Summerfield Sense

Womens Half Marathon - Nashville

2011-09-24T10:14:00.003-07:00

I like challenges and I like change. You would think I was an uphill kind of girl. Maybe in life, but definitely not while running. Bring on the downhill.

Today I completed my third half marathon at the women's Half Marathon in Nashville, TN with my friend Kim. we have had a lot of fun, which usually happens when I am with Kim. I think I am crazy when I keep signing up for these events. Or really stupid. But maybe only half crazy, because people who do full marathons are straight-up, full blown whackos.

This race was the first one that I had a lot of fun at. My first, P.F. changes was a huge disappointment after 2 11.2 mile events in Big Sur, CA. Very little food and hoopla at the end. It was freezing (literally, below 32 degrees in Phoenix that day) and overall miserable. My second was the Lost Dutchman which was beautiful, but I don't really know why I signed-up for it. I did it alone and had to wait for my medal to arrive by mail because they ran out and I was that slow that I didn't get one at the race. Jon came to cheer me on at the finish line for that one though. Which was a bonus.

Tis event was different. It had over 5000 entrants, all women. I finished (unofficially) in 2:50 which is a personal best, I think...... Kim pushed me hard, and I kind of hate her right now. Her response - "that's ok, you will like me again later." she trained better than I did which is not saying much since I didn't train at all. I would say we ran about half of it. It was empowering to see so many women together for a common cause. And though I have never had someone close to me die from breast cancer, I know people who have and it sucks. Besides, i do have these gigantic boobs that I would like to keep, so I believe in helping find a cure. Our names were on our bib numbers and everyone we passed would cheer us in by name, which was pretty awesome. And the signs and support from the crowd were great. Most inspirational include (feel free to pay attention because I am running this same race again in November at home if you want to come cheer us on):

You are also smart and beautiful.
I don't sweat, I glisten.
This one is for Gramma, we miss her every day.
You will achieve, triumph, dominate, prevail, conquer, and overcome.
Women are my favorite people (from a man, with a big stupid grin).
This isn't sweat, it's liquid awesome.
Your feet hurt because you are kicking ass.
Don't stop, people are watching.
This is the worst parade ever. (may be my favorite)
Puking is awesome (which I did at mile 2.5 and still trying to figure out why. I have never pikes while working out, and that was early in the race!)

All in all a great morning. It is a huge accomplishment and while I wish I had trained better, I am thrilled to have finished it.

Girls rock.

Ugh, really?

2011-08-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

I only worked out once this week. Bummer. Dust storms rolled in most nights, and my allergies were bad enough to think I had a bad cold. On top of a couple other minor health problems this week, I was out. Not the great start I was hoping for. On the plus side, I started school this week.

I really, really like the classes I am taking this semester. Pattern Design II will be fun. I was a little nervous walking into it because PD I was taken at a different community college, and I was lost the whole time. My previous instructor was a little off her rocker and not a very good "teacher." Am I a harsh critic being a teacher myself? Maybe. But if you can't teach, you shouldn't do it, especially introductory classes. My new instructor seems open to helping us with individual questions and concerns about patterns as a whole in order to make us better designers, which is what I believe as well. It is nice to have a similar philosophy, and having someone so knowledgeable be so approachable is a relief as well.

Fashion Illustration is going to be a challenge that I am really looking forward to. I even went to a local Art Supply store and spent a small fortune on art supplies. I feel a little like a wanna-be artist with my drawing board and portfolio case, but hey, they were on the class list. I am terrified for this class. I grew up watching my twin draw with such ease and style that I never even attempted to do it myself. I decided a long time ago that that was his thing. I think I struggled with the idea that I wasn't naturally good at something, and so, like other things that I wasn't a pro at right away, I decided to avoid it completely. But it was always something that I secretly really wished I was good at and was always super jealous of Adam for being able to do it so naturally. My grandmother painted a lot, and I alsp viewed her as an artist even though a lot of her painting talent was credited to Bob Ross. Either way, it was something that they had in common, and that I always felt left out of. My dad drew, and even my other brother wasn't all that bad at basic drawing. Throughout my childhood, I battled with the thought that the gene must have skipped me completely. But the thing is, I never had the guts to find out if that was the truth. Is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks? I hope not. While I know I will never have the type of talent that Adam has, I still want to give it a whirl. I only hope that I will have a couple things that I like enough to show him in the end. I want to make him proud enough to say "Nicely done, sis." While I am highly intimidated by his talent, and feel like I am doing this in his shadow, if I hadn't have seen all of his work over the years, I wouldn't be inspired to try it myself, and I hope I can make him proud in the end. It will be probably be unnaturally hard on myself because of this, yet I am ready to take the plunge. And so is my new take on life.... Here goes.

Inspired to write again

2011-08-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on and it kills me that my blog is always one of the first things to get cut out. But things are a changin' around here, and a friend has recently inspired me to write more often. So much occurred this summer, that I will only wrap up some of it here. I hope to reflect on more if it in the future because it really was an interesting summer.

My summer of projects clearly didn't really happen. I was gone so much that my few days home were just long enough to do laundry, re-pack, hit lunch with a friend or two, and jet off to the next place. Two weeks before I started back to work I took on re-finishing our kitchen cabinets which took far longer than expected but came out looking amazing. We are working on finding back splash that we love, and re-painting in the next month or two (I can't believe we didn't take before pictures). That may be the only project I will have time for in the next few months.

As usual, my consistent ability to over committ has once again taken over my schedule. Work is officially in full swing, and I am excited to see what comes of this school year. I am in the process of applying for a $10,000 grant for iPads for my classroom, my club starts right after Labor Day, and I am once again the after school detention teacher 2 days a week. Tomorrow I am not only a wife and teacher, but also a student. I am going to take 2 classes at the community college (Pattern Design II and Fashion Illustration) as I continue to pursue getting an Associates Degree in Fashion Design. Seems silly to some people to get an Associates after I have already received a Bachelor's, but I am really excited about it. I have about 7 classes left, and as long as they can offer all of them at night, I should have it in about a year and a half. I have also been training for 3 half marathons. Yes, 3. The Women's Half Marathon in September in Nashville, TN, the Women's Half Marathon in Tempe, AZ in November, and the P.F. Chang's Half Marathon in Phoenix, AZ in January. All because I wasn't already busy enough. But health should be in my top 3 priorities, workouts often get passed up because I am lazy. (Yeah, I think I am lazy. I know that when I talk about everything I have going on it doesn't sound that way, but I really am.)

I was supposed to begin training in June for my first half, and just began working out. That one is going to be a struggle. I battled back discomfort all summer, and found little time to work out with the travel schedule (I know, excuses, excuses). Last week started training for the November half, and I started off with a bang on Monday. That was about it. But today I went to the gym and completed my weekly "long" run of 4 miles. I ran 1.66 of it (not all at once) and I refuse to be upset about that. I did it, and getting the miles in is what matters. My goal is to be able to run at least half of the Nashville race in a month. It is a lofty goal, but what I am shooting for none the less. The truth is, I hate running. I would much rather walk fast, but whatever. I now have people here holding me accountable which is a training first for me. There is nothing wrong with pushing myself. And I should lose a few pounds in the process, which is always welcome. Besides my mileage goal, I would love to lose one dress size, and one bra size which should happen with about 7 pounds of fat loss and muscle toning.

I hope to keep blog posts about all sorts of things, but workouts will for sure be part of them. Here goes!

DIY Jewelry Case

2011-06-13T20:10:00.003-07:00

Last summer I spent a lot of time cleaning. And while it was cleansing, I also learned I have a lot of stuff that I have bought for projects that have never been completed. Once school started, everything got put on hold again. Between work and life, what little time I had left got spent on projects for friends and family. Needless to say, I didn't do much for myself this year. After everything that happened at the end of last year (and the beginning of this year), I decided it was time to be extra selfish, and do things for me. My last embryo transfer was in late January, with a negative pregnancy test. I took that was my official "OK" to move on with my life and start living for a change. No more doctors and health experts telling me what to do for a while. I want to do what I want to do.

It started with trapeze, which was meant to be a one 8-week lesson challenge, and I just signed up for my 3rd session (video to come soon. I want to link together all of my performances). The rest of my activities involved friends, and various activities that were simply put off. Just running errands was easier because I didn't have to squeeze them in between doctors appointments.

I really wanted to spend some solid time this summer working on lesson plans for next year. And then I looked at my calendar. I realized that I am going to be gone for 5 weeks of my 10 week vacation. There was no way I was going to get much solid lesson planning completed. So I decided to designate this the summer of projects. For me. Most of them are small enough to be completed in 1-2 days, so they should keep me focused, active, and occupied on days when I am home so I don't drive Jon too nuts.

First up, a jewelry case. Arizona has this crazy thing where there aren't doors in a lot of master bathrooms. So the steam created from the shower goes everywhere. It is enough to keep the bathroom from staying nice and warm when you get out, and to tarnish all silver jewelry in the adjoining closet. I needed something to get the jewelry off of the top of my dresser, and protected from steam. This idea has been brewing for a while. Here's what I did (I need to work on my photography skills, I know. Bear with me):

Step 1) Start with gathering your materials. I bought an 11x16" frame that had the front glass hinged like a door. Other materials I needed included also a piece of uncut matte board, fabric, a box cutter, fabric, fabric rotary cutter, super/tacky glue, hammer, nails, screwdriver, screws, decorative brads, and a ruler.

Step 2) Cut the matte board to the same size as the back of the frame (which I pried off of the back of the frame). Then spray it with glue and place it on top of the fabric. Use the rotary cutter to trim the fabric to the same size as the board.

Step 3) Figure out where you want to hang jewelry. I lightly hammered in nails, and then screwed in some screws to create small holes. I also did this to make sure I liked my placement.

Step 4) I am not much of a scrapbooker, but I was surprised at the scrapbook section of the Michael's. They offered all sorts of things that could be used as hooks (as well as a lot of ideas for future projects). I bought some small jeweled metal flowers and glued them to the top of some of the brads. I don't know that I love the butterfly brads that I bought, but whatever. So......., remove screws, push brads through the holes to the back, and spread the brad legs. Be sure not to push the brad all the way through, you need the gap to hang the jewelery on. I put a little glue on the back to secure them.

Step 5) Sandwich your newly constructed board between the frame, and the backing and nail it back into place. Hang on the wall, and place jewelry in case. Voila!

I still want to add a knob of some kind to the door, and could have placed one more brad in what appears to be an open blank spot, but am pretty happy with it. If I really wanted it to look like a display case, I would only hang a couple things in it. But then it wouldn't be nearly as effective, and I have no plans on purging my jewelry. So there you have it!

What has happened to me?

2011-01-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

Every year I feel like I should write resolutions. For the first week of the year it is all people can talk about. A few years ago I wrote about my stance on goals, and though my opinion of goals hasn't changed, I don't think my ability to set goals has improved. When this school year started, I had a goal to be ahead of the game, and get grading done on time, and plan ahead, and blah, blah blah. Next thing I know, it is December and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown with all the pile-up. Granted, I had a lot of personal stuff going on, but yet another goal that I can't seem to reach, and I crumble in self disappointment.
So come January, and during my sewing marathon, I spent a lot of time thinking about the new year. Not having kids has opened up an entire life that I hadn't quiet expected. So how do I begin sorting through all of that? Start small, I decided. Focus on finishing out the school year and having some sort of regular order to my everyday routine before I get crazy with big plans. My professional goal for the last 3 years has been to plan ahead, as opposed to my habit of planning on a daily basis. It has never happened, so I didn't put a lot of faith in it. Besides, After my last 8 weeks, I didn't really care about much of anything.
And then I bought that Christmas tree. Something happened. I had just done something ahead of schedule. Eleven months ahead, to be exact, and some switch in me was turned on. All of a sudden, I started my semester with grading done daily and lesson plans not only done, but completed 2 weeks in advance, and all my copies made, too. By being ahead, I have been able to plan efficiently, and when I leave work, it stays there. Which gives me time to run errands, and play. I don't know what is happening to me. I am a whole new person. Happy New Year to me.

Finally!

2011-01-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I don't care that the lights don't work. Without lights, this tree is values at about $269, so I still got a screaming deal. I have tons of lights in my garage, so we will just add them ourselves. We are now the proud owners of a 7 1/2' Devonshire Fir. I haven't actually seen it set up, just in the box, so I know the branches are of good quality. The picture makes it look like the branches go to the floor, so we will need to lift it up a little, and may have an 8 foot tree in the end. There will always be a special place in my heart for my 5', $25 ACE hardware tree from Michigan. But I am super excited to set this up next year. Kind of stunk having to just bring it home and stick it in the garage. There were lots of trees for sale. Maybe I could get a bunch of sizes and decorate my home with different pines to cure my Colorado homesickness. Or maybe not. Either way, I have myself a slamming new tree for the holidays next year. Hooray!

What I did........

2011-01-05T18:11:00.001-07:00

Baby gift for a co-worker who I don't know that well, and don't like that much. But she is having a boy. So I made this elephant from the Heather Bailey pattern Effie & Ollie that I enlarged.

I spent my break doing what I wanted to do. I shut off my phone, and only opened my computer to play Farmville (yes, I still play, yes, I am bored with it, and no, I can't seem to stop). I ran errands, but and saw a few movies, but overall, tried not to leave the house. And in the process, I became a gift making machine. I know 6 pregnant ladies. They all need baby gifts. Different relationships require different levels of spoiling, however. And some of these ladies read my blog, so you can't see what I made them until after their showers. But I wanted to get it out of the way so I can spend my little spare time during the school semester working on things around the house. I have a pile of alterations, pillows for the bedroom that have been sitting on my desk for almost 2 years, and various other projects that I want to execute. All these babies keep getting in the way. So I got up early, and holed myself up in my craft room to bust out some gifts. I completed 4 projects for babies (couldn't make all 6 until I find out what gender 2 of them are), and I almost finished a quilt for my in-laws boat, my first queen size, which was a challenge. And made some jewelry with my new metal stamping kit, of course. Can't wait to show you all pictures! Stay tuned.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

(Image from Pet Shop Box Studio)

I don't usually consider the new year started until my birthday. I don't know if this is because it falls close to the new year, and on the first of the month, or because I usually hate actually celebrating New Year's because drunk people in public can be so annoying, or what. But this year, I will take it. 2010 really sucked. So here's to a new year, new beginnings, and new adventures. Bring it on! Happy New Year everyone!

Maybe not.......

2010-12-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe I am not over it. It has been hard over break to have so much time to think, and let's be honest, obsess. I have good days, and I have bad days. I think a lot of this is due to the hormones I am still on. I just want this to all be over. First, I just want to get back to work and have a schedule again. Guess it was sweet dreaming to think I could bounce back so easily. Could this year just end, please?

