Mental note

If you are going to layout in the AZ sun, sunscreen should always be applied BEFORE you put on your bathing suit. Otherwise, when you are on your stomach and undo your bikini straps, when you tie them back on and roll onto your back, the top may not be in the same place where it started and could result in racing stripes on the breasts. And apply it evenly, or you will end up looking like a zebra. Just saying.

A dream night

I firmly believe that everyone needs a hobby. Not having one is what kills you. They help people relax and reflect, and be passionate about something. Everyone know that there are 3 things I love to do - knit, go to the movies, and watch birds. Last night I had a dream opportunity to do all 3. Yes, all 3. I wonder how long my husband will continue to humor me and my quirky forms of entertainment. The local Audubon Society was doing a fundraiser in Scottsdale that consisted of an auctions and a film festival. Yes, 2 films, a double feature. I was in heaven as I sat with my knitting next to my favorite guy and watched away.
The first film was the U.S. debut of an English production called Why Birds Sing (find out more here). It was a documentary of a philosopher who tried to convince scientists that birds sing for the fun of it and to create music. The crowd got really into it, which was neat to be a part of. There were a lot of birds chirping throughout the whole movie, and I was convinced Jon was going to lean over and ask for Tylenol. I thought it was funny, and witty, and all around an interesting concept that changed how I woke up to birds chirping this morning. The second film was a documentary about the life and work of naturalist, and Pulitzer Prize winner E.O. Wilson called Darwin's Natural Heir. It was educational, and inspiring, and I want to read his books on Sociobiology and other studies. He spent most of his life studying ants, yuck. It was interesting to see them present things that I already knew, concepts that have been a part of science teaching, and see the root of the studies. His work has influenced and shaped an entire society. I found it inspiring.
Apparently this was the 7th annual Nature Film Festival put on by the Audubon society. I have not yet joined, but am considering. There were a lot of old people there who bitched up a storm about everything. I just don't know if I can handle that type of environment. Either way, I am excited to see next year's films already. But I am not sure I can convince Jon to go again. Any takers?

Two

Two is my number as of Wednesday. Pregnancy levels have to be below 5 to count as a negative test. The doctor wants one more round just to be sure. I am refusing. Apparently, this can cause all sorts of problems, my refusing. The biggest being that my fertility doctor will no longer treat me. Bull shit, is what I have to say. On Tuesday, I went to get a massage. I have been having a lot of pain in my right shoulder. Could have something to do with stress, but I'm not so sure (hear strong tone of sarcasm here). They refused to treat me because of the chemo. That is what I get for being honest and opening my big mouth. I needed a doctor's note to be treated. I cried teh whole way home (meltdown number 3). One more thing in my life that this is affecting. Can't do this, can't do that, blah, blah, blah. I am turning into a sour person without stress relief. And it still isn't over. This has been going on for 9 weeks. I was pregnant for 2 1/2. Hardly fair. The doctor is going to find out if I can get one last shot of a strong dose to finish things off instead of an entire round. The problem is that I am unavailable from 8-5 because of classes until July 6th. I have to take so many education credits to renew my certificate in December, and none of these classes are being offered in the fall. So I either die or lose my job. And if I lose my job, I might as well die because I'll never find another one, and wouldn't be able to afford further medical treatment anyway, which could result in death. Vicious cycle.
I ended up getting my massage on Thursday, and though I went for full body, the knot in my shoulder was so bad, that there was only 15 minutes left for the rest of me. Now I am in serious discomfort from what the massuese worked out. I will have to go back, I am sure of it. And my back has started to hurt again. All this sitting around in poor quality chairs is going to be a real problem. I can't take another summer like last year. So I am downing anti-inflammitories like they are candy and trying to figure out ways to manage my stress.
So to make a long bitch session short (too late), I am not done, and don't know what the next step is, or when that will be. But I am guessing that at this rate, I will be 60 before I am allowed to use my frozen embryos, and I can kind of see where octomom was coming from. Seriuosly. I have officially begun to lose my mind.

