we do our last IVF cycle in our package. It will, once again, interfere with my work schedule which irritates me. But we will do what we have to do. 

Moving Along

Monday morning, immediately after my blood test, I took off to San Diego for a few days. It was beautiful.  Cloudy and 66, cool, salty, calming. I assumed my blood test results would be positive, so I was happy to get the heck out of the heat.
And they were just that.  My HCG levels increased like they are supposed to. For those that know what I am talking about, my numbers came back as 666, which had me a little worried that I a carrying the spawn of Satan.  Then again, morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet, so maybe not. Every day is a little different as far as symptoms. I will spare you the details, but I have almost all of them.  The most disconcerting is the cramping.  I keep reminding myself it is a good thing, my uterus is expanding and moving to prepare. But a little part of me cringes a little in fear with each one. And I tend to need something to eat on a constant basis. By constant, I mean hourly.  Each time I sit down to eat, I think "Great appetizer.  What's next?" Food only seems to spark more hunger. I'll take it as a good sign. I just wonder how I am going to fit so much eating into my work schedule next week. I suppose that is what passing periods are for.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday.  They will be looking for placement to make sure I don't have another ectopic pregnancy. I will also know at this time if one or both of the embryos implanted. Wow. I'll have another ultrasound the week after that to check for proper growth and heartbeat/s. The doctor said they could then start weening me off of my medication because the placenta would begin to take over. The progesterone oil shots haven't been that bad, but I will certainly be happy when I can just take a prenatal vitamin every day and be done with shots for a while. My friend had to give them to me in CA, which I think was more traumatizing for her then it was for me.
In the meantime, I am avoiding the work that needs to be done before I go back to work next week. And napping.  And eating. I just wish I was still doing that at the beach.

Hurdles

Thursday was my blood test.  I opted to go with a local blood draw business instead of make the 50 mile round trip downtown for a a simple needle stick.  As a result, my doctor's office didn't have the results by the time of close Thursday.  I had already slept poorly Wednesday night because I was so anxious for the test, even though I knew what the result would be.  I wanted numbers.  Counts of the pregnancy hormone to assure me that things were looking good.  So I had another night of awful sleep anticipating the results.  The Dr. opens at 8, and each minute that ticked passed, I got more and more nervous.  I started to really freak myself out. I knew they had the results.  "Why haven't they called? Are they with clients and they won't have time to call until this afternoon? Do they need extra time to talk to me because it is bad?" Blah, blah, blah.  Jon had left that morning for a meeting, and I was terrified that they were going to call when he wasn't home.  What was I going to do if the result was negative and he wasn't here to calm me down? So he walked in the door at 9, I had to go to acupuncture at 9:15.  I was on the verge of vomiting. As I was digging in my purse for my keys, the phone rang.  It was the doctor.  Oh my god.  The doctor.  I didn't want to answer it.  I was terrified.  And then he said what I had known since Saturday.  I am pregnant.  Yahoo!!!!!  My numbers looked good.  So the first hurdle has been cleared.
So what is next?  I have another blood test on Monday, and my hormone levels should elevate in the proper manner.  Once that is verified, I will have an ultrasound the next week to make sure everything is in the right spot.  Then the usual, get through the first trimester, and birth. 
I would love to say I am hesitantly excited, but it is hard not to be full on excited.  This one just feels different.  Good different. But my breath is held, I am not going to lie.  Each major hurdle, I will allow myself to breath a little more freely.

Hope

I had a Mayan massage a few weeks ago and one of the questions on the medical questionairre was "Do you have hope?" What exactly does that mean? Do I hope my IVF cycle works out? Of course I do. That is a stupid question (yes, there are stupid questions, I don't care what people say). But do I obsess about, or live based on hope? Absolutely not. I don't deal in hope (unless we are talking about Obama). I don't get it. It is to unclear. So are words like faith and belief. In what? And what difference would it make? To me, none. Perfectly good words that are too often associate with religion. Ruins it.

It isn't necessary when most of my life can be measured with scientific actualities. In addition, by believing in science, hopes aren't broken when things don't work out. Going through the things we have gone through over the last 7 years (yes, we have been trying that long) has taught me to be practical and realistic about chances and possibilities. Realism is easier than lying to myself about unrealistic expectations. And things either are, or they aren't, it is your reaction that matters. Not saying I don't give myself pep talks and believe in positive thoughts. I do. But I don't kid myself about things that I can't control. And control is a big issue with me. I have had to learn a lot about letting go. It about kills me some days. And there will always be a part of me that ultimately always wants 100% control, I just have to suppress it.