Stuff

2010-12-27T17:55:00.002-07:00

I didn't want to sound too materialistic on Christmas. But I love "stuff." And this Christmas was filled with great stuff.
I didn't get much that I didn't love. That is the benefit of making a list. I am so excited, that I have to share my favorites with you.

1). I gave Jon an iPad. I don't even have to explain to you how cool it is. We have played a ton of games (including a few of my favorites - Family Feud and Price is Right) and Jon has read a million books already. But I am more geeked about what he gave me - Nikon Monarch Binoculars. Yes Binoculars. For birdwatching, of course. I love them. I am working on making a strap. More to follow.

2.) iPod Shuffle and BOSE headphones- I currently take my iPod Classic with me everywhere I go. I listen to it in the car, in the classroom, play Tetris and Solitare on it, have my calendar and contacts, etc. Jon calls me his little Cyborg. But the one place I hate it, is at the gym. It weighs a ton. And though I feel strong with it strapped to my arm, it becomes a nucence after 30 minutes on the treadmill. What I wouldn't give for a practically weightless Shuffle! And now I have one. It is perfect for my Workout playlist and a little extras. In addition, last year I broke my BOSE headphones that allowed me to rock out without outside noises and distractions. Those were also replaced, so I can really tune out the bad music at the gym. Yes!

3.) Metal Stapming Kit (from Beaducation)- I mentioned it before, and I acted on it. I love my new metal stamping kit. I have made a few necklaces and am working on tons more. It may be a new obsession. If you are a friend, expect gifts. You are all guinea pigs to my masterpieces. I am having so much fun, I asked for more stuff to accompany it for my birthday. Again, more to follow.

And though I know that Christmas is supposed to be about a lot of other things, I equally enjoy the stuff that gets exchanged. Hope you got tons of stuff you enjoy, too!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

Christmas was quiet this year. While I missed my family, I appreciated the time alone with my husband. We opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, and had his parents, and grandparents over for a mid-day Christmas meal. It was calm, quiet company. Jon cooked, I decorated. Because we haven't been home in years, I had forgotten about many of our decorations. I love my alligator salt & pepper shakers from Department 56, and I found this great little pack of gift confetti at Peir 1 Imports. I think my 5 foot tree is a little overloaded with ornaments, and I dream of a bigger tree one day, but it has a lot of memories on it that I wouldn't trade for the world.
It's been a crummy 8 weeks, but I am grateful for my family. Merry Christmas everyone!

Honoring Cindy

2010-12-20T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have this amazing group of women as friends. They all know each other from college, so there is a lot of history there, and they have accepted me with open arms into their lives. There are so many things I love about them individually and as a group. My favorite part is the way they support each other, and never judge. Each of them have gone through similar and different life experiences that enrich their relationships.
One of these people is Cindy. Cindy is amazingly dedicated to volunteer work. She has started 2 non-profit companies, Employee Reach which helps companies set up volunteer opportunities for employees, and Phoenix Volunteers, which gives volunteers a chance to view and sign-up for various non-profit organization events in the valley. Two years ago, Cindy donated her kidney anonymously to save the life a boy, and has been recently been nominated for the Giraffe Heroes Project for sticking her neck out for the greater good.
Last Saturday, on the 2 year anniversary of her kidney removal surgery, the group got together to surprise and honor Cindy for her achievements and influence over the community, and for the Giraffe Heroes nomination. In Cindy style, we spend the evening participating in a service project. We put together snack bags for kids at the Chandler Christian Community Center Operation Santa Event. It was rewarding on a variety of levels. Love and Kudos to Cindy, and everyone who supports her!

Putting together snack bags

Cindy getting crafty (which she thinks she isn't good at, but she did a great job)

Kelly, Veronique, Me, Nicole, Cindy (photo taken by Alexis, who should have had Ben take the picture, and Amy had already left, but she should be in it, too!)

Over it.

2010-12-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

So I think I might be over it. What a relief. It helps to have a good week. School is out for break, and I started it with an after school one hour massage. I decided that this break will be a lot about decompressing. I am ready to start next semester with a fresh attitude, and insist on being rested. My plan is to do a lot of quilting and jewelry making, and gym time. I am making a queen size quilt for my in-laws boat, and I know 6 pregnant people, so there is a lot to be done. Could I do 1 quilt a day? Probably. Focus, focus, focus.
Ultimately, my life is no different than before, except that I will have a lot more time on my hands (calculated summer hours at some sort of doctor's appointment with drive times = part time job. Not kidding). So I am excited about that. There never seems to be enough time. And while I think I am too young for a bucket list, I am amped on the idea that we can actually start doing fun and creative things and I don't have to worry about bruising my ovaries or when my next procedure is. Yes, we are still going to do our last embryo transfer in January. I don't have my hopes up, and have pretty much already closed the book on it, but will do it anyway. In the meantime, I am going to try and dedicate that time to hobbies, the gym, and volunteer work.
I no longer walk around like a zombie, or think endlessly about it. I have been able to concentrate on other things for long stretches of time, even a full day without it entering my brain. Jon and I have started to talk about what is next and have begun planning (or dreaming) of vacations and activities. I am ready for my new adventures to begin, and for this to be over. Knowing that there is only about a month left of it, after 9 years, I think I can handle it.
With many hobby projects on my list, I should stay pretty occupied. Regular trips to the gym will become a better habit without doctors telling me when I can and cannot work out. I am going to spend about 2 or 3 months getting my strength back, and then I think one of my first tasks will be to complete a trapeze class at Trapeze U. And after 7 weeks, you get to put on a show for family and friends. I would expect everyone to come, and fully intend to look great in a sequined and feathered costume. Because I can. And really, out of all your friends, is it a surprise that I want to do this? Probably not.
Any adventures you recommend?

2010-12-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

I would say that things are almost back to normal. I no longer have to tell myself to breathe, and can have regular conversations with people who don't know me. I have survived each day, and I have laughed at some point on each of those days. There are times, however, that I feel a little disconnected, like I am just going through the motions. My heart just isn't fully into everything.
I would say that 90% of me is functioning at full capacity.
Part of me wonders if that 90% will be my new 100%, if there is some of me that I will never get back. I understand and accept that there is a loss and an acceptance that will forever shape who I am. And I wonder where that leaves me now. The questions of my future remain my mystery.
There is some fear in the unknown of tomorrow. I don't want to get set in my ways. Kids were going to help prolong that with their unpredictability. Knowing that I already have quiet a few peculiarities, I can only see my personality getting cookier. And I don't know that that is a good thing. I can get away with believing that my eccentricities are currently a part of my charm, but if they get any worse, I could turn into a real loony toon.
But most importantly, I am looking forwarded to not being jaded and bitter. At this point in time, those emotions are built into sarcasm and humor, which has always been a healthy outlet for me, but sometimes it isn't viewed well by outsiders. People who don't get my sense of humor may not get my casualness and non challant attitude. But that is part of how I deal. That humor will end at some point, and I will move on to being a wiser individual for my experiences.

Healing begins

2010-12-04T18:21:00.001-07:00

Thursday was supposed to be my blood test to get pregnancy results. You can imagine my irritation when the doctors office was closed during my scheduled appointment, and when I made my way back to work and called them, they wanted me to drive down to the downtown office instead. I flat out told them no. So I had to have my test on Friday, and they called an nurse in on her day off to draw my blood and take it downtown. I didn't feel bad for them for forgetting me the day before.
It was no surprise to me when the doctor called Friday with results, and it was negative. Who would have ever thought I would have felt such relief by a negative test. Part of not being able to move on is this feeling of limbo. If it had been positive, then I would have had to just wait to miscarry, and then wait for negative blood tests, and then wait another 30 day before we could start the next process of the frozen embryo transfer. Then March would roll around for the FET, and a miscarriage in April, and this whole thing wouldn't be over until then. Who wants to feel that way for this long? Certainly not me. And I don't feel like moving on can happen until it all ends.
Some people have asked why would even bother with the FET. If you trained for 9 years for a marathon, would you quit at mile 25? No, you probably wouldn't. It only takes one good egg, and we have potentially 2 in the freezer. Worth a shot. At this point, why the hell not?
My ovaries are still healing, so we have to wait a month, but will do the FET in late January, and go from there.
Knowing the end is closer than late April brings some calmness and closure. So I was relieved that the test was negative. I won't have to go through the wait, and the discomfort of the process. And healing can begin. Its a slow process. Wednesday the day passed without tears, Thursday I slept through the night. Little things, but making progress. As hormones leave my system, I will be able to think more rationally about the future, and our life options. But for the last few days, I have been OK. And that is the important part. I am going to be OK.

Why it is hard to move on

2010-12-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

In the past, moving on hasn't been hard for me. The next step was always in site. If something didn't work, you make changes and do it again. How else did the light bulb get invented? This time, there is no do it again. I feel sort of suspended in time, like one of those music videos where the lead singer stands in teh middle of the scene not moving and everything else is in fast motion around me. My iPod doesn't help much. It always seems to know my mood, and hasn't stopped playing music belonging on an independent film soundtrack for the last week.
I've never had to think about "Next". Next was supposed to involve pregnancy and kids. So I don't know what to do with myself. It is a struggle to get through each day right now. The littlest things send me wailing, and when I am not crying, it remains at the surface of my emotions at every moment. When I am asleep, I dream about it. It is constantly on my mind and in my face. My brain is going to take a lot of re-wiring.
People have asked me if we would consider donor eggs. The straight up answer is no. I won't even consider it, regardless of how close they match your physical characteristics. I would rather have a child that is 100% not ours, than one that is 50% ours. I know that once I carried that baby, and raised it, I may not feel that way. But the fact is, I still think every day I would look at that child and wonder what it would look like if it were mine, really mine. Instead, there would be a daily reminder looking back at me that I was/am in some way defective. Survival of the fittest slapping me in the face.
Would adoption work for us? I don't know. It isn't something I ever thought I would have to think about, let alone discuss and research. I am still trying to process everything else that just happened. Let alone start to research adoption. More money to spend, and time.
I guess the big question is have I given up on being a mom? Am I OK with just being a super star aunt and friend who travels the world and lives an eccentric lifestyle? What I am still trying to get over, is that I want to be both.

Another one

2010-11-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

I know a million pregnant people right now. No exaggeration. And I am thrilled for all of them. Gift creation will keep me busy. I wonder what will happen when I no longer have babies to sew for. I will be either be really bored, or move on to the next greatest craft phase. Right now I am contemplating silver jewelry making!).
When I found out yesterday that another dear friend is pregnant, I was overjoyed. I don't want to miss out on a moment of her pregnancy, or her friendship through out it. What she and I are dealing with are completely different, yes, but that doesn't mean we don't both need each other. Only 1 person has ever upset me by her pregnancy, and she will never know who she is. I don't want people to be all sensitive and feel like they are walking on egg shells around me. It is what it is. I'll deal with it. In the end, I still have to wake up every day and live my life. That is what I am trying to do. It will just take time before I quit ending each day wondering if I will have less crying fits tomorrow than I did today. But have you ever known me to not be resilliant, and positive, and future bound (this last week aside)? Not to sound harsh, but I'll get over. You need to, too.

2010-11-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

In the middle of all of this, I did make this little diddy. My new purse, pattern style By Amy Butler, has a zipper pocket divider, and holds almost all of my stuff. The only thing it lacks is space for a book, and next time I would add an extra pocket for my cell phone. The pattern was posted one day on Sew, Mama, Sew! as a promo for her new book. They must have removed it, for I can't find it anymore to add the link. Lucky me, I got it when I did. I have gotten tons of compliments on it, and it makes me smile when I look at it. So all is not completely lost.

I have also managed to get all of my Christmas decorations up, bake bread, cookies (I found a great gluten free flour that means I can bake again), many batches of caramel corn (that keep disappearing), and sleep a lot. Life is almost back to normal. It only took a few days.

A million reasons

2010-11-24T22:15:00.001-07:00

Sunday was bad. I slept for about 4 hours, and got up at 1:30 in the morning to look at egg quality explanations on-line. Monday was tough. I barely ate, I suffered through work. Tuesday was bearable. Taking it day by day. And so far, it is hard. I am struggling with all sorts of emotions. I don't know what to do with all of them. Right now I can't think clearly enough to do more than face them as they come. The hardest part is not knowing when bad thoughts will hit. Driving in the car I heard a Johnny Cash song when he says "singing tends to help the troubled soul" and I lost it. I had someone tell me they thought I suppressed a lot of my emotions. But I think she was just upset that I didn't share all of them with her. She wanted me to get angry, and I feel like I got over being angry years ago when we had to start this adventure. I cry, that is how I work, and I have cried a lot. And know I will cry more.
I don't really understand anger. Anger = negativity, and I don't usually operate in that either. So maybe I am a little surprised by my current fall in attitude. And finally, I am a little angry. All my life I have been taught that I could do anything I wanted to do, and be anything I wanted to be. And I believed that. I have always worked hard for what I wanted and done what I believed in. I trusted my gut and learned lessons. And through all of that, it doesn't matter how hard I have worked, what I have learned, or what I have accomplished. There is only 1 thing I have ever wanted to be and I will never be able to do that. I will never be a mother to my own children. And that pisses me off.
And I am angry that this couldn't be pinpointed after the first round of IVF. Instead, I have struggled through 3 frozen embryo transfers, and 2 more full cycles which include major surgery, and a lot of money, energy, and emotions that could have been spared. This whole processes has taken years off my life. And my eggs, apparently. And it makes me mad that there is no explanation for the decline. We will never know.
I am angry at the people who look at me with sadness, like I am a barren old spinster whose life will never be fulfilled. I got over being angry at people who have no problem getting pregnant, but now, I am angry at the people who struggle like I did and still get pregnant, when I won't be able to. I am angry that I will go through the process of 2 more miscarriages before our embryo journey is over, making 6 pregnancies and no kids. No kids to watch grow, to see develop, and learn from. I'll never see my kids first steps, first day of kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own.
And there are a million more reasons why I am mad. And why I cry. I have survived the last 3 days, but it feels more like I have just moved through time in slow motion, and underwater. I am having a hard time seeing when I will be able to put my boots back on and go back to kicking ass. And that makes me angry, too.

Later this month......

