Friday, June 5, 2009


Two is my number as of Wednesday. Pregnancy levels have to be below 5 to count as a negative test. The doctor wants one more round just to be sure. I am refusing. Apparently, this can cause all sorts of problems, my refusing. The biggest being that my fertility doctor will no longer treat me. Bull shit, is what I have to say. On Tuesday, I went to get a massage. I have been having a lot of pain in my right shoulder. Could have something to do with stress, but I'm not so sure (hear strong tone of sarcasm here). They refused to treat me because of the chemo. That is what I get for being honest and opening my big mouth. I needed a doctor's note to be treated. I cried teh whole way home (meltdown number 3). One more thing in my life that this is affecting. Can't do this, can't do that, blah, blah, blah. I am turning into a sour person without stress relief. And it still isn't over. This has been going on for 9 weeks. I was pregnant for 2 1/2. Hardly fair. The doctor is going to find out if I can get one last shot of a strong dose to finish things off instead of an entire round. The problem is that I am unavailable from 8-5 because of classes until July 6th. I have to take so many education credits to renew my certificate in December, and none of these classes are being offered in the fall. So I either die or lose my job. And if I lose my job, I might as well die because I'll never find another one, and wouldn't be able to afford further medical treatment anyway, which could result in death. Vicious cycle.
I ended up getting my massage on Thursday, and though I went for full body, the knot in my shoulder was so bad, that there was only 15 minutes left for the rest of me. Now I am in serious discomfort from what the massuese worked out. I will have to go back, I am sure of it. And my back has started to hurt again. All this sitting around in poor quality chairs is going to be a real problem. I can't take another summer like last year. So I am downing anti-inflammitories like they are candy and trying to figure out ways to manage my stress.
So to make a long bitch session short (too late), I am not done, and don't know what the next step is, or when that will be. But I am guessing that at this rate, I will be 60 before I am allowed to use my frozen embryos, and I can kind of see where octomom was coming from. Seriuosly. I have officially begun to lose my mind.


Cynthia said... sorry, hon.

Miggy said...

Not fair at all.

Sorry Cara. You don't deserve it. No one does really--the good people who all the bad things happen to-- drug lords, child molesters and wife beaters they deserve it...but they never seem to get what they deserve do they?

Definitely be upset and scream and cry. And then let go. Get it out and take your time, but be sure to let it go. {This sounds like advice I could use myself}.

I love you. {I was just remembering a funny story earlier today about your friend Connie who said I chewed my gum like a cheerleader...funny}.

I'll send some prayers up your way. HUGS.

La Gitana Que Viaja said...

Sending good vibes your way...

Lexy said...

Such bullshit. Let me know if you need to vent in person. I can pour a really tall drink for you. And Sookie is great mindless stress release. A big hug :)