Still going

I would love to write about something other than chemo. But when it seems to run your life, what else is there to write about? I was really hoping to hear from the doctor's office this week and have them tell me that my hormone levels were at zero. But to no avail. I am not sure what to do next. I am in the middle of a round, and my hormone levels will probably be at zero when I have my blood test tomorrow. My doctor wants me to complete one full round at that point. But my schedule won't allow it. I have classes to take. I haven't been allowed to leave town, or do anything else I want for the last 9 weeks, and I am done with it. So I think I am going to make the executive decision to make this round my last round. I may do another 1/2 round next week, that I can do. But if my levels are at zero, I don't think I need the "just in case". I am a healthy individual who has had it. Then I can talk about more exciting things. And that is my plan.
In the meantime, I start school tomorrow as a student, out to complete 15 credits in 5 weeks. I am going to be a busy girl with a lot of studying. But everything I need to renew my teaching certificate will be completed in one full swoop. So when I do eventually get pregnant, I don't have to worry about my teaching certificate that expires in December. All the classes I am taking are Career and Technical Education classes which will be very beneficial to me. Now that I have a little experience under my belt, I can reflect on why things did or did not work for me through my lessons, and plan for an even more successful year. I get to take July off which will be for fun and a mini vacation to Monterey for a wedding. I can't wait for life to go on.

Yea employment!

I found out today that I will be receiving a contract for next year. Yeah for me, sucks for the teachers still waiting. Some of the core curriculum classes may wait as late as mid June. This must mean things are looking up............

By the Numbers

I had a little breakdown at the oncology office yesterday. After an hour drive on an empty stomach, they couldn't get an IV in, and I blew a couple veins in my right hand. Today my hand has taken on an interesting leopard look, except the spots are more green and black and blue, and my skin pasty white. It's pretty hot. I was not looking forward to going back today. So in the waiting room, I sat down and began to think about everything that has gone on in the last 2 months. And I thought I would put together some interesting numbers about my life since February 11th, when everything started.
64: Number of shots I have had (all but 7 I gave to myself, or Jon gave me)
22: number of eggs removed from me
21: Number of blood draws
18: Number of Ultrasounds
16: number of eggs fertilized
13: Days I have missed work
10:Number of IV pokes (and at least 8 more to come, probably 13)
10: Number of Dairy Queen Blizzards I have eaten
8: number of eggs that made it to the blastocyst stage(5 days old)
6: number of fertilized embryos that are frozen, waiting for me
5: Number of knitting projects I have finished on my time off
3: Times I have cried
1: Number of roommates in the hospital who only had 2 months to live

What can't I count?
Times I cuddled with my cat
Number of naps
Moments I thought about my students and whatever poor soul was my substitute teacher
Fat cells that have formed in my body and muscle cells lost
Number of people who have shown me support
Times I have hugged my husband him and told how much I love him

Overall, I think I am pretty lucky. Now if this could just be over soon so I can have:
1: Healthy baby!!

Mini tantrum

I am tired of following doctor's orders. No strenuous activity. What exactly does that mean? Strenuous to whom, exactly? I haven't worked out since March 3rd, and yes I know the date because it was 2 days before my egg retreival when they told me at my pre-op visit that I wasn't supposed to be working out. Opps. But I felt fine, and produced more eggs than the average woman. I was active before all of this, so its not like working out would add extra stress to my body, right? It is used to working out. Well, maybe not so much anymore. I have at least 2 more rounds of treatment left, and more to be determined. Another month without a workout? I worked hard to be strong so I could handle pregnancy well, and now it is all going to pot. When I heal, I will have lost everything I built up and be a weakling through the next one, probably causing more back injuries and various other issues. And no drinking. I was prepared to not drink for 9 months, but since that didn't worked out........... I can't sleep, when I do I have weird dreams, I am not eating well, I can't concentrate, I am tired of sitting around, and all of this is making me super emotional because there is no way to release basic stress. So today I said screw it (and that is the nice way of saying it). I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of weight training, and 30 minutes of all out sweat time on the elliptical machine. It would have been longer but I forgot my inhaler, and I have lost too much strength to have much stamina. I know it has only been an hour and a half since I left the gym, but I am pretty sure I will be able to sleep tonight. And then I can concentrate on brain activities like homework and lesson plans. If I am ok tomorrow, I am doing it again, and will try to figure out how I can at least squeeze in some treadmill time this week between work and chemo treatments. Because this is ridiculous. And if I am feeling really wild, I am going to have a glass of wine. And no one can stop me. So there.