2010-11-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

So most of my family stayed in Denver an extra day for the funeral. I am terribly homesick, so it was hard to leave but Jon and I had to get back, for a variety of reasons. Un-benownst to my family, we had an ultrasound immediately after landing in Phoenix, and embarked on our next IVF round. I wasn't telling them this time. The only people that knew were my boss and a few people helping me with coverage at work. This one was going to be low key, and routine. I would tell people when there was something to tell. Like a 12 week pregnancy, or a miscarriage.
Everything went pretty routinely. Shots were easy this time and I was not as uncomfortable or as sore as I was this summer. I had my egg retrieval last Thursday and they took out 29 eggs. Twenty of those were fertilized, and we just had to wait through incubation. Embryos are always checked after 3 days, and if all is going well, they go back in the incubator for a Day 5 transfer. So after 2 days of basic bed rest, I was eager to be productive Sunday before football started. The list was long, clean house, do laundry, do some experimental gluten free baking, knock out a quilt. I couldn't wait to get back to work on Monday, take Tuesday off again for the transfer, and see what becomes of our last IVF round. I was also interested to see how many extras we get for future attempts. And then my phone rang. It was the doctor's office. We needed to come in right away this morning for the embryo transfer. This has never happened before so after panic came disappointment and shock. As I abandoned my hopes of a productive day, I slipped on my new sock monkey slippers and headed out the door.
Upon arrival, we were escorted into the procedure room to change and as I hopped up on the table, the embryologist and my fertility doctor came into the room to discuss what was happening. The embryologist said he had never seen anything like it. Three of the embryos has to be immediately discarded, no surprise, because of basic fertilization complications (accepting 2 sperm instead of just one). But 12 of them just stopped developing after a day. They had 3 that looked promising, and recommended that all 3 get transferred into me, another first (the usual is 2). There were 2 more that were lagging behind a little and were going to go back into the incubator for possible growth and freezing. We won't know about these until Wednesday, but they don't look great. They said that if there were 4 that looked good, they would have put all 4 in me.
It comes down to this - poor egg quality. This would explain my constant miscarriages. The embryos don't have the strength to continue in development, and results for future attempts (if we tried them) would probably just get worse. The only known factor in egg quality is age, so they were surprised that they watched the decline in someone so young.
All I heard through the translation was "You will probably never have children of your own." So even though they then proceeded to transplant 3 in me, and it only takes one good one (which is possible), I had a really, really, really really bad day.
Before this round I kept saying, "I have this great life that I am not living. Lets do this and find out if we are having kids, or if we aren't, so I can move on." Is it that easy? I thought yes, but I have now realized that that statement is a lot like the death of my grandfather. Easy to say and prepare for, not so easy to accept and deal with. This is something I was prepared to deal with after another miscarriage. I even had a friend lined up to use my frozens as a surrogate if I miscarried from this one. But per the doctor, it isn't my inability to carry a pregnancy. It is that the embryos keep dying. I fully expect a positive pregnancy test, and then fully expect to miscarry a week and a half later, like usual. If that doesn't happen I will be surprised. But it probably will.
I am devastated, heartbroken, etc. I am sure you can only imagine. I am trying to work through a lot of emotions right now, and am in predominately in shock. Though I have 3 in me, and 2 in a freezer, I have pretty much written them off. I don't want to hear anything about thinking positive. I haven't done anything but be just that up to this point, and it hasn't done me any good. And I am sick of it. I have earned the right to be upset, and negative. And that is how I will need to be for a while. So please don't ask, because I don't want to talk about it. I'll let you know if there is anything interesting to say. I know I am supported, and I appreciate that, even if I don't show it. Just let me be cranky for a while. Because this sucks.

Let's just say........

2010-11-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have been too busy to blog, and really enjoying my school year and life right now. And then, this month happened. I have wanted to blog daily. But what do I say? Do you really want to read about what I have been going through? Where is the line between updating and just being a downer. I get frustrated by bogging. I want to use it as a journal, but sometimes am not sure if I really want to put myself out there to vulnerability like that. Yet, when things go wrong, or right, it is the best way to get out the word and express my emotions.
For now, let's just say I've had better months. This will have to come as a series. Some I can talk about now, some I can't. It started with the passing of my grandfather.
There is something magical about grandparents, their history, and their influence. My dad's parents were a huge part of our lives as kids, and they were the most important people in the world to me. My grandmother's passing 9 years ago still upsets me. Ever since then, I get a little pit in my stomach every time I see my parents calling, wondering if this is the second call. I don't have to worry about that anymore. And now, there is a second hole in my heart.
There is so much I feel like I needed to know about them. So many stories and things they and left to teach me. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, so much I have still to learn. And now, I am instead left with their memories, and their words, and what they taught me when they could. It is a stunning blow, and regardless of if you know it is coming, it still doesn't prepare you for the pain. It was hard to see him suffering in the end, and I am glad it is over for him. But that doesn't meas I don't miss him. And everything about them together.

I love the smell books

2010-08-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, books. One of the most comforting things in the world to me is to flip the pages of a paperback in front of my nose and take a deep inhale. Same goes for freshly cut wood (like pencils), and lawn clippings. Aaaahhhhhhh, school must have started.

I love my job. Have I mentioned that? I don't usually last more than 2 1/2 years at a job before I get frustrated. Something tells me this one will stick a lot longer than that. At least I hope so. I still get amped up for the first week of real teaching (lets face it, the first few days is nothing but riles, rules, rules, and where to find the pencil sharpener). So far, my students are great. For the first time, I am excited to teach all of my classes. I didn't used to like my foods class, but I decided to scrap everything I have done in the past, and do whatever I want. Other junior high teachers gave me stuff to start with, and I used it because I thought I should be consistent with other junior highs in the district. But as time went on, I realized, and finally accepted, that there is no state or district standards for my subject. As long as I stay within my subject matter, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want. And I can relate anything to food. I am going to focus on my strengths - health, nutrition, and restaurants, and can things like career exploration and budgeting. No 8th grader I have worked with has any concept of money or what they want to do with in their life, so I figured that is safe to eliminate. I am really excited with the ideas that I have come up with, and can't wait to execute them (the lessons, not the kids).

Plus, it is nice to have something else to think about, and a place to spend my energy. I love coming home hungry and exhausted, and knowing I did something great today. Last night I had a nightmare that I moved back to CO (not the nightmare part) and I never taught again (bingo, right there) because I couldn't find a school that was as great as South Valley. It actually woke me up with a racing heart. It is a huge fear. I am on a dynamic campus. The culture is positive, and energizing. The administration, and 95% of my co-workers are supportive and knowledgeable (there is always those 5% that can suck it). Arriving at work each day poses a new and interesting challenge. And like all dynamic teachers, the kids learn from me as much as I learn from them. I can't imagine a more rewarding job in the whole world. I am a lucky girl, who as had a great week. I am bursting with enthusiasm and energy. You may find it kind of gross, and I don't care. I love it, love it, love it, and wish that no one ever had to work a job that they hate. It certainly isn't worth it.

Race to the Top - Blessing, or Curse?

2010-08-10T21:02:00.002-07:00

Maybe you have heard of Race to the Top. For those of you that don't know, it is funding for states that meet certain criteria for education improvement. States have to apply and go through an approval process to even be considered. Last year, Arizona was eliminated in the first round, not even close to considered. So AZ hired the same person that wrote the application for a winning state, and what do you know? Today, Arizona became one of the Race to the Top states, and will receive $200 million dollars to go towards education, allocated by September 2012- 1 brief year away.

As a teacher, I should be thrilled about this. We are ranked 48th out of 51 states for education, even Puerto Rico ranks above AZ. But I live in AZ. Crazy, AZ. There are studies that show that states with higher taxes allot more money for education, and as a result students have higher test scores, and lead more "successful" lives (slightly subjective, I know, but still accurate). I am living in the state with the lowest taxes in the country, hence the crappy education rating, and people here do nothing but complain about taxes. Last spring there was a special vote to add a temporary 3 year 1 cent sales tax to go to education (which passed), but it went to the public because the AZ government likes to cut education funding, and never raise taxes, and wanted to see what the public thought. They had us vote on it because they have no idea what Arizonans really want. A poll was released at the time that confirmed that our state elected are only in tune with 10% of what the residents want to see happen. Let's not forget that they also spent the last year legalizing no need for a permit to carry a concealed weapon, guns are now allowed in bars, and immigrants (legal or not) trying to live the American Dream and make a good life for their families doing jobs that most American citizens turn their nose ups at are being run out of the state in droves at the opinion and actions of one corrupt Sheriff and a bigoted state Congress. I am having trouble believing that they will allocate the funds appropriately. My biggest fear is that they will use this as an excuse to cut regular state funding from the education budget, and simply supplement with the federal funds. (This same state congress also wanted to cut $10.5 of $11 million dollars from Career and Technical Education because they didn't think it was effective in preparing students for the working world after graduation. As a CTE teacher, I can't even begin to wonder how the hell they they can justify that statement. That conversation only makes my blood boil. But if you ever want to have a civilized discussion about this, you let me know. I am OK with agreeing to disagree. I may not like it, but if someone can explain it to me, I am all ears because, frankly, it is currently the dumbest thing I have ever heard.)

I don't know all of the details of the funding, so maybe I shouldn't be saying anything until I do a little research. But I have list all faith in AZ politics (is it coincidence that the state government is pretty much all Republican?), and hope they don't destroy something that I love and believe in. I always try to see the positive, and do the best I can in any situation. Every day I wake up and giggle in delight that I am a teacher, even in the future. I feel like I blush every time someone asks what I do for a living. I consider it my biggest accomplishment, and I am proud every day to be involved in education. Going into my 3rd year, I am more excited than ever by the possibilities of making learning fun and helping to shape kids into positive contributors to society. And (to toot my own horn) I am good at it because I love it. Tomorrow is another first day of school, and I can't wait to see what the year brings. I can only hope that the buffoons that have been voted into my state congress will make smart decisions regarding this extra funding, and don't do a disservice to the children of our future by cutting regular state funding for education. We are already behind the curve and have a ways to go to catch up and become competitive. These kids will be making decisions when our government representatives are senior citizens and need to be taken care of. Lets make sure teachers get the resources they need to help develop our kids into innovative, creative problem solvers who can read, write, and understand math and science.

And I think my political rant may be over. To be determined. Thank you for your time.

Insomnia

2010-08-08T04:43:00.000-07:00

I am a sleeper. It is what I do. Some people have expressed to me that they think it is necessary, but a waste of time. They feel guilty that they aren't up and using their for more productive things. I, however, have never felt that way, nor do I think I ever will. To me, sleeping is therapy. It is the best way to avoid the world's realities. And if you have ever seen me on a day when I have received less than the minimum 7-9 hours of required shut eye, I am intolerable. Even to myself. Naps require at least 2 hours. I have never been able to arouse myself graceful after only 20 minutes, even though studies say that is all you need. twenty minutes! Hardly worth it. I would have to set an alarm for a nap if that was the case. And if I wake up with that groggy, pain behind the eyes feeling, going back to bed is a must because it doesn't go away all day.

So you can imagine what a shock it is to me that for the last 4 nights, I have barely slept. I have awoken promptly in the 3 o'clock hour only to battle the gut feeling that I will not be returning to slumber anytime soon. Some may say that I do not have insomnia. But let me tell you, 5-6 hours of sleep for me is not nearly enough. I am exhausted, but my body won't cooperate. Yesterday I managed to sleep for a couple hours late morning. When I woke up at noon, I felt incredible, but the day was almost over. And I had a sheet mark on my face that looked like a giant scar. Two hours into running errands, it was still on my face. Yes, 2 hours. My body is out of sync.
It is hard to concentrate on anything when I am this tired. My rate of production has been cut in half, like everything is happening in slow motion. The most baffling part is I don't know what is going on with me. Some say stress, but I think that is crazy. If I am stressed, I sleep to ignore it, which results in a repeating anxiety dream where I am back in the restaurant industry and the only person in the restaurant waiting tables. I always wake up feeling better because I realize that things could be far worse. This has always worked for me.

I had a friend suggest a super hot bath with ginger in it, and then straight to bed. I think she may be right. But I am going to hit some home remedies and turn it into a full spa evening. I think a manicure, and facial will be part of the process. I will drink some Sleepy Time tea and read my newest vampire series to try and settle my brain. I hope that does the trick, or it is long to be a long week.

Serging Ahead

2010-08-06T20:53:00.004-07:00

As I move on from fertility woes to focus on the next school year, my mind is wild with ideas and lesson plans and how to bring more money and quality donations to the classroom. It is no secret that my favorite classes are my Fashion Design/Clothing Construction classes. I love to see the light bulb go on in a child each time they do something as simple as sew their first straight line. So when I saw the possibilities in the latest Sew, Mama, Sew! giveaway, I about fainted! They are giving away this Husqvarna Viking s21 Serger (retail value $1199)! All you have to do is write a blog on why you should win. So here it is:

I fell instantly in love with my very first sewing machine which was a Husqvarna (the Husky Star, as a matter of fact). I still pull it out and work on it because I love it even though it doesn't have any bells and whistles. I did not have the same sort of instant attraction to my serger. My cheap, $100 used, (never taken out of the box) not-so-quality brand serger was used when I took a class at the local community college on how to use it, and then promptly put on the shelf and never used again. Even after service, I can't get it to have a balanced tension, and abandoning it seemed a healthier option then deal with the stress and anxiety of it.

Fast forward a few years, and I started teaching, I was thrilled to see that my classroom had fancier versions of my first love. Could I also love the classroom serger? No, because there is no serger. How on earth do I teach a future generation of fashionistas anything without a serger? It is an integral part of the fashion industry, and telling students to flip up the hem of their T-shirt to see the difference between a serged seam and a zig-zag seam doesn't make a very big impact. And, of course, the school district doesn't have funds for one. Money rarely gets dumped into Junior High Electives. The big money goes to the high schools. So I often have to suck it up and make do. But "make do" doesn't sit well with me, and I try to tackle all sorts of outside resources for quality stuff to teach and bring creative learning processes to the kids.

That is where this giveaway comes in. I think this serger would be the perfect compliment to my classroom's existing 25 Husqvarna machines. If I won this serger, I would take it straight to work, and allow the students to use it, and learn from it. It would be nice to have a brand the kids are already familiar with to aid in the learning curve. I already have the perfect place for it. It is also a stellar (yes, I said stellar) machine. And it would not be that terrible of a burden for me to take it home in the summers to make sure it stays in good running condition. It is a machine meant for sharing after all. Even if it is with the teacher. And I would have to keep my skills up to be a better teacher. I can't imagine a better recipient than the youth of America. Corrupting junior high students one pair of pajama pants at a time.

