Friday, June 13, 2014

Life, and love

We went to visit the birth parents again on Tuesday. She was not due for an ultrasound, but she made arrangements to have one. I appreciated that she did that. It isn't something that we would otherwise get to be a part of. We saw and heard the heartbeat, his face, his hands, his genitals. My heart melted.

This whole thing is so surreal. I went back and read a lot of my old posts and just shook my head and even cried. It is interesting how some of them seemed so void of emotion. It was hard to read. I left so much out, yet all of those emotions were right at the surface with each word that I read. It has been such a long road. I was good at relaying the facts. And while I spend a lot of time rationalizing things in order to stay sane, it was never without feelings. So much of my life has been filled with a combination of laughter and tears and I wish I had been better about writing it down. Five pregnancies and 9 years of effort and here we are.

But as I sit here and try to write, I struggle with words to describe what I am feeling. I am already so in love. But the love inside me isn't just for this baby boy. It is for my husband who has been amazing at keeping me steady and standing by my side and being on board every step of the way. It is for my friends and family who have continued to support me with shoulders and wine. It is for the birth parents, who are about to give me something I can never re-pay them for. They are going to continue to be an important part of our lives, and my love for them is unlike any that I will have for anyone else in my life.

I know people say that there is no love like the love you have for your children. I am excited for that. But I wish sometimes that people would give credit to the love that goes to an from everyone else. Because every relationship in my life is filled with love of some kind. And each one is as indescribable as the next. And I am grateful for each and every one.

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