So how do you explain things that you just know? That whole woman's intuition thing? There are things I know. But because they haven't been verified by science results, does that mean they should be measured with hope, or faith, or any of those other ridiculous words that people use to make themselves feel better? I say no. But there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world that need to be recognized. It is the magic of existing that makes every day an adventure and a learning experience. Nature fascinates me.

Each time we have gone through an embryo transfer or fertility treatment, I have known when it has been successful and when it hasn't. If we were going through this naturally, I don't know that I would be so clued in. But each time, it has been clear to me, and then my body starts to prove to me my instincts.

So I know. Have known since Saturday. But you will have to wait until I get a definite yes or no.

Killing time

Thanks for listening to my pity party. It hardly sounded like me writing. Can I blame it on the hormones? I am feeling better. All I do is sleep. Today is the first day I have made it to 1:30 without a nap. In my defense, progesterone is the hormone that causes so much fatigue in the first trimester, and that is also what I am shooting myself up with at night. I wouldn't say all of my sleep is quality. My dreams have been really weird. I blame it on not exercising. So today, I went to the gym with Jon. I am on doctor's orders not to workout right now, not to worry. All I did was some light walking in the treadmill. It just felt good to move. I had my book in hand, so I couldn't go very fast, though it was hard not to kick it up a notch when a fast song came on and both people next to me were running. But I kept it in control. No sweat was lost, no heartbeat was raised, and it was more than I have done in weeks, so I felt pretty good about it. If I don't get up off my ass, I will have a rude awakening when school starts, so I need to get back in the groove. As soon as my workout ban is lifted I will work out again the way I want to.
So what am I doing in the meantime? I have to wait for test results and need to fill my time with something. I no longer have daily dr. appointments and 2x week acupuncture appointments have been scaled back to once a week. All of a sudden, I have all this extra time on my hands. They were like a part time job. I still haven't gotten to the lesson plans I promised myself I would spend 4 hours a day on starting July 1. I have a hat and a skirt to make before I go to San Diego for 3 days. And I am trying to hammer out some knitting guild stuff so I don't have to worry about it when school starts. Overall, I still have things to keep me busy, and those lists get longer with each nap I take. So waiting for test results isn't so bad.

Embryos in

Yesterday was our embryo transfer, and they put in the 2 most viable candidates at that moment. One had reached blastocyst stage (day 5 of development when the embryo has inner and outer cell masses that will be a baby and a placenta). The other was almost there, still safe for transplant because it would (obviously) go through the same process in the body. It went with minor discomfort, and I spent the rest of the day on bed rest, reading and doing nothing important on the computer.
This morning the Emryologist called regarding the remainder of our embryos. Many of the embryos had stalled in their development. They all stalled at about the same stage. Two embryos looked good, and were frozen. That is 2. Two out of 20.
I have to admit, I was a little annoyed, and discouraged. You would think we would have had better odds considering. Twenty is a lot of eggs, and most women don't get that many in this process. Because this one was so physically rough on me, I was hoping for a stronger turnout so we have some back-up in the bank. But, whatever. Ultimately, I hope it doesn't matter, and this will take. We are just thinking about the next pregnancy, and know that 2 frozen embryos probably won't be enough to get a second child, and we will have to go through the financial strain again. I know that I am thinking about things that are so far off. We need to focus on one thing at a time. Lets get through 1 successful pregnancy first. But the mind can't help but wander. If this one doesn't take, we go through the whole harvest process again. And I have apprehensions about that. One IVF cycle was fine, one was rough. So who knows what the next one will be like. What I am tired of us running my life by my fertility schedule. No vacation, no workout, no wine, no sex, no this, no that, blah, blah, blah. It gets old. I know I will make sacrifices when I have kids, and I look forward to that. Its just that sometimes I feel like I am sacrificing so much of myself to get this that I am doing a disservice to me and my husband. If we are going to have to go through another fresh IVF cycle, some things will be different. I am going to make myself crazy trying to live every second by rules other people give me. I know my body well enough to know where I will, and won't be able to push myself. I will just have to be able to look back on this and remind myself - in 2 years, after this baby is born and we are ready for the second.
So now, we wait..........