Sigh

2010-08-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's official. Miscarriage. Best of the worst case scenarios, I suppose. I have had people ask me, "Are you really OK?" Yeah, why not? Moping and getting all worked up doesn't change any thing. Honestly, I spend more time being annoyed and irritated than upset. When I think of all the things I could have been doing this summer, that bothers me. But that was the choice I made, so I live with it. Knowing is far better than the day to day confusion of "What the hell is happening?" So we move on. I have to have a blood test every week until I get 2 consecutive negative tests, then wait 30 days, and then we can go again. For the time being, no more shots, and plenty of liquor. Juvenile, maybe. Therapeutic, absolutely. Where I went wrong was allowing myself to get excited and really believing this one was different. Next time, I am not going to read into my gut.
The last couple weeks have been highly unproductive. The last few days especially. Focusing has taken great strength, and has not come easy. Work starts in 2 days, and now I will be able to concentrate on something else. I don't know if it was a better situation or not to have this experience in the summer. Obviously, the outcome didn't matter. And it was tough to not have other things to focus on. It pushed me out of my comfort zine, that is for sure. I think I liked the process better when I had other things to do. And while I am still figuring out the delicate balance between being busy and overextending myself, I think it is unhealthy for my personality to try and have no other stress in my life. I sort of live off of stress. Otherwise obsession kicks in. I stayed relatively calm through this whole thing, but inside, I know my mind was in a million directions. I was never forced to think of anything else, and I think my stress levels were elevated because of it. As we continue, I think there is a little more stress each time. I don't believe it is possible to be completely stress free. But I think there are different ways to manage it for each person. Though it is tough to figure in all of the appointments during the school year, I think that is the way to go for me. And I am going to try to remain optimistic as we continue to keep our eye on the prize.

Hello Heartache, how I have missed you.

2010-08-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, here we go again. I have felt great, and should have known that that wouldn't last long. I started spotting Thursday night. Nothing crazy, but that is always how it starts, and always a few days before my scheduled ultrasound. It has continued, on and off the last few days. And slowly, some of my other symptoms have begun to lessen and/or diminish. I called the doctor each day just to report in. They decided that I needed a blood draw this morning to see if my hormone levels are on track. When I arrived, he said that he wanted to do an ultrasound as well. Okey-dokey. Up on the table I went.
The sonogram didn't indicate anything bad, but it didn't show anything good either. There was no indication of an embryonic sac anywhere. It is still early, but he said that he should have seen something. On the plus side, he didn't see anything that could indicate ectopic. They drew my blood, and I have to get another blood draw tomorrow as well, to see what is happening. If my HCG levels are dropping, then obviously I have miscarried (the best case scenario, considering). If they have spiked, or keep rising, we probably have a "problem" pregnancy. Meaning ectopic, I would guess. I hope it is just a miscarriage, and that it will be determined before I have to go back to work on Thursday. I haven't cracked open a bottle of wine, yet. But it is ready and waiting for when I get those blood test results.
Might I remind you, that as disappointing as it is, I am OK with miscarriage. In my mind, it is the way my body says it was not going to be a healthy baby. I am not torn up, only annoyed, and ready to move on.
I don't know what this means as far as going forward. I have a lot of questions about why I can't seem to hold on to a pregnancy past 5 1/2 weeks. Most of which they probably won't be able to answer. I have large cysts form the last cycle that will need to go down, and healing from the egg retrieval surgery that will need to happen before we do our last IVF cycle in our package. It will, once again, interfere with my work schedule which irritates me. But we will do what we have to do.

Moving Along

2010-07-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

Monday morning, immediately after my blood test, I took off to San Diego for a few days. It was beautiful. Cloudy and 66, cool, salty, calming. I assumed my blood test results would be positive, so I was happy to get the heck out of the heat.
And they were just that. My HCG levels increased like they are supposed to. For those that know what I am talking about, my numbers came back as 666, which had me a little worried that I a carrying the spawn of Satan. Then again, morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet, so maybe not. Every day is a little different as far as symptoms. I will spare you the details, but I have almost all of them. The most disconcerting is the cramping. I keep reminding myself it is a good thing, my uterus is expanding and moving to prepare. But a little part of me cringes a little in fear with each one. And I tend to need something to eat on a constant basis. By constant, I mean hourly. Each time I sit down to eat, I think "Great appetizer. What's next?" Food only seems to spark more hunger. I'll take it as a good sign. I just wonder how I am going to fit so much eating into my work schedule next week. I suppose that is what passing periods are for.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. They will be looking for placement to make sure I don't have another ectopic pregnancy. I will also know at this time if one or both of the embryos implanted. Wow. I'll have another ultrasound the week after that to check for proper growth and heartbeat/s. The doctor said they could then start weening me off of my medication because the placenta would begin to take over. The progesterone oil shots haven't been that bad, but I will certainly be happy when I can just take a prenatal vitamin every day and be done with shots for a while. My friend had to give them to me in CA, which I think was more traumatizing for her then it was for me.
In the meantime, I am avoiding the work that needs to be done before I go back to work next week. And napping. And eating. I just wish I was still doing that at the beach.

Hurdles

2010-07-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

Thursday was my blood test. I opted to go with a local blood draw business instead of make the 50 mile round trip downtown for a a simple needle stick. As a result, my doctor's office didn't have the results by the time of close Thursday. I had already slept poorly Wednesday night because I was so anxious for the test, even though I knew what the result would be. I wanted numbers. Counts of the pregnancy hormone to assure me that things were looking good. So I had another night of awful sleep anticipating the results. The Dr. opens at 8, and each minute that ticked passed, I got more and more nervous. I started to really freak myself out. I knew they had the results. "Why haven't they called? Are they with clients and they won't have time to call until this afternoon? Do they need extra time to talk to me because it is bad?" Blah, blah, blah. Jon had left that morning for a meeting, and I was terrified that they were going to call when he wasn't home. What was I going to do if the result was negative and he wasn't here to calm me down? So he walked in the door at 9, I had to go to acupuncture at 9:15. I was on the verge of vomiting. As I was digging in my purse for my keys, the phone rang. It was the doctor. Oh my god. The doctor. I didn't want to answer it. I was terrified. And then he said what I had known since Saturday. I am pregnant. Yahoo!!!!! My numbers looked good. So the first hurdle has been cleared.
So what is next? I have another blood test on Monday, and my hormone levels should elevate in the proper manner. Once that is verified, I will have an ultrasound the next week to make sure everything is in the right spot. Then the usual, get through the first trimester, and birth.
I would love to say I am hesitantly excited, but it is hard not to be full on excited. This one just feels different. Good different. But my breath is held, I am not going to lie. Each major hurdle, I will allow myself to breath a little more freely.

Hope

2010-07-20T08:46:00.004-07:00

I had a Mayan massage a few weeks ago and one of the questions on the medical questionairre was "Do you have hope?" What exactly does that mean? Do I hope my IVF cycle works out? Of course I do. That is a stupid question (yes, there are stupid questions, I don't care what people say). But do I obsess about, or live based on hope? Absolutely not. I don't deal in hope (unless we are talking about Obama). I don't get it. It is to unclear. So are words like faith and belief. In what? And what difference would it make? To me, none. Perfectly good words that are too often associate with religion. Ruins it.

It isn't necessary when most of my life can be measured with scientific actualities. In addition, by believing in science, hopes aren't broken when things don't work out. Going through the things we have gone through over the last 7 years (yes, we have been trying that long) has taught me to be practical and realistic about chances and possibilities. Realism is easier than lying to myself about unrealistic expectations. And things either are, or they aren't, it is your reaction that matters. Not saying I don't give myself pep talks and believe in positive thoughts. I do. But I don't kid myself about things that I can't control. And control is a big issue with me. I have had to learn a lot about letting go. It about kills me some days. And there will always be a part of me that ultimately always wants 100% control, I just have to suppress it.

So how do you explain things that you just know? That whole woman's intuition thing? There are things I know. But because they haven't been verified by science results, does that mean they should be measured with hope, or faith, or any of those other ridiculous words that people use to make themselves feel better? I say no. But there are a lot of unexplainable things in the world that need to be recognized. It is the magic of existing that makes every day an adventure and a learning experience. Nature fascinates me.

Each time we have gone through an embryo transfer or fertility treatment, I have known when it has been successful and when it hasn't. If we were going through this naturally, I don't know that I would be so clued in. But each time, it has been clear to me, and then my body starts to prove to me my instincts.

So I know. Have known since Saturday. But you will have to wait until I get a definite yes or no.

Killing time

2010-07-17T13:15:00.004-07:00

Thanks for listening to my pity party. It hardly sounded like me writing. Can I blame it on the hormones? I am feeling better. All I do is sleep. Today is the first day I have made it to 1:30 without a nap. In my defense, progesterone is the hormone that causes so much fatigue in the first trimester, and that is also what I am shooting myself up with at night. I wouldn't say all of my sleep is quality. My dreams have been really weird. I blame it on not exercising. So today, I went to the gym with Jon. I am on doctor's orders not to workout right now, not to worry. All I did was some light walking in the treadmill. It just felt good to move. I had my book in hand, so I couldn't go very fast, though it was hard not to kick it up a notch when a fast song came on and both people next to me were running. But I kept it in control. No sweat was lost, no heartbeat was raised, and it was more than I have done in weeks, so I felt pretty good about it. If I don't get up off my ass, I will have a rude awakening when school starts, so I need to get back in the groove. As soon as my workout ban is lifted I will work out again the way I want to.
So what am I doing in the meantime? I have to wait for test results and need to fill my time with something. I no longer have daily dr. appointments and 2x week acupuncture appointments have been scaled back to once a week. All of a sudden, I have all this extra time on my hands. They were like a part time job. I still haven't gotten to the lesson plans I promised myself I would spend 4 hours a day on starting July 1. I have a hat and a skirt to make before I go to San Diego for 3 days. And I am trying to hammer out some knitting guild stuff so I don't have to worry about it when school starts. Overall, I still have things to keep me busy, and those lists get longer with each nap I take. So waiting for test results isn't so bad.

Embryos in

2010-07-14T10:45:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was our embryo transfer, and they put in the 2 most viable candidates at that moment. One had reached blastocyst stage (day 5 of development when the embryo has inner and outer cell masses that will be a baby and a placenta). The other was almost there, still safe for transplant because it would (obviously) go through the same process in the body. It went with minor discomfort, and I spent the rest of the day on bed rest, reading and doing nothing important on the computer.
This morning the Emryologist called regarding the remainder of our embryos. Many of the embryos had stalled in their development. They all stalled at about the same stage. Two embryos looked good, and were frozen. That is 2. Two out of 20.
I have to admit, I was a little annoyed, and discouraged. You would think we would have had better odds considering. Twenty is a lot of eggs, and most women don't get that many in this process. Because this one was so physically rough on me, I was hoping for a stronger turnout so we have some back-up in the bank. But, whatever. Ultimately, I hope it doesn't matter, and this will take. We are just thinking about the next pregnancy, and know that 2 frozen embryos probably won't be enough to get a second child, and we will have to go through the financial strain again. I know that I am thinking about things that are so far off. We need to focus on one thing at a time. Lets get through 1 successful pregnancy first. But the mind can't help but wander. If this one doesn't take, we go through the whole harvest process again. And I have apprehensions about that. One IVF cycle was fine, one was rough. So who knows what the next one will be like. What I am tired of us running my life by my fertility schedule. No vacation, no workout, no wine, no sex, no this, no that, blah, blah, blah. It gets old. I know I will make sacrifices when I have kids, and I look forward to that. Its just that sometimes I feel like I am sacrificing so much of myself to get this that I am doing a disservice to me and my husband. If we are going to have to go through another fresh IVF cycle, some things will be different. I am going to make myself crazy trying to live every second by rules other people give me. I know my body well enough to know where I will, and won't be able to push myself. I will just have to be able to look back on this and remind myself - in 2 years, after this baby is born and we are ready for the second.
So now, we wait..........

On the mend

2010-07-11T08:20:00.002-07:00

Just a quick update. Friday night was another rough night. I began the night upright, again. As the night went on, and I woke up often, I readjusted, and at about 3:30 am I managed to be in a flat position on my side. It was awful. And if I wanted to flip over, I still had to sit up and turn myself. So I didn't get much sleep. The gas was still so bad that I looked 4 months pregnant. The stretching of my stomach about killed me. But Saturday was better. I managed to get a little done around the house (light duty, of course) and even made an appearance at a party last night. Unfortunately, we had to leave by 8 to go home and administer shots. This will run our schedule for a while. They said the shots will continue for the first trimester. Keep that in mind if you invite us to any parties. They go in my back, so Jon has to do it. And it is quite a process with multiple needles, heating pads, markers, etc. It still hurts to touch my stomach, which makes me a little nervous. The doctor does a belly ultrasound (with a full bladder, mind you) during the embryo transfer to guide all of the equipment and what not. It can be very uncomfortable in a normal scenario, so I am hoping it will be less painful by then. My poor cat is feeling awfully rejected since he can't climb up on me. I have to go to a birthday party today with little kids and am nervous about them wanting to touch me (I have been known to encourage climbing in the past). But I will just have to sit down and take it easy.
the embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday. We will know then how many will be frozen as well (not all will live 5 days in the incubators).
Thanks for all the well wishes. I am getting there.

Fertilized

2010-07-09T13:51:00.002-07:00

Last night was rough. I had some pain yesterday in the late afternoon and had to call the doctor. After walking me through some self tests, he concluded that sometimes when people are in pain, they swallow air. That air gets trapped in the body and can cause great discomfort. Yeah, no kidding. I could barely breathe. So Jon ran to the store for some Gas-X and I was told to sit up. Lying down was painful anyway, so I was somewhat relieved until bedtime. Lots of belching, which hurt to push out but temporarily relieved some of the discomfort. Per doctors advice, I slept propped upright. I was surrounded by pillows, and looked quiet ridiculous. I was worried about neck cramps, and getting any sleep at all. But my horseshoe shaped travel pillow was the perfect cradle for my head, and I managed to get some rest. I still woke up every 2 hours to pee (with my ovaries so swollen, they are fighting for space, making my bladder unable to handle large quantities of liquid) and re-adjust. I have dozed a little on and off today as well. We also started the Progesterone shots last night, which are oil based (so thick, and hard) and Jon has to give them to me because they go into my hip in my back. The needle is huge, and I am glad I don't have to do it to myself. This will continue through the first trimester. I am still quite uncomfortable, and still struggling with bloating and gas. The doctor says it will get worse before it gets better. I am hoping the worst was yesterday afternoon. I feel better, just not great. We have a couple parties this weekend, and I am hoping to be well enough to at least make an appearance.
I did manage to leave the house for a pedicure. A girl has her priorities, and was feeling wild so I went for a glittery blue- first time ever for that. I quiet like it. But was exhausted upon arriving home. Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang, and my mood perked right back up with a flower delivery (thanks Mom & Dad!).
The doctor called this afternoon, and 20 eggs were fertilized and popped into the incubator. That is an outstanding number. My embryo transfer is scheduled for Tuesday, when they are 5 days old. They will put 2 in me, and the remaining embryos that live that long will be frozen. I pretty much plan on bed rest, and will allow myself to be up again on Friday. I have books to read, and my computer can come to bed with me.

33

2010-07-08T16:01:00.003-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while, clearly. After such a hiatus, its hard to know where to begin. The last spring was so busy, that it is a blur. Then summer started, and I was a cleaning, baby gift making, project completing machine for the first few weeks. Nothing interesting or worth blogging about. Just productive in many ways.
All of this "getting things done" led to the second half of my summer. We are doing Invitro Fertilization (IVF), again. We had 2 embryo transfers this spring, both were negative. So without anymore frozen in the bank, we were set to go through a fresh cycle again. I predicted this round would be different than the last for a variety of reasons. 1) I am not working. So if I want to stay in bed all day, I can. This greatly reduces my stress level. Even though I don't feel really intese during the school year because I love my job, it obviously takes a toll mentally, and physically as I create lesson plans and chase after children all day. 2) My diet is different. I have mentioned going gluten free before, and what a difference it made in my physical well being. I should mention now that I am not so much gluten free, as wheat free. That was my allergy, and eliminating all gluten can be tedious, so I decided to stick to wheat only. And peanuts. And melon. And oats. And blue cheese. And all the other foods that I am allergic to, and never liked anyway. 3) I kicked up the acupuncture to 2x a week. That should help stimulate my ovaries, and balance my body.
This IVF cycle has been rough on me, I am not going to lie. Last time, I felt great. I worked out up until the day before my embryo transfer, shots went well, etc. This time, I have been uncomfortable for a week, and cried almost every time I had a shot. Jon had to help give them to me and I bruised after almost every one. It looks like someone has been punching me in the ovaries, and it feels like that every time I go over a speed bump, or hit the curb in our driveway.
This morning I had my egg retrieval surgery. I am in a lot of pain, and had some trouble coming out of anesthesia. Throwing up uses too many muscles near my ovaries, so that didn't help. But they took out 33 eggs. Yes, 33. I was a little egg factory, so it is no wonder I was uncomfortable. We won't know until tomorrow how many were fertilized because they go through a process of cleaning the eggs before they introduce them to the sperm. Did you know that a mature human egg is about the same size a typed period (.)? One day at a time, and the hard part is over.
I mentioned earlier this year, when I turned 33, that I felt really great about this year, felt lucky. Thirty-three is my favorite number. Should I find it a coincidence that today I had 33 eggs removed? I think it is a sign. Keep your fingers crossed, I'll keep you updated through the blog.

Fabric, fabric, fabric

2010-02-15T19:52:00.004-07:00

This last Saturday, I had an opportunity to meet Heather Bailey (which is weird to say because my sister-in-law is also named Heather Bailey), who is one of my favorite fabric designers. Her lines are very bright and hip, and her patterns are whimsical and fun. She lives here in Gilbert (her kids even go to one of our rival high schools), and I was sort of awestruck. I had to have my friend Amy along to keep me in check so I didn't appear like a stalker and stare too much. But she had some great samples of her work, and I bought a couple patterns. I ended up spending some time this weekend with the new patterns and making some Henrietta turtles and some Ollie elephants. It is as close as I get to a local celebrity and it was fun. I of course bought some more fabric, and am itching to start a new project. Because, you know, I have so much spare time.

Mary Poppins review

2010-02-12T20:26:00.002-07:00

So, I saw Mary Poppins tonight at Gammage. I can't even tell you how excited I was for this. Mary Poppins is one of my all time most favorite movies, and I especially love the soundtrack. My mom had it on a record and I listened to it over and over as a kid. We had the movie on VHS, which was watched a lot, and if you know me at all, you know I watched it over and over and over and over and over. Eventually we recorded the soundtrack on to an audio tape (with Annie on the other side, another favorite) that I continued to listen to until it melted in my car when we moved to Arizona.
Mom, if you haven't seen it yet, you may want to skip my review. And if you aren't as familiar with the movie, you may not care, but I am so disturbed that I needed to get it down in writing. I'll start with the high points. The cast were amazingly like the characters in the movie. I thought Katie Nanna had been beamed through time and placed on stage. their voices were top notch when they did sing, and the dancing was very well coordinated. "Step in Time" was brilliant in the dance coordination, and they all had on tap shoes, which added to the effect. They had almost the entire cast in unison with the sweeps and everything. I was thrilled that it was done well. But the rest of it pretty much sucked. They kept some characters, but not their odd charm and personality. For instance, Mr. Banks talks to the Admiral in the street, but never did they address the fact that he sets off a cannon every day at noon and the whole house shakes and everyone has to scramble to keep the breakables from falling off teh walls. Scenes were out of order, and some just plain omitted. Bert's bipolar uncle was no where in the story, which also means that one of my favorite songs was gone too - "I Love to Laugh." The scene in the park when Bert dances with penguins was creepily done with statues instead of penguins. The words to Supercalifragileisticksxpialidocious were changed, and the scene where they sang it was new. As a purest, I can't believe they changed the song that is most known and associated with the movie. I was appalled. I hate the song "Feed the Birds" and they did a reprise of it 3 times. Really? I find it hard to believe that of the 18 original songs from the movie that the stage writers could only find ways to include and adapt 6 of them. The movie is only 140 minutes long, you could easily have used the exact same script. They also took time to write new songs, and turn them into main focus pieces of the entire production. Mary Poppins was not "Practically Perfect" as she is in the movie, but came off as goofy and silly as opposed to composed and wise. Mrs Banks came off as pathetic and insecure, which was obviously planned and so leaving out "Sister Suffregette" only took away from her strength. "Let's Go Fly a Kite" was sang with Bert & Michael instead of Mr. Banks, which took away from the whole meaning behind the song.
Was I glad I went? Yes. Would I see it again? No. I guess I should have known better. I assumed that since Annie and Chicago were both well done on the stage and in the movies, I thought this would be the same. I have always wanted to see the Lion King, and I think the movie is ho-hum, so maybe I won't be disappointed. On a positive note, when I got home, I immediately downloaded the soundtrack from the 1964 Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke movie from iTunes onto my iPod. I am happy once again.

Gluetin Free

2010-02-07T09:36:00.003-07:00

It has been 1 month since my cleanse, and my decision to be gluten free. I found out a few years ago that I had some mild food allergies. These allergies didn't seem to affect me much, so I ignored them. But after some experimentation, I realized what an impact it made on my life. So no more wheat, or peanuts (and other things that I never really liked anyway like melon, oats, and cheese mold). The great thing is that corn, potatoes, and rice are still on the list of foods I can eat, so I am not completely out of starch. I sometimes miss crackers, pizza, and cake, but have found good gluten free substitutes. It is easier than I thought it would be. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss beer. There is supposedly a gluten free beer out there, but I have yet to try it. I am amazed at how much better I feel. I can think more clearly, have lost 7 pounds (the goal is 15), am not as tired, and have a great energy level. I really hope my body can concentrate on sustaining a pregnancy as opposed to fighting allergies all the time. I think there is a direct link, and hope this helps.
I also am appreciating my new energy level because of my schedule. I practically need to schedule time to pee I am so busy. But I am really enjoying my 2 classes, even though they go pretty late at night, and have had a successful semester so far with my new kids. I don't have things down pat yet, but am not scrambling at the last minute as much to put together a lesson. I had a wonderful birthday weekend in Las Vegas with my parents. We had great food, and I saw Bette Midler, and Love. It was awesome. I love that town.
I am exhausted, but love the feeling of learning, and living. They say everyone should eat vegetarian 2 days a week. I feel the same about gluten for those that aren't allergic to wheat. Give it a whirl!

First Day Jitters

2010-01-18T21:04:00.002-07:00

I decided this weekend that I wasn't busy enough and signed up for 2 classes at the local community colleges. I am terrified for tomorrow. I can't for the life of me figure out what has me so worked up. College was horrendous the first time around. I hated it. I did what I had to do, dropped out often, and forced myself to finish in 6 very long years. Hooray for me. I am now a much wiser woman with a career that I love, going to get some extra knowledge for both work and play. Why the stress? I think it all has to do with time management. Can I get it all done? You should see my schedule. If I want to do everything I want to, I will have to pencil in time to pee for the next 5 months. Maybe I am crazy. But I always work better with a schedule, and I have slotted my Monday-Friday out rather well, in my opinion, and saving the weekend for whatever the week may bring. Probably a lot of sleep since class is on Tuesday and Thursday nights, downtown, until 10 pm. I don't know when I will have time to snuggle with Jon or the cat. But I will be learning, which is one of my favorite things to do. And I will be able to take some of those things and apply them to work. It will inspire me professionally, and personally. I keep thinking about that Etsy shop...... I took quite a few classes this summer, and not only really enjoyed them, but also felt I had a better grasp on work with the knowledge I gained. It has helped me feel more solid about this school year, and I feel like my routine has improved, and I am utilizing my resources more efficiently. I am excited to see what classes will be offered this summer as well. I don't need an Associates degree, but if that is what happens with a class here and a class there, so be it. I may get a couple certificates in the process for the resume. Just in case I need it. If I had more spare time, I would take more classes. I just wish I didn't feel like I was going to throw up.
What am I taking, you ask? A basic Fashion Design class, and Pattern Design I so I can maybe make my own dresses. I really wanted to take Fashion Illustration and Sewing with Knits, but couldn't get in. Too late. But I will keep my eye out for this summer, as well as Pattern Design II and various other enticing credits!

Ahhh.... Sweet vino

2009-12-09T18:25:00.002-07:00

Yup, that is right. I have a large glass of red wine in my hand. On this brisk chilly winter day, nothing warms you up like a nice glass full of tannins. WHat?! You can't drink when you are pregnant. Exactly.
I had a blood test this morning, and my numbers dropped to 216, which is a lot in just a couple days. This is good, it means the pregnancy hormones should leave my body quickly. We will get back on track after I have 2 negative pregnancy tests one week apart apiece, and a "natural" period. (Which I don't typically have so we will see how that plays out).
In the meantime, I can get serious about losing those 10 pounds I wanted to lose before I got pregnant. And I am due for another laser hair removal treatment, which also can't happen if I am knocked up. My list of things to do is quickly filling up before the next round. Nothing but time on my hands.
I am quite relieved that the situation is ending this way. I would much rather a miscarriage happen naturally, and organically than have to terminate another pregnancy with months of chemicals (I do enough of that trying to get pregnant). To me, this is the way to go. I will be all the wiser to more potential road blocks in the next round. I also think there was also another great lesson that may have finally sunk in (after years of receiving this lesson), and that is how to keep my mouth shut. I will let you all know in the future once I have had an ultrasound and have a solid confirmation that things look positive. I realize that until a baby is born, and healthy, there is no right time, or safe time to announce anything. But in the future, I may wait until at least 8 weeks to say anything. It won't be anything personal. I just get tired of repeating myself.
So there you go. I gotta run, my glass is empty! :)

More baby blues

2009-12-08T19:30:00.001-07:00

Sorry, this is a long one. Bear with me.
So I might as well just say it. I am pregnant. And like the times before, there always seems to be some sort of complication that makes this difficult. When we started this round, it seemed so smooth. I was only going to have to take 1 day off because all of the appointments fell on days I already had off. I didn’t have to ingest many medications, and we had frozen embryos just waiting for us. I started on the pill, and 3 weeks later, stopped. My period didn’t start, and my transfer date almost had to be re-scheduled. But after blood work and an ultrasound, all indicated that I had not ovulated (which was the main concern) so they decided to go ahead.
The day off of my transfer was pretty low key. Jon took me out to breakfast, and I laid down like I was supposed to. Then goes the waiting game.
My first blood test was the day before Thanksgiving. The test came back positive, but the hormone levels that they count in the blood stream were really, really, low (a count of 5 is positive, they like to see somewhere around 100. I was a 6). I had a major meltdown that night an negativity finally hit me. I finally began to wonder if this was ever going to happen. I was not looking forward to being social at Thanksgiving, and i wanted to stay in my black hole and feel bad for myself. I deserved it. Forty Eight hours later I had another test. While still low (11), the numbers had doubled, which is what they were looking for. I told myself not to get excited, wait until the ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. The following Saturday I had another blood test to check that my levels were rising. The nurse called that afternoon with the count - 629. I was officially preggos, and my ultrasound was scheduled for Tuesday. I got excited. This is where I may have gone wrong. I called to tell the family, and basically, felt it could be public knowledge. The question remained, “How many are in there?”
Monday afternoon, during my lunch break from jury duty, the doctor called to discuss the ultrasound that would have to be rescheduled because of my jury duty. But that wasn’t all she called about. She said the doctor was concerned with my jump in numbers and was afraid it could be another ectopic pregnancy. She wanted me to see the fetal radiologist in the morning instead of going in to see them. Crap. Not again. What are the chances? It isn’t so much losing a pregnancy, it is the threat of 3 more months of chemo that freaks me out.
I made the call to Jon, and could hear the disappointment in his voice. We talked a little, I kept my cool. No need to completely freak out yet. And then I called my mom, and was hysterical. Then I had to tell the judge, on record, in front of both councils what was happening and let them know that I may not be there tomorrow. Crying, like an idiot. The judge told me to come sit in the witness chair, there were Kleenex there. Weird perspective.
Anyway, all I could think of was how to patent some sort of super glue for the uterus. I dashed off after court to a holiday party for the Knitting Guild and was trying to enjoy myself (under normal circumstances, I would say it was quite the shin dig, but you can understand that in my distracted state, I will probably not look back fondly). I ran to the bathroom to discover that I was lightly bleeding. I grabbed my stuff in a frantic flurry and rushed out the door before the party was over. Damn.
Restless sleep ensued with dreams of miscarriage. My cat slept beside me all night, aware of some sort of distress. He has been stuck to me like glue since the embryo transfer. I should clue in more to his intuition.
The fetal radiologist was a cool experience last time, regardless of the outcome. Jon drove separately so that if nothing was wrong, I could jet off downtown to court. It wasn’t nearly as neat this time. Gray blobs with no conclusive information. Basically, she said that it was too early to see anything and that there were no signs of an ectopic gestational sac, but she couldn’t find one in the uterus either, so we would have to wait. They suggested that we get another blood test to see if my numbers were still rising, and if so then to come back in a week when they could see more. If the numbers are dropping, then I am miscarrying.
Tomorrow morning I will go in for a blood test and should have results tomorrow afternoon. I will re-post tomorrow when I find out more. This is the easiest way to let everyone know what is going on.

What is in a name?

2009-11-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

With all this creating going on, I am running out of gift recipients. I think I may start a business..... That is right. I go to on-line sites and see what other people have done and know I could do the same. I want to start a shop on Etsy.com. But I can't come up with a good name. Whatever I go with, I need to get labels printed to attach to my handmade items. Jon said he would help me with the design, but I need help with a name. I need something creative, yet not too long. Summerfield is a ridiculously long name, but I would incorporate it if it is used with something catchy. Cara Creates and Cara's Creations are already taken. Apparently all my creativity is being sucked into my projects, and I am struggling to come up with something snappy. Any suggestions?

Quilts

2009-10-30T17:46:00.001-07:00

I mentioned my new obsession with quilts. I took a 6 week class where we learned how to make 3 different quilts. I took it because I am going to teach the kids how to make quilts for charity this year. I wanted to reinforce what I thought I already knew about the process. My problem with quilts is that though I can appreciate the amount of work that goes into them, they have a tendency to be very country bumpkin. It was no surprise to me when I hated the ones in the book that we had to make for class. That was until I made them myself. It is all about the fabric. The first quilt, I have kept, and am not sure I could ever give away. It is adorable, but has its flaws as I readjusted to a long break from sewing. It has simple, subtle mistakes that no one else would probably notice. But being my first quilt, I have a little sentimental attachment to it.
The quilt below was the second quilt, which was my least favorite in the book. However, because I choose an adorable fabric combination, it ended up one of my favorites. It went to my friend Alexis who had an equally adorable baby girl last on October 13th.
Close up of the fabric:
The back, which I also loved.
This was the third quilt. At first, I was mad that the lady made me pick out so many different fabrics. It wasn't symmetrical enough for me. I used 9 different patterns, but there are 16 squares. It isn't divisible, and that bothers me. It took 2 hours to pick out the fabrics, but I thought I had done a great job. And I don't know what I think of 4 pointed stars. But after it all came together, I didn't want to give it up. But alas, I wrapped it up for my friend Amy who is due next month.
I am working on 2 quilts for friends having boys in December. I will post them as soon as I finish.
The only think I didn't like was following traditional quilt patterns. I can't wait to get more creative and explore some different design concepts. I want to take traditional concepts, and recreate the quilt. But in the meantime, I am just enjoying the sewing itself. More to come.........

Crowntail Beta

2009-10-29T18:46:00.003-07:00

I walked into PetSmart yesterday for a simple purchase - cat litter. I walked out of there with a laser pointer for school (coincidently shaped like a mouse, but I needed it for Keynote presentations), fresh cat nip for my favorite feline, and three new friends. I was going to take my tank to school, but I am not sure they could handle the stress of traveling back and forth a lot during breaks. So I placed them in my new creation studio, by the window so they can watch the birds, too, if they are interested. And the cat loves to watch them swim. One is white with blue spots, one is dark blue with red fins, and one is an iridescent turquoise blue. I need help with names. I hate things like Larry, Curly, & Moe, or Huey, Dewy, & Lewy, so don't even go there. Any suggestions?

Birdfeeder wanted

2009-10-25T21:08:00.007-07:00

Dear Santa,
I love birds, and the one window next to my desk has a great big yellow bell bush that the birds and critters love. We see all sorts of hummingbirds, finches, chickadees, and lizards. My cat and I could sit there for hours and watch. Next on my Christmas list, to complete my creation studio room is a bird feeder or two to place between the bush and the window. They would have to stick in the ground, or hang on the wall because the bush isn't strong enough to hang anything from. But if you want to start your holiday shopping early, and you happen to be out shopping for me, here are some suggestions as far as look:
This one could double as a feeder, or a bath. If I had 2, I could have one of each.
This one is kind of creepy, but I am wildly attracted to it:
And for the hummingbirds:

Creative Space

2009-10-25T20:34:00.007-07:00

This summer I spent some time re-doing my creation studio. Yes, that is what I call it. It is supposed to be a living room. Which it is, because I practically live in there. If I am not doing lesson plans, I am creating. Part of my brief blog hiatus could be accredited to my new obsession with quilting. I forgot how much I love to sew, and how quickly you can get a finished product. But after thinking about it, it isn't just about sewing, it is about finishing. I have a million projects that I have bought supplies for, and they have been sitting for, well, let's be honest, some have been in the cabinet for years. So in my re-model, I wanted to do something to the room that would inspire me. I started with paint. That room has been a half a dozen different colors, and I have never been 100% comfortable. I have finally fallen in love with a pale lime green. It compliments the orange tones of all my wood furniture. I then cleaned, and re-organized. I discovered all sorts of things I didn't realize I had. I concluded that part of my problem is that I don't know what is behind the cabinet doors. I need to be able to see what I have in order to invent and create. A lot of the re-organization process was placing materials into fun containers. I found some old tea tins and colorful pots, glass jars and votive holders, etc. that have just been sitting in cabinets in other rooms. What better way to put them to use? Beads are now in clear containers (instead of a giant tackle box) and placed on shelves. I converted some old CD towers into fabric racks, and yarn holders, and pot notions into pots, tins, and vases. I then decided to inspire myself with "things". These "things" are knick knacks and wall art that my husband hates around the rest of the house. Perfect. Mainly, I brought out the bird decorations. I am still on the hunt for an antique birdcage for side table that I can use as another container for fabric or yarn, or even my favorite books. I also put some fabric into some needlepoint hoops and hung them on the wall, and I think they look quite adoreable. There are 2 chairs that my mother in law gave us when we moved here that are just begging to be recovered with something wonderful. I have a leather couch in there right now that I hate, and will promptly need to get rid of. But it needs a good leather polish and buff first.
I am now wildly inspired, and couldn't spend enough time in there during my days. I start to get cranky if I can't spend time in there. Just as I cross something off my list, something new comes to mind. I love, love, love it! Pictures don't do it justice, of course. Come over and create with me. It is a great environment for bonding.

Girly night

2009-10-20T21:11:00.003-07:00

I realize I haven't posted in a month or 2. Every night when I go to bed, I replay the day, and think of how my blog would go. But I never seem to make it to the computer. Yet I have tons of time to check Facebook every night. Go figure.
But tonight I had really fun night, and I have felt giddy ever since I walked in the door. I went to Sepohra and got a make over. I bought tons of make-up that I hope I can figure out tomorrow, ang ogt a free gift for enlisting in their frequent shopper program. A girl loves free gifts. I felt sassy when I left. Then I went to a free styling session at my hair salon where they took a bunch of women and taught us how to style our hair. Sounds kind of lame. I mean, I am thirty something, you would think I would know what I was doing by now. But I don't. They sat us in chairs and taught us techniques on curling and back combing, and then we did it ourselves. And then, more free gifts! I received some really nice bobbin pins (who knew there was a difference?) and a special comb for ratting height into my hair. I went home with a super fun look, and was only sorry that I didn't buy that great purse at Banana Republic between activities. Maybe tomorrow...... You will have to keep your eye out for me, you may not recognize me. I look like a rock star.

What I did on my summer vacation

2009-08-15T09:33:00.004-07:00

So its back to school. Three weeks in, and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Where did the summer go? Did I do everything I wanted to do? No. But I have to be pleased with what I did do. I thought I would take a moment to reflect on the top 10 things I did this summer.
1. I finished chemo. It feels good to be free of everything for a little while.
2. I decided that it isn't tv that rots peoples' brains, it is Fox News.
3. I questioned whether or not to teach the Food Pyramid to my students because I think that while it can be a useful learning tool, it is a bunch of crap based on who lobbies Congress the hardest and not about what is actually good for us (but I am going to teach it anyway).
4. I took 18 college credits in 5 weeks that solidified my confidence, and excitement in teaching and the classroom.
5. I spent some good quality time with family that I love.
6. I did a lot of redecorating. Specifically, I made curtains for every room in the house, a duvet and throw pillows for the bedroom, painted 2 rooms, and created a studio for myself. Which takes me to #7.
7. I now have a creation studio in my own home. My living room has always been my office, of sorts. No real name for it. I cleaned up piles, after piles of stuff, and created a space conducive for creativity. I am openly inspired, and wish I had more time to spend in there.
8. I traveled to beautiful places, with beautiful people.
9. I decided that there is one thing my acupuncturist and I will always disagree on - cheese. I love it, she is against it. Too bad for her.
10. I fell in love with quilting. I forget when I knit how much I love sewing. I have been reinvented. Though I typically find quilts very country bumpkin, I love the construction. And with the right fabric, you can do amazing things.

Dear Mother Nature

2009-07-25T10:00:00.003-07:00

Dear Mother Nature,
Thank you for a making this summer cooler than the last few. It is much nicer to sit by the pool and get that sun-kissed glow when it is only 108, and not 115. However, I believe there has been a grave misunderstanding.
This morning, I awoke to the wonderful aroma of bacon. I don't believe there is a better way to wake up on a Saturday morning. It was early, but I was willing to look past the time. Upon rising, and moving into the kitchen, I was informed that the bacon was for the dog we were house sitting for, but since I was up, could I please get dressed and help with yard work. Seeing how I don't wake up well, I couldn't think clearly enough to come up with the correct answer of "No, I am going back to bed if there is no bacon," and I stumbled back to the bedroom to put on my tennis shoes. I even forgot temporarily about breakfast, which rarely happens. Upon entering the front yard, I attempted to see the positive. But it failed to come to me. I just couldn't understand what I was doing in the 90 degree heat, trimming bushes at 7 a.m. on my summer vacation. The fact that every pretty plant in AZ has tough needles and barbs that continued to scratch my arms didn't help. The only needles I should be exposed to on vacation should be my knitting needles. The whole ordeal was quite shocking to my system.
Now I am not writing to you just to complain. I have some very logical solutions to this tough situation. I hope you consider some of these options, for many of them have multiple benefits.
1. Stop communicating with my husband. I know you two are in cahoots to try and make me a morning person. Never going to happen! Wouldn't your energy be better spent somewhere else? Like on a date with Father Time, perhaps? This would allow our relationship to blossom in the morning, and I wouldn't hold against him all day long that I am hot and tired before I have had a chance to do anything fun around the house in the air conditioning.
2. Stop making pork smell so delicious when it is cooked. This would also help slow the obesity epidemic that has plagued the world. And I could sleep through the yard work window. I am a much nicer person if I have had 8 hours of sleep.
3. Make it so plants don't grow in the heat, sort of like bears that hibernate in the winter. Arizona plants could hibernate in the summer. This would assist in the push for water conservation, and there would no longer be a need to trim and prune during the hotter months.
4. I don't know how close you are with Lady Luck, but if she owes you a favor, she could rig the Powerball Lottery so that I win. Then I could pay someone to do my yardwork and I could spend my well rested, awake hours doing thing more productive for the community. While I feel this is the best option, I understand that it may be somewhat out of your control.
As you can see, these are all great options for beating the early morning summer heat. I love what you do here, most of the time. You are my most beloved mythical figure, and will continue to speak positively of your work. If you will please excuse me, I must now take a nap and recover from the trauma of the morning. I need to recover so that I don't talk mu husband out of landscaping our backyard someday. I will make sure I double and triple think the plants we put in so I don't run into the same problems in the future.
Cara

Rocky Mountain HIgh

2009-07-15T13:37:00.002-07:00

I guess looking back, life has been a little stressful. It doesn't seem bad in the middle of it, but I get it now. I was tired. My last day of chemo was on June 22nd. June was no break from life, as I crammed 18 credits into 5 weeks for my teaching certificate. Though intense, I learned a lot, and things for work make a lot more sense now. I finished an 11 day cleanse, and flushed any last shemo out of my system. I couldn't think of anything I wanted more after the last 3 months than a few days in Colorado. We met our friends Pete and Jess, and went camping for 3 days. It was perfect. With the exception of the mosquito bites on my ass (man those blood suckers are quick! all I wanted was to use the facilities!) I feel relaxed, and refreshed. I needed the fresh air, and some down time with my husband and good friends. There is something very healing about the mountains at home. We came home for a few short days, and now I am off for the healing properties of the beach and sea air of California. Aaaaahhhhhh.... To feel normal again.

Past Lives

2009-07-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

My new favorite radio station is a Spanish channel. I think this is because in one of my past lives I was Latina. I believe my soul still wears the vibrant colored skirts with ruffles that I wore then. I danced to mariachi and flamenco, slow and mournful, full of heart and sex and passion, in courtyards with lanterns and fireworks after feasting on tacos. Because I also love tacos.

2009-07-01T19:05:00.003-07:00

I think the Transformers could be my new most favorite movie franchise. We just saw the second one and it was intense! My heart raced through most of the film, and I think it was comparable to a long cardio workout. Star Wars is a classic, yes. And Harry Potter is one of my favorite book series ever. But the action was packed, and the effects were outstanding. If you haven't seen it, you need to. This one is must see in the theater.

Mental note

2009-06-20T17:07:00.003-07:00

If you are going to layout in the AZ sun, sunscreen should always be applied BEFORE you put on your bathing suit. Otherwise, when you are on your stomach and undo your bikini straps, when you tie them back on and roll onto your back, the top may not be in the same place where it started and could result in racing stripes on the breasts. And apply it evenly, or you will end up looking like a zebra. Just saying.

A dream night

2009-06-11T22:52:00.003-07:00

I firmly believe that everyone needs a hobby. Not having one is what kills you. They help people relax and reflect, and be passionate about something. Everyone know that there are 3 things I love to do - knit, go to the movies, and watch birds. Last night I had a dream opportunity to do all 3. Yes, all 3. I wonder how long my husband will continue to humor me and my quirky forms of entertainment. The local Audubon Society was doing a fundraiser in Scottsdale that consisted of an auctions and a film festival. Yes, 2 films, a double feature. I was in heaven as I sat with my knitting next to my favorite guy and watched away.
The first film was the U.S. debut of an English production called Why Birds Sing (find out more here). It was a documentary of a philosopher who tried to convince scientists that birds sing for the fun of it and to create music. The crowd got really into it, which was neat to be a part of. There were a lot of birds chirping throughout the whole movie, and I was convinced Jon was going to lean over and ask for Tylenol. I thought it was funny, and witty, and all around an interesting concept that changed how I woke up to birds chirping this morning. The second film was a documentary about the life and work of naturalist, and Pulitzer Prize winner E.O. Wilson called Darwin's Natural Heir. It was educational, and inspiring, and I want to read his books on Sociobiology and other studies. He spent most of his life studying ants, yuck. It was interesting to see them present things that I already knew, concepts that have been a part of science teaching, and see the root of the studies. His work has influenced and shaped an entire society. I found it inspiring.
Apparently this was the 7th annual Nature Film Festival put on by the Audubon society. I have not yet joined, but am considering. There were a lot of old people there who bitched up a storm about everything. I just don't know if I can handle that type of environment. Either way, I am excited to see next year's films already. But I am not sure I can convince Jon to go again. Any takers?

Two

2009-06-05T14:51:00.002-07:00

Two is my number as of Wednesday. Pregnancy levels have to be below 5 to count as a negative test. The doctor wants one more round just to be sure. I am refusing. Apparently, this can cause all sorts of problems, my refusing. The biggest being that my fertility doctor will no longer treat me. Bull shit, is what I have to say. On Tuesday, I went to get a massage. I have been having a lot of pain in my right shoulder. Could have something to do with stress, but I'm not so sure (hear strong tone of sarcasm here). They refused to treat me because of the chemo. That is what I get for being honest and opening my big mouth. I needed a doctor's note to be treated. I cried teh whole way home (meltdown number 3). One more thing in my life that this is affecting. Can't do this, can't do that, blah, blah, blah. I am turning into a sour person without stress relief. And it still isn't over. This has been going on for 9 weeks. I was pregnant for 2 1/2. Hardly fair. The doctor is going to find out if I can get one last shot of a strong dose to finish things off instead of an entire round. The problem is that I am unavailable from 8-5 because of classes until July 6th. I have to take so many education credits to renew my certificate in December, and none of these classes are being offered in the fall. So I either die or lose my job. And if I lose my job, I might as well die because I'll never find another one, and wouldn't be able to afford further medical treatment anyway, which could result in death. Vicious cycle.
I ended up getting my massage on Thursday, and though I went for full body, the knot in my shoulder was so bad, that there was only 15 minutes left for the rest of me. Now I am in serious discomfort from what the massuese worked out. I will have to go back, I am sure of it. And my back has started to hurt again. All this sitting around in poor quality chairs is going to be a real problem. I can't take another summer like last year. So I am downing anti-inflammitories like they are candy and trying to figure out ways to manage my stress.
So to make a long bitch session short (too late), I am not done, and don't know what the next step is, or when that will be. But I am guessing that at this rate, I will be 60 before I am allowed to use my frozen embryos, and I can kind of see where octomom was coming from. Seriuosly. I have officially begun to lose my mind.

Still going

2009-05-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

I would love to write about something other than chemo. But when it seems to run your life, what else is there to write about? I was really hoping to hear from the doctor's office this week and have them tell me that my hormone levels were at zero. But to no avail. I am not sure what to do next. I am in the middle of a round, and my hormone levels will probably be at zero when I have my blood test tomorrow. My doctor wants me to complete one full round at that point. But my schedule won't allow it. I have classes to take. I haven't been allowed to leave town, or do anything else I want for the last 9 weeks, and I am done with it. So I think I am going to make the executive decision to make this round my last round. I may do another 1/2 round next week, that I can do. But if my levels are at zero, I don't think I need the "just in case". I am a healthy individual who has had it. Then I can talk about more exciting things. And that is my plan.
In the meantime, I start school tomorrow as a student, out to complete 15 credits in 5 weeks. I am going to be a busy girl with a lot of studying. But everything I need to renew my teaching certificate will be completed in one full swoop. So when I do eventually get pregnant, I don't have to worry about my teaching certificate that expires in December. All the classes I am taking are Career and Technical Education classes which will be very beneficial to me. Now that I have a little experience under my belt, I can reflect on why things did or did not work for me through my lessons, and plan for an even more successful year. I get to take July off which will be for fun and a mini vacation to Monterey for a wedding. I can't wait for life to go on.

Yea employment!

2009-04-29T19:47:00.002-07:00

I found out today that I will be receiving a contract for next year. Yeah for me, sucks for the teachers still waiting. Some of the core curriculum classes may wait as late as mid June. This must mean things are looking up............

By the Numbers

2009-04-28T20:10:00.002-07:00

I had a little breakdown at the oncology office yesterday. After an hour drive on an empty stomach, they couldn't get an IV in, and I blew a couple veins in my right hand. Today my hand has taken on an interesting leopard look, except the spots are more green and black and blue, and my skin pasty white. It's pretty hot. I was not looking forward to going back today. So in the waiting room, I sat down and began to think about everything that has gone on in the last 2 months. And I thought I would put together some interesting numbers about my life since February 11th, when everything started.
64: Number of shots I have had (all but 7 I gave to myself, or Jon gave me)
22: number of eggs removed from me
21: Number of blood draws
18: Number of Ultrasounds
16: number of eggs fertilized
13: Days I have missed work
10:Number of IV pokes (and at least 8 more to come, probably 13)
10: Number of Dairy Queen Blizzards I have eaten
8: number of eggs that made it to the blastocyst stage(5 days old)
6: number of fertilized embryos that are frozen, waiting for me
5: Number of knitting projects I have finished on my time off
3: Times I have cried
1: Number of roommates in the hospital who only had 2 months to live

What can't I count?
Times I cuddled with my cat
Number of naps
Moments I thought about my students and whatever poor soul was my substitute teacher
Fat cells that have formed in my body and muscle cells lost
Number of people who have shown me support
Times I have hugged my husband him and told how much I love him

Overall, I think I am pretty lucky. Now if this could just be over soon so I can have:
1: Healthy baby!!

Mini tantrum

2009-04-25T13:35:00.005-07:00

I am tired of following doctor's orders. No strenuous activity. What exactly does that mean? Strenuous to whom, exactly? I haven't worked out since March 3rd, and yes I know the date because it was 2 days before my egg retreival when they told me at my pre-op visit that I wasn't supposed to be working out. Opps. But I felt fine, and produced more eggs than the average woman. I was active before all of this, so its not like working out would add extra stress to my body, right? It is used to working out. Well, maybe not so much anymore. I have at least 2 more rounds of treatment left, and more to be determined. Another month without a workout? I worked hard to be strong so I could handle pregnancy well, and now it is all going to pot. When I heal, I will have lost everything I built up and be a weakling through the next one, probably causing more back injuries and various other issues. And no drinking. I was prepared to not drink for 9 months, but since that didn't worked out........... I can't sleep, when I do I have weird dreams, I am not eating well, I can't concentrate, I am tired of sitting around, and all of this is making me super emotional because there is no way to release basic stress. So today I said screw it (and that is the nice way of saying it). I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of weight training, and 30 minutes of all out sweat time on the elliptical machine. It would have been longer but I forgot my inhaler, and I have lost too much strength to have much stamina. I know it has only been an hour and a half since I left the gym, but I am pretty sure I will be able to sleep tonight. And then I can concentrate on brain activities like homework and lesson plans. If I am ok tomorrow, I am doing it again, and will try to figure out how I can at least squeeze in some treadmill time this week between work and chemo treatments. Because this is ridiculous. And if I am feeling really wild, I am going to have a glass of wine. And no one can stop me. So there.

Tired, Tired, Tired

2009-04-20T18:04:00.002-07:00

I ended up getting released from the hospital last Wednesday. I guess I was doing so well that they didn't feel I needed to be under observation anymore. Of course, the chemo still had to be given outpatient, so I went to an oncology office Thursday and Friday. Of course it is a 2 hour round trip commute, so it is kind of a pain in the ass. But at least I got to sleep in my own bed. My parents got here late Wednesday night. It was nice to spend some time with them without having to be in the hospital. We played a lot of cards and on Saturday we went to the Chihuly glass exhibit at the Desert Botanical Gardens, with a lot of walking and a little too much sun and AZ heat for everyone to handle well. Then I did yoga Sunday, thinking it would just be nice to stretch. I could hardly function during the hour session, and whimpered about my loss of strength. I definitely pushed it this weekend. The rest of the day was mostly spent relaxing on the couch and now I am exhausted. I have been on this crazy in one week, off another for the last month, and forgot what it was like to work. Because I am not supposed to do anything strenuous, I have done a lot of sitting in the past few weeks. Walking around chasing students in a lab all day gets tiring. But it was nice to be back on a schedule and have some normalcy to the day.
I have another round of treatment next week. I will have an IV in my arm all week so they just have to hook me up and let it go when I get there each day. That might totally freak my kids out, but there isn't much I can do. After that, I may have a 4th treatment. We really don't know until I get blood work done next week. They are looking for a zero pregnancy hormone count in my blood. It dropped significantly between the first and last treatments, and I only hope it does again before next week. In the meantime, I need to try and keep my energy level up to focus on lesson plans for next week. I can't believe I only have 5 weeks left before summer.

Last day of freedom

2009-04-12T19:22:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow I check back into the hospital for another round of chemo. Fun stuff. I feel like I was on probation and I re-committed a crime, so I have to have another 5 day sentence. Not that I have had any fun at home. Doctor's orders - no sex, no drinking, no gym. Who could have fun with those orders? I worked a lot trying to get my class and substitute ready to take over for a week. I did enjoy spending time with Jon. He really is amazing. I appreciate him very much. He has been very patient, and loving, and just plain wonderful. I am dreading leaving him again. Its hard to sleep alone after 10 years. I won't see him much this time. He will probably stay home. Some women think I am crazy. But he needs to work (someone has to pay for this mess) and one of us might as well get a decent nights sleep. I have lots of visitors coming this time to bring me meals and entertain me, so it isn't worth the 2 hour round trip car ride. If something were to happen to me, he would get a phone call. Nothing he can do but sit by and watch it all happen, so he might as well be home being productive. And keeping my cat company. I am going to miss my cat, too.
I am going to try and knit something on bigger needles, with bigger yarn this time, and can hopefully get a couple scarves done. I will not bring my computer. What is the point without internet access? So I won't update my blog while I am gone this time. Mom and Dad are coming down from Denver to spend Thursday thru Sunday with me. So there will be some good uninterrupted game playing between naps. Plus that means I get to have a pedicure with mom on Saturday, and Bingo at one of the casinos if I am not too tired.
I just want to throw something out there. And I am not trying to complain. I know the people reading this are behind me. I just need ot get this off my chest because you all listen to me. There are some people who think I am not going through the appropriate stages of grief. Here's the thing. I was only 5 1/2 weeks, really only pregnant for 2 weeks. I was not attached. Not to mention that crying about it and getting myself into hysterics wasn't going to undo anything, or make me pregnant again faster. The whole thing has been quite neat to watch from a scientific point of view. I am excited to heal up and start again. We have 6 embryos waiting for us in a freezer somewhere. If fertility problems have taught us anything, it is how to be patient. I knew we had a chance of this not being successful, and I came to grips with that before we started. My body just wasn't ready. I am lucky this all happened early in the pregnancy so I can heal faster. I feel strong and positive. Getting pregnant again won't be a problem. No one is in the clear until that baby is born, and I am no different. Lets face it, I am a little OCD as it is. Do I really need to make myself crazy over all of this? No. I have been very lucky to be surrounded by very strong women in my life who influenced me every day to be who I am. And I have listened to those women's stories, to the things that have bonded us, and made us all stronger. That is where I get my strength. A good women knows when to cry, and when to be vulnerable. This is not a vulneraberable time for me. I pull from every other experience in my life, and from those around me (men and women alike) and know that I am ok. So you should be, too. I am not anti-feeling, or uncompassionate, or a monster. I cried when I thought I would lose my uterus and not have another chance at this. But quickly realized that that was why I was at the hospital. All the good doctors would prevent that from happening. Though it is not my choice of vacation spots, it is what it is. I will take this time to enjoy the company of those that visit, and get some good knitting and reading done, while challenging my brain when I watch the Game Show network. I am not discouraged, and look forward to moving on when this is over. I hope you all feel that, too. If you don't, please keep it to yourself. I don't need the negativity. I appreciate the positive support that is being thrown my way, and have been quite overwhelmed by it. It has been neat to re-connect with people I haven't heard form in a while, and have them share their stories as well. More strength to build on. I am not alone, and never will be. Thank you to all of you.

Worth the Wait

2009-04-08T19:41:00.002-07:00

I was upset about being in the hospital, I was going to miss the premiere of The Hills. I came home to a sweet surprise - 2 episodes on my Tivo. I have to say, worth the wait. All the drama is back, and I am loving it. It sucks that I will miss it next week, but how great that it will be waiting for me! Hell, yeah. I love T.V.

Home again

2009-04-07T19:06:00.003-07:00

Finally. I never thought I would be home. The last few days were much like the first. I had some crazy roommates that made sleeping difficult until the last night.
On the plus side, I think I lost a couple pounds. The other thing is that after 2 ultrasounds, the heartbeat has minimized so much that they couldn't get a read on the beats per minute. So it is on it's way out. I still have to go back on Monday for another 5 days of treatment, but I will know what to expect next time. And that's that. I am tired. And going to watch the Biggest Loser and go to bed. Hopefully my next post will be more fun.

In the hospital, day two

2009-04-05T19:34:00.002-07:00

I had a couple breakdowns last night. Every time I laid down I cried. I was exhausted, but the water works wouldn’t stop. Besides the overwhelming support of everyone, and knowing what great people I have surrounded myself with, I couldn’t figure out why I was crying. I think it is the not knowing. Sitting around all day thinking about everything certainly did not help. Once I got my medication, I was ok. I didn’t get my meds until about 10:30 p.m. They said they would try to get my meds a few hours each night to get my check-out time earlier by Tuesday. The anti-nausea medication made me sleepy. Jon stayed with me last night (there was a cot in the room), which I didn’t ask of him, but secretly was relieved for.

My principal also called yesterday to check in. He hated to bring up the subject, but he needed to let me know that because of budget cuts, all first year teachers do not have a contract at this time for next year. The good thing is that I teach a stand alone curriculum and they are going to fill those positions first. So there is a good chance I have nothing to worry about. But technically, I am unemployed after June 30. All in all, a long day.

Today was boring, but relaxing. Jon left early in the morning to take care of some things at home. I bet the cat was starving. I had a couple doctors visit me early. I got a shower, and just as Jon arrived with one of the most beautiful bunch of flowers I have ever seen, we were told I would be switching rooms. I now have a roommate. Bummer. But she sleeps a lot from her medications. I expect a lot of visitors tomorrow so I hope not to bother her. I told Jon to go home around 4. We were both sitting here falling asleep from not having slept great the night before. It seemed silly that he couldn’t nap in the comfort of his own home. I had plenty to keep me busy. I have to do lesson plans, mainly. Jon needs to take it home, print it, and take it in Monday morning.

So all in all, a very slow day. As long as I stay not really bleeding, I will continue to have uneventful days. And I do have the Game Show Network, which I don’t have at home. I am loving it.

In the hospital

2009-04-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Friday April 2, 2009
We checked into Good Samaritan Hospital in Phoenix at 9 am. We sat in a transition room until about 2 p.m. while multiple doctors came to talk to us about what is going to happen. We were moved to the 7th floor and then told after a few hours that we would be moving to the oncology floor. At 6 p.m. we finally got settled into a room on the top floor, and meds will start around 9 p.m.

The medication they are giving me is a type of chemotherapy, and will be administered over 5 days. I won’t lose my hair or anything. Side effects are mild, nausea and maybe upset stomach. They are going to give me something for that, too. But because it is a type of chemo, an oncology nurse must administer it. The treatment is similar to treating cervical tumors. The dangerous part is the cervix is supplied by a major artery. The embryo is feeding off of that artery, and has recruited a number of other blood sources to feed itself as well. The major concern is acute bleeding. They want to stop anything before it gets bad (if I bleed) so that I don’t lose my uterus (clearly the ultimate goal). The meds work like an anti-folic acid, and should starve the embryo of nutrients. If it dies the way it is supposed to, my body will simply reabsorb it, and we can spend time healing for a few months. And yes, you read right, 5 days. So I will be here longer than we had originally thought.
What I have is so rare that a lot of different doctors are involved. Everyone has been very nice, and I have talked to a lot of people. I am a bit of a case study. I am the first cervical ectopic pregnancy for my fertility practice.
I didn’t get much sleep last night and have done a lot of nothing today, so I am tired. As soon as I get meds I am passing out. I don’t have internet, but can check e-mail on my phone. Jon is going to take my computer home each night and post for me so everyone can be caught up on what is going on.
Thank you to Paul and Marie for bringing Chinese and fresh faces. It was yummy, and a nice break.

Hospital, here we come

2009-04-02T21:11:00.005-07:00

Today I went to see a fetal radiologist. It was really amazing to see everything in my body, and I find science fascinating. I still have a healthy pregnancy, and there was a heartbeat and everything. Crazy. The problem is that it decided to plant in my cervix, instead of my uterus. It is on the verge of falling out of my vaginal opening, so it is close to gone anyway. But it is still connected to a blood source. Cervical ectopic pregnancies are rare, and dangerous. Tomorrow, I get to check into the hospital for treatment. I don't know much at this point, except that the treatment is the same as what is used to treat cervical tumors, and a type of chemotherapy in conjunction with a drug called methotrexate. It is aggressive and can cause severe bleeding. They want me there to monitor me to make sure I don't bleed so much that I lose my uterus, which is a possibility. I have been pretty cool up to this point, and think I have had, excuse my french, but a pretty great fucking attitude. But this afternoon, I lost it. I am scared and nervous, and wondering what else could go wrong with this whole process when all I want is a simple baby. Crack heads get pregnant everyday. Is that what I need to do? Am I participating in the wrong kind of drug treatment? Lord knows hard drugs might be more fun. And with an IV, it is hard to knit. Do I have enough to read? Can I get enough crosswords done? Did we pack Sequence and cards? Is Jon going to make me crazy? Am I going to starve (wait, I have already lost 10 pounds since my egg retrieval, only 6 more to go to hit my goal weight. Maybe that won't be so bad. Again, something hard drugs could take care of)? My brain is a mile a minute. I am also tired, which doesn't help, and I have to do laundry since I won't be here this weekend. Go to bed, some of you might say. But I can't pack for the hospital when I don't have a stitch of clean clothing. I even went to Target tonight to buy underwear, and realized I would have to wash it anyway. But I don't want to ruin any of my good stuff. And I have to do lesson plans. My poor students have to be so sick of me being gone. I am sick of being gone. I like a regular schedule. I wish I could take my cat with me, but something tells me the nurses won't find cat litter sanitary. But I am packing my pillow and blanket. And I will rehash the whole experience for you when I get home. Or maybe when I am there if they have wireless. Whatever. You'll find out.

Seriously? Saga continues

2009-04-01T19:02:00.004-07:00

Apparently my sacrifice to the gods wasn't enough.
The doctor called this afternoon with the results of my blood tests. My hormone levels should have dropped between yesterday and today to verify the miscarriage. And guess what? Mine went up. Yes, up. They think this means I am still pregnant, but it is an ectopic pregnancy (in the fallopian tubes). Apparently when they transferred the embryos into me, they moved around enough that 2 settled into one of my tubes. Great. Dangerous and bad. So tomorrow I see a fetal radiologist to determine if this is accurate. If it is I either need to have a surgery or take medication to terminate it so I don't lose a fallopian tube, or worse, my uterus. This is starting to get annoying. I'll keep you posted.

A Sacrifice to the Gods

2009-04-01T17:07:00.002-07:00

Let me bring you up to speed. For those of you that don't know, Jon and I just went through invitro fertilization. That's right, more shots, and lots of them. Everything started at the end of February. I checked a voicemail every afternoon to see what I had to do that night (usually a series of 3 shots) and then went in for a blood draw and ultrasound every morning. On March 5th I had a procedure to remove my eggs, and though I was swollen and sore, they took out 22 mature eggs. Those that they couldn't reach, or weren't mature were left in. Sixteen were successfully fertilized and stuck in the incubator, and 8 made it to 5 days old. On March 10th we went in and they transferred 2 back into me, and froze the rest in pairs for future use. On March 19th we found out we were pregnant Yahoo!
Unfortunately, it didn't last long. I miscarried on Monday. And no, this is not an April Fool's joke. It has been a week of health follies as I have fallen apart at the seams. I had this crazy heat rash all over my legs for 2 weeks. Thursday I woke up with a fever, that turned into a full blown cold with some vomiting. That weekend, I slept so much that I was afraid I would lapse into a coma. Night sweats broke my rash, but Monday I broke out in hives, which usually send me to the ER, and then in the middle of an intense 2 hour state mandated test for all of my students to move into high school, I started bleeding (I am glad I wore black pants that day). On bed rest until I could get to the doctor on Tuesday, I was actually excited to go home and take a nap. Officially, I can't say that I miscarried until I get the results of my blood test back today, but let's be real. There was no visual pregnancy on the ultrasound yesterday, and they don't know what caused it. Though I am sure my having so many illnesses at once didn't help.
Yeah, it sucks, blah blah blah. But I would rather have no pregnancy than an unhealthy one. I think on top of everything, I would have a hard time dealing with a retarded child, and I mean that in the nicest way. Now that I have made my sacrifice to the baby gods (and lord knows I bled enough for that) we wait a month and try again. So here is my top 10 things on the positive note of miscarriage:
1. I got pregnant. That is a start.
2. I fit back into my regular bras overnight. You have no idea how good that feels. It is bad enough to have boobs on the big side, I sometimes worry they will be permanently stuck on extra super huge.
3. We have 6 frozen embyros in the bank, which will make the next process less complicated since I don't have to go through the egg harvesting process.
4. I can drink again, for a while. And I am not talking about water and Shirley Temples. We finally started carrying my favorite beer in AZ (EX Street Wheat by O'dells), and I haven't had it yet, so now I can. And wine. Sweet wine. Aaaahhhhh.
5. My body has time to heal from the itchy, rashy, stuffed up, feverish, coughing, vomiting, bleeding, sleepy mess that I had become. Plus, not having been to the gym in a month, I was turning into Jell-O, which brings me to my next point,
6. Gym, gym, gym
7. We paid for a package deal, so now we get to use it. It's not like I have to come up with another small fortune. It's like buy 1 chance, get 5 more for free. What girl can resist a sale?
8. I didn't want to have a baby on Thanksgiving or during Christmas season anyway. Too crazy.
9. Maybe I can get through bikini season before I get preggo fat. I can't bake in the sun when I am with child, so now I can work on my tan.
10. Practice makes perfect, and since we got to do no such spontaneous acts during this whole process, I can get back to enjoying my husband again.

So there you have it. I feel fine. My health wasn't at risk. I am alive and on the mend. I am not emotional about it, and don't plan to be, and I don't think that is abnormal. That won't get me pregnant again. Something like 40% of IVF cycles are successful the first time, I just fell into the wrong percent. Besides, my dead grandmother through 4 different phsycic readings promised me a boy who chose us a long time ago, and I'll be damned if I let this one speed bump stop me from denying that soul a place on this earth (I know I sound crazy, relax, I have always been crazy, you just may not have know it). If I am not pregnant by November 26th when this one would have been due, I may feel a small twinge of sadness. But that is a long time from now. There are a lot of people having babies right now that I am trying to knit for, and I can get that all out of the way in time to clear my knitting schedule for my own child.

Where can I get....?

2009-03-18T14:22:00.006-07:00

Wow, I know. No post for months, and now 2 in one day. I guess boredom has officially kicked in.
Last night I recorded a new show on TLC. This afternoon when it was too hot for birds, but not for lizards, I decided to go in and watch the train wreck that I was sure would become one of my new favorite shows. This show is called Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes, that's right, an entire hour of little Jean Benets that compete for the Grand Supreme title and a crown bigger than my head. One little girl had won 83 tiaras. She was 6 years old. I totally wanted to be one of those girls when I was younger, and now I get to see how it all happens. I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen, and added it to my Tivo season pass manager so I will never miss another episode. I still can't seem to curl my hair wiithout it looking like a fuzzy halo, so the hairpieces alone were mindboggeling. And after 3 days of napping on teh couch (I can't seem to get enough sleep), I decided to take a shower. I am sure Jon was thrilled.
I love days when I don't have any obligations, they are perfect for experimenting. So I decided to put my hair in curlers, and see if I could spend the evening with big Texas hair, even though we are going out to dinner with some friends of Jon's parents. Bold, and hilarious.
Here's the thing though. My hair won't dry on these curlers, so in the past I have resorted to a neat hair drying thing that my grandmother gave me when I was a kid. Why I still have it, I don't know. But you hook it to the end of the hair dryer, turn it on, and you look like someone straight out of the 1950's hair salon.

And then something dreadful happened. I ripped it. And I cried. I actually cried. My grandmother gave me this. And I can't put tape on it because when the plastic heats up it could melt the tape glue.
And my hair will never dry with these curlers in. Here is my question. Do they still make these things? Where can I get my hands on another one? And what the heck is it called? Anyone know a hairdresser who can answer this question?

Birdwatching

2009-03-18T09:09:00.004-07:00

It is Spring Break, and I enrolled in a couple classes I need to renew my teaching certificate. What better time to get some undisturbed studying done, right? Wrong. It is a beautiful morning (supposed to be 85 today) and I have decided to sit on my porch and bird watch. Yes bird watch. If you remember, my favorite Christmas gift was a National Geographic field Guide to birds. A few weeks ago, Jon and I walked through a preserve that our local library backs up to. It was filled with small lakes (some call reservoirs) and birds, birds, birds. I had meant to look some of them up when I got home, but forgot. This morning I woke to the chirp, chirp, chirping of many morning birds, and reached over onto my nightstand to thumb through my field guide. I decided that today was a day to enjoy my natural surroundings. So I rummaged through the garage and found the binoculars. I moved one of my living room chairs onto the porch, and am snuggled up with a cup of tea. My school work is sitting next to me, but I have yet to crack it open. There are a lot of different birds in my front yard! There is one I am struggling to identify, but I think they are building a nest on my neighbors roof, so they aren't going anywhere. I hope the neighbors don't think I am looking in their windows. I have also noticed that 2 doors down there is a house we thought abandoned, and there is someone in the garage and doing yard work and I am terribly confused as to where they came from.
I have also discovered some great websites to help me with my classification. One site even has sound bites of the birds calls, which has forced me to admit that I have been wrong about a few. Which just means I will have to stay out here a little longer than planned.
I am also taking a break from my new found love of vampire books and I started reading a non-fiction book called Of a Feather: A Brief History of American Birding by Scott Weidensaul, and it is quite interesting, if you are into that kind of thing.

Hell Yeah!

2009-01-18T16:48:00.003-07:00

I have to say, Broncos are my team. And though my loyalties lie with them, I also believe in rooting for the home team. I have enjoyed watching the Cardinals even though they have lost some close games over the last few years. They often break my heart, I'll be honest, but I still stand by them as a team (be it my number 2). Today they rocked, and are going to the Superbowl, which also happens to fall on my birthday. So I'll say it again - Hell yeah! Way to go Cards! I am ready for the party

Thought I could dodge it.

2009-01-08T18:35:00.002-07:00

After 2 official days of rest last weekend when everyone left town, work started again on Monday. I could have used 2 more days. I am glad to be in a routine. But I am tired, and have a cold. I thought for sure I would not get sick this year because kids wash their hands so much in my classroom. And, of course, whatever I caught, I caught on vacation, and it hit on Monday. Figures. Could the weekend and no alarm clock arrive any faster?

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T17:58:00.001-07:00

Jon's uncle owns a ranch (Horseshoe Ranch) in the middle of Agua Fria National Monument. It is about 2,400 acres, surrounded by nothing but beutiful Arizona scenery. We couldn't think of anything more perfect for a week with out of town guests. We knew Pete and Jess would love it, and after only 6 weeks, my friend Kim flew back out for more fun. She never got to see more than a 5 mile radius from my house. Jon's aunt and uncle were thrilled not to have to go up there for a week, we packed a truck, and were off.
Yep, that is me. And yep, I put the ATV there. Did I get mad and push it over with my super human strength? Not this time. I was actually riding it when I did it. Oops. Luckily, all I did was snap the front break off. Oh, and a lot of bruises on me. I strategically managed to wait until this particular 20 feet of road that contained a ditch between the road and the mountain, so I was cradled in my fall, and also managed to be under the quad, without it touching me. I was more concerned about the ache in my hand from smacking it on a rock then the goose egg quickly forming on the back of my head. If I had to go to the hospital, then I wanted to be ble to knit while I waited there. We had been out for 4 hours, and I guess I got a little confident, and was going a little too fast into a curve. After we realized that I was ok, Jessica and I were laughing so hard, I peed my pants- or maybe that happened when I rocketed through the air. Either way, it was funny, and no one was hurt. So we mosied back to the ranch, had a shower, a hot meal, and a lot of wine, and I was ready to rock and roll. It hurt to brush my hair and sit down for about a week, and I bruised in places I didn't know you could bruise. I was tempted to shave my head, just to see the bruise, it had to be impressive. We hiked, shot some guns, and drank and ate our weight. We had more friends come up for New Year's, and though we had origionally planned on 20 people, we had an intimate 10 to ring in the new year at midnight. All around, a great time. Here are a few more pictures.

This is the river you have to cross to get to the ranch, and also the view off of one of the bedroom patios.

Snowed-in in AZ?

2008-12-27T20:19:00.001-07:00

Our friends Pete & Jess joined us for the ride home to AZ. We made good time, 12 hours, and hit no weather on the way up, so even though the car was overly packed, we knew we would have a fun ride home. We stopped in Santa Fe for lunch and a little shopping, and were making good time. It was snowing in Santa Fe, enough to be beautiful and not a nuisance. So we hit the road again. As we crossed the AZ line, we could see some weather coming. But it is AZ, right? No problem. Actually, big problem. Driving through Holbrook, they had received 10 inches of snow, and the ground was covered. We had just missed the storm, and thought we were in the clear. However, just outside Payson, about an hour from home, there was a cop blocking the highway. Closed due to black ice. Seriously? Totally. So we took an alternate route, that should have only added an extra 45 minutes to the trip. Irritating, yes, but we were all tired of being in the car at this point. We drove around Roosevelt lake, and through Globe, into Miami (not FL, that would have been more than a 45 minute detour, dummy), and traffic was stopped on the highway. After waiting 30 minutes, we found out 2 semis jack knifed on the highway, and the road was closed for the night. Hhhhhmmmmmm. What now? Dinner at Mcdonald's, and a talk with a cop, we decided our 3rd route through Winkleman and up through Superior may be risky. So we bunked in a seedy motel for the night. We checked into the internet after we settled in, and roads were closed in every direction. If we had tried going through Flagstaff (3 hours out of the way) we also would have been stranded. The next morning roads were clear, and the sun was shining. Typical. Our 12 hour trip turned into 31. It is a good thing we liked our company.